If somebody decides to read this, I hope you learn or relate to something from the mistakes and struggles that I'm going to talk about here.

God, it had been such a loooonggg time since I fell in love with an idol this hard. It's been 7 years since I began loving Baekhyun wayyy back in the Mama Era. I feel so old lol) And now I'm stanning the next generation of SM's boy group: NCT. 

I've been a fan since NCT U debuted in 2016 but I took a break in the summer of 2017 cos of feeling depressed, anxiety and I had to get my life together (sad, I know). It when sad days turn to months and years and then you realize that you're missing out on a lot while you wallow in your sorrows. I feel like all those years were wasted because I wasn't really happy, and although I tried my best, it came down to everything being ungenuine. 

I mean, I tried being optimistic and having a positive mindset but I never really enjoyed myself. It was also a bad idea to pretend like you're enjoying your time with friends when you're actually not. I did a lot of pretending these past 2 years it almost makes me sick when I look back now. Poor younger Arem2013, trying her best to feel happy.

Now that I'm more grown and I've learned a lot, I think it's okay to admit that you feel like sometimes. I think it's okay to come out and admit to people that you feel weak and you need help. My past year was like this, I was constantly trying to look strong in front of the my new classmates. It turned out to be quite an unhappy year for me. 

Also, I had really bad friends. Everyone was a mismatch for me and younger me tried her best to fit in with people who weren't even fit for her. Everyone were just energy ers and I felt extremely toxic and worn out everytime I was with them. I guess it's the fear of being alone that prevented me from choosing better for myself. 

Thank God, I fixed all these "bad friends" dilemma last year. I literally had to stop talking to my group of friends when I woke up and realized that I was with the wrong people. It was rude of me to suddenly stop talking to them, despite being classmates and seatmates but I think it was unavoidable, I, myself, was trying to figure out where I stand with myself, cut me some slack (haha)

I was able to explain myself and apologize to them, however, before summer break started. I'm very proud for being able to do that. Thinking back now, I don't regret one bit of what happened. There were some good times with them when we were friends but now I truly feel genuinely happy. Back then, my happiness was like a ticking time bomb: there was a time limit to it. But now, I don't think there is. I am able to feel happy without worrying about anything in the future. 

Last year was also the year I got into bad "relationships" with people whom, I still regret involving myself with. Last year was a new year for me as I entered Grade 11, where it's a new set of classmates. And I literally just jumped into every relationship I could. That was how thirsty of love I was. I needed something new, I needed affection. 

Sure, I was receiving love from my family but at that point, I needed something different. I was so desperate for affection that subpar people were okay for me. Again, this goes back to me being too optimistic for my own good. 

I knew that I was a mismatch from the guys who asked me out. I knew that I never liked any one of them genuinely. I knew that there wasn't even an initial attraction for any of them. I knew that I was just pushing myself because I was sure that it was the only choice I had. At that point, I thought to myself, "I won't be able to find someone if I don't have an open mind, right?" Well, she was right, but to push yourself even if there were never feelings? Puh-lease. I think that's where you draw the line. 

The problem with this was that I had no role model. I thought highly of myself, and was certain that I was so self-aware that I needed no role model. I think role models are important because they set a standard, an ideal. Role models set this level that you are encouraged to reach. 

My mom has always been a role model for me. But she's already married, and she didn't have much of a teenage life back then. (Before, you enter college at 15 years old). So I don't have much of a reference from her in terms of how to deal with the teenage drama I'm currently dealing with. 

Baekhyun was also one of the pillars of my growing up years. But I didn't look up to him the same way that I would look up to a role model. 

All of this, I realized when Huang Renjun came into my life. Everything at this point may sound funny and unreal but believe me when I say that this is my true sentiments for him. 

I'm truly grateful that I came to know NCT Dream again. I was able to recognize myself in him. My younger, happier, more optimistic self. This sounds very nostalgic to me because I truly missed my younger self. You know, the Arem2013 who was watching K-pop MVs in the TV while eating the breakfast that her mom made her, without any care in the world. 

I missed that. I missed that sense of being carefree and not worrying about the future. 

I saw a lot of myself in him. We're both alien and space conspiracy theorists. We both believed in the supernatural. We're both obssessed with zombies and believed that we're the ones that are gonna survive in the apocalypse. We both have very curious and stubborn minds that we're asking a lot of questions. He's very thoughtful and deep as a person, the same way that I am. He's confident but you can see that he also has insecurties, the same way that I do. The only difference? He was happy when I was not. Or at least, that's what I think. 

He's out there persuing his dreams, away from his family. It must be difficult. But he's being strong. While I'm out here complaining about all the things that I couldn't have. For Pete's sake, I'm very blessed and yet I keep saying that I don't have this, I don't have that. 

I think it's important to live your life honestly. Both to yourself and to the people around you. 

My summer of 2019 was when Renjun came into my life and urged me to stop being sorry for myself and instead, work for the things that I want in my life. I know, this sounds crazy but I think it's a healthy admiration for him.

The world doesn't deserve him. I'm going to my last year of high school with him in mind. What would he do? What would he say? 

I think K-pop can serve as a good coping mechanism. I know some people had said that K-pop can just be a distraction to confronting the real problems but I think it just depends on how you see it and immerse yourself into it. 

Humans aren't just one thing, you know. You're not just "that straight A Asian kid" or that "awkward potato" that you think you are. You can be many things. Humans are multi-layered. This is what I learned the best from the past year. I was always that "stone cold smart Asian kid" but that "stone cold smart Asian kid" can feel weak, too. That kid can feel sad, too. That kid can cry, too. That kid can fail, too. And that's okay, because that's part of learning. 

I'm finally able to see people this way. And this is how I see Renjun. He's not just the "pure, innocent" boy that SM assigned him to be. He's a real human who feels a variety of emotions. And that's okay. In fact, that's beautiful, because I'm able to relate to him. To see myself in him.

Now, it's a quest of seeing my current self in him. Not just my past, happier self. But also my current self.