I'm a mess and I know

Hey guys, long time no heard from me 

I'm back with depressed me and now I'm so lost and don't know what to do. 

I've been over thinking much about my family and death. You know I never lost my close relative and now when my parents and grandparents getting old. I'm so afraid that I might break down and can't move on in life. I live them so much to eccept that they're gone. 

And plus,  with no so peace world nowadays, I also afraid that my siblings and friends died before me. That feeling of don't want to see then died make me think if I die first then it can be more easy.

And my sane me always mad at me for thinking like that. 

I have my doubt. 

I have my argument inside me

With me and inner me

When I'm having  train of thought and conversation with the inner me. I'm getting more confuse and don't know what to do. 

If bad things happen, it always feel like it's my fault

When good things happen, I always feels like it will surely end up bad at the end of the day. 

No matter what happen, me always blame myself for what happen. 

I want to change, hell, I really want to change... So bad. 

I..

I seems can't to change now..  I've sin enough to repent...  Maybe no one wants me now. 

No one wants me now

No one wants me now

 

 

No one now... 

 

 

What I can do now is to hide and be like usual. ..Maybe one day I'll be good enough to just die. 

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cherrychipmunk #1
Hey there~
That fear you've got about people you love dying first... every one who is human has that fear at one point. Don't worry, although it sounds strange, it's normal to want to die first. True, death is scary but death of loved ones is unimaginable.
But you don't have to live in fear for death, even though possible, is unlikely.
My best advice is live your days like it's your last; or it's the last of the people you love. Live the day so that you'll make the best memory ever. Live the day so you'll have no regrets. Live each day like it's a gift.

<3
zhan47 #2
i know how you feel deep within your soul.. im suffering with the same problems. i dont know how to give you an advice because i cant even understand my situation right now.. everynight i always talk to myself asking and wondering why people like us end up in the dark ..

but we need to hold on a little more, we need to know if tomorro will be better for us, if sunrise shine brighter enough to lighten our future..
if you need someone to talk to here i am.
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