Hai...

Been a long time since I was here

But, yeah

I don't know what to write actually. It's too overwhelming right now. 

All these negative emotions just spring up today but still I feel empty

As usual of course hahahaha

Well, 

Maybe I'm closer to that stage where self harm is sooo tempting that if I...  

If I lose all my strength I will be 

Cut myself open

Not that dramatic but

Yeah,  maybe I will

I have a lot of friends now and they said having boys as a friend can reduce depression (is it right?)

Well, I'm not. Mostly. 

 

For the past months, I've lost interest in anything. What I did was to cover up my behaviour so my friends would not notice and get worried. (if they ever get worried about me) 

I did everything but still no real satisfaction from what I did. 

 

I tried very hard

Very hard to be what I used to be but when I'm thinking back. My childhood is not the best me 

I don't know if I ever be someone worth my life

I peopl a broken secretive family

I have a huge responsibilities as a daughter, eldest sister, a student, a friend, a human. 

All that crumbling me as I was never learned how to express myself, never learned to trust other people, never learned to handle problem the right way. 

My family

My family is the best

It is until the shouting. It is until the slapping. It is until my mom silently crying at the corner. It is until my dad hugs another woman. It is until my sister grow up to be stoned -hearted. 

No one wants to be friend with a crybaby. 

I was told. 

And I tried not to be

And it's killing me inside. I feel sad but really hard to cry cause I simple forget how to do it. 

In a special occasion my tears did finally come it just gone as fast as it comes. After,  I would feel empty and I hate that feeling the most. 

I don't deserve to cry

I don't deserve to be mad

I don't deserve this wonderful life

I don't deserve to be friend with

I just don't deserve anything

I'm worthless 

Piece of

.

.

I wish there's comes a day where I just don't need to be 

Other person

Lies to people

Lies to myself

Actually be happy

Alive