i don't think i do as well with stressful work environments as i initially thought i did. like i always said i knew how to keep my cool in heated situations but idk anymore. 

thursday was a major stressful day at work and i couldn't find any peace at all. and then when a patient (honestly, of all people - a patient) showed me some kindness i just really struggled to keep in my tears. i wanted to just burst out into uncontrollable crying, but i was just so focused on keeping everything in line and doing a good job and honestly? idk, crying doesn't seem like a "cool response in a heated situation" lol. 

i really did want to cry tho. but then i talked to another coworker today and he was like "you gotta ask for help too" and i mean, he's right but i hate giving up control, i must feel in control of situations which is probably what stresses me and i don't think i could've given it up yesterday and let someone else take over. i mean, i couldn't even relax during lunch, i was high strung and just constantly worrying about the next patient, the next patient, the next patient. i felt so on edge physically. 

how can i give that to someone else? all the explaining i'd had to do. and people are like "well we dont want to stress today" - no, but like, idk, it doesn't sit right with me to just let go to the evening shift if i have had the time to do it - no matter what it takes. 

anyway, today, friday i kinda wished i could find the good conscience in me to call in sick with a "mental health" day once in a while. but i can't. and it was an okay day, no stress today. 

except i hurt my back swimming monday and it was definitely not resting yesterday so the injury spiked and it hasn't been better today. 

i just needed to say it, i guess. i think of myself as a leader kind-of personality but damn, crying felt so natural yesterday, i wish i had actually managed to just cry when i got off. bless exo's ballads in times of distress.