I was sitting thinking earlier about my writing on AFF; I have some readers who are so, so, so amazingly kind and wonderful, and I value them all immensely. I love the story I work on as my central project, and have such fun developing it. However, sometimes I find it very hard to know if it's worth writing. This post sounds so defeatist, and I don't mean it as such, nor do I mean it as an out-pouring of attention-seeking - rather, it's more just that... As a writer here, and I am sure many of you can relate, there's often this wall between us and the majority of our readers. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every read, subscription and upvote - but the problem with something like a subscription is that I can rarely get to know an individual from it, or what they think of my story, whether they actually liked it or subscribed to it and then got bored of it. 

I love writing, I really do, and I love growing as a writer and learning; if I can impact even one person with what I've penned, then I feel honoured, blessed, even. Sometimes, though, I doubt my own ability ten-fold - I think all writers do - and I struggle to know what people truly think of my work. My own project is long, over 90,000 words right now and barely even half-way through yet, and I get that people have committments outside of AFF - that they can't read every chapter in a day, that they don't have time to read consistently. I also understand that it might just not be everyone's preferred thing, because it's dystopian, action, not the most popularised genre here. Yet, it's just that I see so many other stories with huge swathes of comments, and sometimes I think- maybe my writing is just bad? Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I should just nip the story in the bud? 

Writing Neon has really helped get me through the day in many ways, but it's definitely a huge drain on time; whilst I want to write it, I think I could probably convince myself not to if I knew people disliked it. I could focus my writing attentions elsewhere (for, I will always spend my time writing, but I could revert back to poetry, or something), or simply just write Neon, but keep it to myself and try hew out the mistakes and grow from it - likely, that would be the option I would pick, because I can't leave this story, not now. I know I must sound awfully hungry for attention, but that's not what I mean; I don't want scores of comments and lines of praise, I just want affirmation that I should keep going. Again, I know I have some amazing readers, whom I value so much, and I'd honestly very likely just continue it for them alone - it's just getting harder because I don't know where I am at in terms of sustaining interest, or giving people what they want to read. As the chapters develop, I fall more into the story, and for any readers who are up-to-date, the following chapters will probably heavily reform their views on the characters; though part of me thinks, is it too late? Is it boring? Badly written? Pointless?

The truth is, and you may laugh and find this somewhat silly, I honestly don't want to use the group - BTS - in a story of poor quality, it's almost like I want to honour their names and impact upon the fandom with what little purchase I have here. I want to use my story and try and change opinions and thoughts surrounding certain issues, and I know that fan-fiction won't ever be able to allow this on a main-stream platform, but I feel like maybe, amidst like-minded people and fans, I have a chance. As the story progresses, it's going to deal with heavier issues, surrounding mental health, ual abuse - topics that find themselves at the forefront of suffering in today's society. I really want to use my story as a conduit, to help reform thoughts, somehow. I just don't know if my writing is enough to ever achieve that, and I don't want to use BTS just... because. I wanted to write fan-fiction because it opened a window for me to speak to people like myself. I don't know, I just want to use my writing for something good, and I can't help but think I am failing at that.

I don't know why I wrote this, really. It probably comes across as a desparate plea for attention, but that's not what I intend. Really, I just fear sometimes that I am not doing justice to my message or to my readers, or indeed to BTS, with my fan-fiction. I know the whole write-for-yourself mentality should be paramount, but writing for myself is writing for my readers, if that makes sense. I don't know, I just don't. I just want my story to reach out to people and have impact, either by being something they just enjoy or something that resonates with them, but I'm scared I will never achieve that.

Sorry for rambling.

-Emma