disclaimer: contains my own opinions on exo; feel free to disagree.

i've been getting back into exo these past few days. i don't know when luhan ceased to become a member of exo for me. he was my bias, my very first bias in al of kpop, so it was hard to put him down when he left. but i guess it must have been when he came out with that good good lol. i don't know, it just seemed a lot easier to let go of kris and tao. especially tao. but by then i already didn't consider myself an exo-l anymore.

i stopped calling myself an exo-l after tao left, mostly because there wasn't anything for me in the fandom anymore. (and if you'll remember, 2015-ish was when exo-l was a really problematic fandom.) when go fighting came out, i realize how amazing yixing was, and in a way, that sort of brought me back into exo. i settled on baekhyun as my bias, and that still stands today.

i miss exo. i didn't particularly like tempo, and though love shot was good, i didn't... necessarily like it? i got tired of it quickly, and it's just not... i don't know. i didn't particularly like any of their albums past love me right. maybe it's because i cling onto the past, but to me, xoxo will always be the most classic exo album.

it's just that, their concepts, too many guy groups are doing them nowadays, and i feel like sm isn't really trying anymore. as much as i didn't like wolf, the concept was okay, and the drama mv was really nice. storyline is another issue lol, one that i don't want to talk about right now. i don't know, i just miss exo. pre-2015 exo. the young, fluffy exo. the ones who made me feel something, anything, a connection to this, this... whole kpop concept.

so yeah, i'm getting a bit tired of kpop. it's not the artists, it's not anything. i'm just not as interested anymore, and part of that is because many of the songs all sound the same, and there's no point anymore. but part of it is also... i guess it was a phase? i outgrew my kboo phase in 2016 lol, but i don't know, i guess i still had a bit of that in me. i guess i never really outgrow anything until i really do, and that sort of makes me sad.

夜空下的雪花，每一个都是你的泪滴

it's actually really funny because i've been on the verge of leaving kpop, but then it keeps pulling me back in. some groups just save me. infinite, shinhwa, up10tion. and at the end, i come back to exo, and it's like coming home. there's a certain warmth that i only associate with exo, a feeling of youth and safety and being cared for. caring for something in an affectionate way, and being cared for in the same. it's selfless, and i'll never really let them go.

i guess i'll keep holding onto my memories. it was great, but i don't think they'll return to who they were because, well, lol. exo gave me a light in an ocean of apathy, and i'll just... keep grasping at that, i guess. lol.

i've said a lot, but i don't think i can actually leave kpop. not now, at least. and undoubtedly i've been writing more original and crossover, but idk. maybe i'll write some more ships? i feel like a fake writer, not really good at anything but moderately okay enough to stay afloat.

i don't even really know what i want anymore. nothing really "interests" me. i've lost passion, and all i want to do is get into a ing college and be done with it. i don't want to keep doing work. i've lost motivation in everything. and it because i don't even have the motivation to get more motivation. what even is my life anymore?

i could be motivating and be like 'oh but it's okay life goes on and i just need to push through' but if this is pushing through, i don't ing want it. it's not worth living like everyday getting six hours of sleep falling asleep in class just for some ing grades. and yet it's what i do anyway.

i'm scared for college. people say it gets better, but others say it's a lot worse because you have to deal with repsonsibility. i'm scared about the community and what they might make me do. i don't want to get involved with anything... bad...? but blur the line between good and bad and what do you have? nothing. nothing useful. lol. i don't want to up.

i don't trust buzzfeed news very often, but today, i read their article on "why millenials are the burnout generation", and some of the things resonated with me. so much pressure, growing up in an environment where most things were stable and yet as times change, we change with it, but the world changes much faster than humans do. we're forced to get degrees to even get an entry-level job, and the staggering weight of student debt breaks our backs before we even turn twenty-five. we're unsatisfied with life as it is because our parents tell us about how they fell in love with their job and knew it was for them, but we can't do that.

heck, i'm not even a millenial.

it's just life, then.

(and after all this time, it's always baekhyun's voice.)

wow, i pulled back to the keeb real fast lol. idk, i didn't have a reason i wanted to post this. just sort of disillusioned by the whole idea of society. and missing exo.