Hey everyone! It's me Adi, back with another blog. And I don't know if you guys know about this, but 2019 started off as an awesome year for me. But, lots of bad things kept happening; this involved school, family, friends and AFF too. I lost my grandmother a week ago, and although I promised to keep it to myself, I guess it's out now. I lost a really good friend from here; my neighbor is moving away, etc. Before you continue, I just want to let you all know that this is a sensitive topic for me, and if you're having a great day, then don't read this. I don't want to ruin the mood.

So, yeah. A horrible beginning, maybe?

Well, another thing that has happened to me this week is something that involves my ex-best-friend. Now, before I get to it, I just want you all to know why I don't have a best-friend and why I probably won't have one anytime soon. Firstly, I think having a best-friend is like choosing one out of many, which seems to be rude and wrong in some cases. I can enjoy my time with all my friends instead of having to pick one out, right? At least that's what I believe. Basically, I'm fine without a best-friend. And my friends aren't against it either. They love the fact that I get along with the whole circle-of-friends without any trouble. Sometimes, I feel insecure of myself. That's another reason why I don't want a best-friend; it would be sad to have a person stick by my side through thick and thin, and by 'me', I mean an 'insecure' stranger.

I never really show my emotions to anyone, because if I keep it to myself, it leaves my head quicker. That's why, for almost 3 years now, I haven't talked about this to anyone but my friends and my family. I just want to remind you all that this is just me trying to change by getting things off my shoulders to make my life easier. You don't have to read this blog because it isn't important. But, I figured that if I stay on AFF for long, I should be able to share my thoughts.

Basically, 3 years ago, when I was in 5th and 6th grade (half way through 5th grade and a complete year for 6th grade), I found my best-friend. I've always told myself that if I ever get a best-friend, I'd like him/her to be in my class, have many things in common, live somewhere close by so we could visit each other, share secrets, and be the pair that everyone would have fun with. One day, in my school-bus, a new student sat beside me. She was only a few months older than me, and surprisingly, we were in the same class. So, we got to talking and we discussed interests and happened to have a great time together. But, we weren't best-friends just yet. A few days passed by, and I suppose she got to know me better since I talked a lot and my whole class got along with me and all, so we spent more time together and unknowingly became best-friends. How did we know that? Well, when we had to choose members for a team or a group-project, she would always choose me first and I'd reciprocate. We didn't have much in common; she doesn't know anything about K-Pop, she doesn't watch anime, she isn't a fan of Marvel, and we never really shared much secrets. But, I gave it a chance. Because, she was the only 'best-friend' who stayed with me for 2 years. Before I met her, whoever I would consider my 'best-friend' would either leave the school or move away or something else. She, thanfkully, lived close by, and we spent 2 years together. Those 2 years went by quite happily (5th grade and 6th grade), but when I went to 7th grade, things began to change. At the beginning of every school-year, we have this 'Annual Prize Day' where the teachers hand out certificates and awards to toppers and rank-holders. I was one of them, and it seemed that my so-called 'best -friend' started to be more interested in actually being a best-friend because of that. She spent more time with me because of my 1st rank, and because I could do well in sports and music, she spent more time with me because I could get along with people, she spent more time with me because most people knew me and she could be introduced to the people as my 'best-friend'. She 'used' me.

You know, I didn't realize any of this. I guess I was too focused in school, or too happy with the fact that I have a best-friend now, a legitimate one. Except, one day, my friends (other than my best-friend) wanted to talk to me. Luckily, they had the chance because 'she' was absent. They told me about how she is just using me and at the same time, back-bites about me and stuff. I was too shocked to believe them.

I didn't.

I didn't believe them, and it was the biggest mistake ever.

I yelled at them and told them they were being stupid and jealous (I was being stupid, I was so selfish) and it is the one thing I regret in life. They didn't yell back and instead, they apologized. They were being true friends... Anyways, I continued living life the way it is. But, through my other friend, I found out that my 'best-friend' spread a rumor about me cheating in exams? I would never cheat on an exam! Soon, halfway through 7th grade, she messaged me and told me that she doesn't want to be my best-friend anymore. She told me it's because of 'religion', even though it was truly because I found out that she was the one who spread the rumor, and that this could cause her to be hated. And, you know what's strange? I didn't yell at her or get mad at her. I just laughed it off and said 'Okay'.

It was a stupid thing, I can't believe I was actually her 'best-friend'. Worst of all, I can't believe I didn't take my friends' advice seriously. Those years were a terrible mess, but that's not the end.

You won't believe what I did next. My friends gave me the choice of whether allowing 'her' to spend time with us or telling her off. I didn't want to seem so affected and bothered and upset (To be honest, I wasn't that affected. I just regretted everything), so I told them that she can sit with us. I told them that I'm over it. And, somehow, it wasn't too bad. From half of 7th grade, to 8th, my circle-of-friends involved her but I didn't talk to her and she didn't talk to me. But, in 9th grade, she started talking to me again. It's been 5 months since she began talking to me casually again. I thought this meant that we've forgiven each other (even though there isn't anything I should be forgiven for, it was the other way around). Oh, I was so wrong!

I figured she's using me again. Using. Me. Again. I've noticed she only talks to me when it comes to academics and projects and homework, etc. When it comes to hanging out or playing, she goes silent again. It's like I don't exist in her eyes, but somehow I do when it comes to knowledge. What's worse is that I wasn't convinced. I thought maybe she will talk to me soon. So, I did what I had to. I talked to my friends and asked them: "Is it just me, or is 'she' using me again?"

They replied: "I'm so sorry, Adi. We didn't want to tell you because we didn't want to be yelled at again. But, isn't it obvious? She's still the same. Truth be told, we don't like her all that much. But, after seeing you giving her a chance and letting her sit with us, we thought we should try too. I'm sorry."

I was so surprised and shocked and confused; what should I do? I apologized to them for yelling at them back then, and I told them that as much as I want to confront her and tell her to stop, I couldn't. This may sound so stupid, but I'm not a rude person, so every time I had to do something I never do, half of my courage and confidence drowns. They asked me what they could do for me, and me being the stupid me, I told them to 'just leave it'.

Why? Why did I do that? Why did I mess up, again?

Because I 'just left it', I now caused another problem. My ex-best-friend is trying to get back to using me like she used to, she's trying to trick me again. But, just to make sure her trick works this time, she's sending me friend-requests (I ignored them, of course) and talking to me outside of studies and all. Deep inside, I know what her true motive is. And I won't fall for her stupid trick again.

But, at the same time, I can't do anything about it. I'm young, dumb, stupid, selfish, horrible, insecure, and a coward. The problem is, I see her everday. And, as much as I want to stay away from her, I can't because I made the wrong move.

That's why, I'll never get myself a best-friend and I won't even try. It's like a fear now, a fear that the same would happen. All I want now, is to escape her presence and hope that 'she' stops hurting me. I have other friends, I have other friends that I can rely on. And, that's one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog: I can talk bad about her without revealing her name, I can do what she does. If I can't confront her in real-life, I might just talk about her here.

See? I told you, I'm stupid and worthless. Me? Nice? No, I'm just as rude as she is, and she caused it, she molded me into this devil or whatever she is. But, I'm going to change. I'm not going to let her take control of my life. That's why, this is the last time I'll speak of her or think about her. This is it. From this minute onwards, I'm going to be back to myself. I'm going to take my mind back to before I met her. She isn't my ex-best-friend anymore, she's a friend, a classmate.

That's it. That's all I have to rant about. I'm sorry you had to read this blog. I'm just a bit angry and I wanted to let this off my heart. My friends told me open up more and talk about things. They tell me that keeping stuff to myself is a bad habit; it's like letting myself drown willingly and not calling for help.

I'm sorry.