Extremely personal blog, I advise you to not think too much about it and please don't take anything personally.

I don't mean to harm anyone’s feelings or fantasize this but this was suffocating me. I had to write it down somewhere and I’m most likely going to take down the blog feeling stupid anyways.

This is angsty and could spoil your day.

If you have any questions or complaints about this, PM me.

>>>>

M-Rated and [TW]

Angst One-shot.

Expected to be continued.

Story inspired from real life incidents, and means no harm to any fictional or real character.

It's angsty, and personal, don't read it if you aren't interested.

**

[My first ever blog / based on real life incidents or dialogues, I mean no harm to anyone…. Countable 2-3 dialogues must have been changed overall]

[My story 'For You’ hasn’t progressed yet to be addressed as a ‘based on real life story’, so you can't count that in.]

{You have been warned --3.5 K ahead} {Credits to LavenderRose <33 for Beta-reading for me}

“Go Away!!!” The green haired male yelled slamming on the table, making Jimin jump.

“H-hyung...” he stuttered.

“GO TO YOUR SO CALLED BEST FRIENDS WHO CAN COMFORT YOU, LIKE HOW I CAN'T” his eyes red with anger but there was hint of pain behind them.

“H...hyung! That's really--” Jimin halted trying to understand the words.

“ YOU! I AM DONE WITH YOU!” No he didn't mean it..... He screamed out of frustration.

“H...yung” his voice small and quivering.

“ YOU!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. YOU ARE SO ING COMPLICATED! WHAT EMPTINESS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!! I DON'T GIVE A ”......No… he doesn't actually mean that….right?

“Hyung.. you are h..urting me.”

“ You! Go away! Le...ave!”

Leave..?

“Hyung---”

“I h--ate you… ”

But..

“.... LEAVE.”…

...

“..F-Fine I w..ill leave then.” was all he said, blinking his tears away.

At this point he didn’t want to break down in front of him.He left the keys on the counter, hands trembling, why does it have to be this way.

Numb….

There were no feelings.

He didn't felt anything as he slowly walked out the door.

Why do I feel so… blank?

Internally a deeper part of him asked.Even I don't know why….

It looks like how it does every normal day, as how he unlocks his car and wipes the windshield.

He doesn't look affected and he doesn't even know why. All he knows is what everything will boil down to, that when this all comes crashing down, this will break him.

He kept chanting “I am alright! He didn't mean it.” Time after time to distract himself from the dark thoughts having yet cleaned his bedroom, what he actually should be worrying about.

It's alright… It's nothing...

He isn't scared anymore… of losing him.

Still… the simple thought of 'breaking-up’ left a bad taste in his mouth.But they weren't in a fully established relationship either.

They were was slowly progressing from friends… to lovers… to couples.Being stuck mid-way due to unavoidable reasons.Reasons that confused a lot of people about their relationship.

He tried…. Sorry.

He tried harming himself multiple times for not being able to commit to the relationship completely…. What seemed so easy to everyone else, wasn’t easy for him. It was harder than anyone could imagine. He couldn't even endure the pain elder was in, it hurt to see him cry and break.

He doesn't even want to recall the last time he was ready to commit on Valentine's day ..tch.

Committing to someone he knows who loves him more than his world but the next minute he becomes scary, trying to hurt him intentionally or unintentionally...that he isn't sure of…. He would never hurt me intentionally....Never.

Ever since Suga confessed his feelings for him, he had committed to him internally, flattered and deep in love, he was too caught up to even think about whether they were official yet, unsure of what are they were going to do next.

….

Beautiful….

The most beautiful memories…. The way they spent their time talking about each other, Min had been a complete not giving out alot but it was the best feeling ever.

Being lost in one another..

I am… sorry…  for calling you selfish… it was in the moment… I’m…  

It's my fault…

You aren't selfish… umm….. Geez we’re so childish… we will probably cuddle tonight.

….Right? ...

***

He blinked his eyes, a lone tear surprising him. It's coming down…

His adrenaline rush was coming down; once he recalls what had just happened, how will he handle it?.

Tae…help...

I..wanna.....

No, he can't, “Prove to me you aren't worthless Min.” Said his dad a few months ago.

He couldn't…. He can't hurt himself...

“GO AWAY”

“ YOU”

“I’M DONE WITH YOU”

The words kept spinning in his head, unaware that he was actually holding up the line.

“Excuse me, if you don't mind can I go ahead of you?” A girl asked.

Nodding, he backed away, allowing almost everyone to walk ahead of him, their minds having been already made up and ready to order.

Stepping back more slowly he feels triggered as he glances at the walls of the coffee shop.

Having spent most of his time here chatting with his favorite person all the time, not giving a about the world.

....

It was the same brown walls, same smell of fresh coffee, his same order.

It was finally hitting him now.

He quivered, feeling lost….

Slowly taking steps back with trembling feet…

Usually they would both argue, yelling at each other, but this time he was careful with his words. Calm and collected to not push the elder male to the edge. He tried talking things out not wanting to hurt him but instead his Hyung asked him to leave.

He doesn't want me now?

Pushing the doors he ran out of the café, tears running down his cheek.

Weird....

What was this new feeling?

A panic attack?

An anxiety attack?

He glanced around not sure what he was searching for A car?Suga Hyung?

I… what if he actually meant that… what if he is tired of me… what if he doesn't want to see me again… It's my fault ...I said he was being selfish always thinking about himself.

But… I wasn't being mad at him or was yelling at him… why did he got so pissed.

He still loves me ... right? ....What if he doesn't anymore.

Confused, he stumbled on his shoe laces he never tied.

Curling up, no longer wanting to stand up.

He effectively hid himself behind the car.

“y..why..”

“W..h.y”

“I…  l-ove you… bu-t w-hy… why did yo-u do.. thi-s… yo-u th-ink…  I enjoy callin-g.. y-ou sel-fish..?”

“I’-m… so-orry…”

Finally, everything came crashing down. His small whispers turning into loud sobs, he didn't care about hiding anymore.

Crying his heart out, clenching his chest, wanting to stop the pain.

But he couldn't with his brain flooded with so many questions, hating himself for walking out those door.

I should have stayed… I’m so stupid.

Hyung… I promised not to leave you… I’m sorry.

You hate me now… don’t you…

8 Hours later

“WILL YOU EVER PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN PHONE? OR shall I consider having a funeral for you? You’re phones been off for 12 hours now Min! Where the have you been???”

His landline roared, receiving voice mails from his Dad while he pressed the answering machine.

He sniffled not wanting to answer the machine.

“Min! Pick up your phone right now!”

Lethargically plopping down on his couch, on edged, he answered his buzzing device.

“D-ad”

“Min! YOU MO--- Min are you okay?.. Why do you sound like that?”

“I-i… can't breathe..”

“...Why?”

“....it ..h-urts” he panted feeling numb, slowly slipping down the couch.

“What hurts? What happened? Are you okay? Where’s Jihyun?… Talk to me baby… what hurts?.. Tell me…  Why aren’t you answering?! MIN!!”

Darkness…

…

…

It was black, all black.

No dreams, no voices.

No inner sarcastic self to degrade himself.

It was calm.

Peaceful.

And he wanted it to last forever.

He could feel his cheeks still wet.

He must have been crying the whole night in his sleep.

He doesn't want to answer to himself or anyone for that matter.

He had finally broke.

What a surprising turn of events they were supposed to cuddle together while the elder male would work whole night.

Yet Jimin had to poke him on wrong time making this worse than they already did.

He didn’t want to wake up now…Never...

“....r you? Hmm?”

He heard…

“What shall I order for you? Hmm?” The deep voice repeated.

“H..yung?”

Is He here?

“Min, It's your pizza stop blabbering for a second and order this bull, the person on line won't understand my words”

His brother pouted, whining, “I am ing hungry! Get up!”

He glared but his eyes showed nothing but worried, red swollen eyes. So he had been crying too….

I am so pathetic, I hurt everyone.We

Yes you are.

I don't really mean to..

Who cares..

Don't be mean to me…

you..

He was afraid of himself dazed answering his inner self who hates him …..too

“Min...MIN!! Get up you !”

He shook the orange haired male, slightly slapping his cheeks to wake him up.

“J-jih-hyu-n… hmm?”

His voice sounded sore.

Jihyun spread his arms while exaggeratedly cringing.

“Finally Up!! I want to hug you, ...but we bros so it's cringy kekek” The older male chuckled kissing Jimin’s cheek.

There was a comfortable silence, while Jihyun combed Jimin's hair, pulling him close. Jihyun, being eldest never displayed skinship often.

But Jimin had scared the out of him last night. He got the call from their dad who sounded more than worried with his quivering voice.

He was glad he could run back to his baby brother as soon as possible.

“The ing lady was pissing me off… I ordered your favorite pizza, it's your turn to open the door” He tackled orange haired male's back knowing it should have made Jimin giggle at the least… but there was nothing.

“Okay…”

Jihyun sighed, “I can pick it up for you you know, pay me $10 and I will think about it” he giggled nudging Jimin again, but no response.

“..Okay..”

Glancing at the phone, he unlocked the screen frowning, “Jesus Christ 98 missed calls, you are so pathetic Min...tsk tsk.”

He felt Jimin shaking.

“Hey…. Hey I’m just kidding you aren't pathetic… shh.. stop crying… hey… aww you are such a baby…” Hugging his shaking figure close, unable to bear watching him break.

Jimin has always been a happy soul, it was once in a blue moon that he cried or was found upset. Things like mourning for his cats but never….

At least not this bad ever since he lost his mom at young age.

He had seen her struggle through cancer, at how her veins were turning from a green to a dark blue during her treatment.

And how easily he is triggered by the word itself 'Cancer’

He’s seen her struggle, her cry.

He thought he was strong…, but no it left a very deep and bad scar in him.

Which made him weak, very weak.

He can't handle hatred or even a little bit of neglect, and that scares him.

“You know…. You have to actually tell me what happened…” Jihyun nudged him slowly after a while.

Jimin shaked his head.

*Sigh* “Min…. This is serious, at least tell me where you were all along? And what kept you passed out for that long?”

He gulped, hiding his face in the crook of Jihyun's neck.

“You…. You did it again, didn't you?... And? Is he the same person with the same reasons why?..” He wanted to push Jimin back and slap him right on his face for doing so, but it wasn't the right time so he snuggled closer.

The shorter male sighed clinging to him nodding slightly.

“You have to promise me something.” The only way to protect him… I am sorry Minnie I have to do this...

Promise?

Jihyun pulled him off him ruffling his hair.

He looked into his eyes, a frown carving its way onto his lips.

Wiping his tears with tip of his thumb he rubbed his cheek affectionately. He held Jimin's phone tightly smiling sadly at him.

“Promise me----”

….

...

...

***

It was midnight and he couldn't sleep without checking on his Suga.

And after what he had promised to his elder brother he couldn’t help but feel restless.

He checked his feeds and blogs.

Suga seemed upset and sad.

Making him feel even more upset; blaming himself for everything. It's my fault.

His blog about who he was to him made him blush and smile like an idiot once again.

He pressed his cheeks squealing a bit.

Only he could cheer me up that easily…. >/////<

Maybe he could talk to him tomorrow and everything will be fine right?...

Right?....

New blog  One more?

He lingered on the title for a long time before clicking on it.

Maybe he shouldn't have.No… he definitely shouldn't have.

Crush….

6 months…

Crush…

Crush…

Crush…

His inner voice laughed at him.

You deserve it Min.

Crush… He pushed his phone away, panting hard...No..

You unbelievably pathetic, loser.

Stupid.

I am… I ---

You deserve this, you couldn’t even keep your own promise to yourself.

But...

You’ll just run back to him again…

I..a--

You will, since you are pathetic and unbelievably stupid, you are--

Stop ...ugh..

He hid himself under the covers, chanting “It's okay” “It's okay” Multiple times to stop his inner voice from mocking him.

It's fine ... nothing big.

Haha, it's so funny, you never listened to me. I am so happy that you are finally getting what you deserve. Do you actually think you are lovable?

…”...Jihyun come back home..”

NO ONE CARES

stop….

No one care… you will run back to him anyways. Why even bother having self respect.

You disobeyed yourself twice, that’s laughable really. What else? Hmm? Want to be a ---

Shut the hell up. He curled up covering his ears only if it could stop those voices.

I won't… but wait… you are me, I am you… so really, you are doing this to yourself…. Whoops was that an 'eye opener’ for you? You can’t even figure that out yourself, pitiful.

No! you are not me… stop you are the pathetic one not me.

You just called yourself pathetic, you know you are, you just won’t accept it. You know he can get over you within seconds. You were happy at that previous blog eh? Tsk tsk happiness doesn't last long don’t you know? And in your case you get it for a mere few seconds.

Panting harshly he hugged himself shaking his head...

No….He won't… I know he won't….it wasn’t my fault… I didn’t call him selfish.. it was you.. You’re the one who said that! He keeps me happy!

'You know’ rofl, well okay let's see. He must be missing you then, right? But how can he hang around other people for hours and miss you at the same time? Claiming to love you more than himself, and still holding onto the crush… wow h.Ah..e isn't selfish, right? Just ask your friends Min. That's outright--

It's just a crush, shut up. SHUT UP I don't want to know about anything!!! Stop. You don't know anything you are cold.

Okay, okay, run back to him and continue on with your miserable life where you cry everyday, where your emptiness can never be filled or healed.

I don't cry everyday. Stop lying.

Oh don't give me that bull, pretending to be okay in front of everyone. You can't fool yourself babe.And especially not me… who is you. You think you can face his demons when you are scared of me too haha.

….

He can get over you in seconds, open your eyes, oh wait you’re blind.Mentally and physically. I can't expect any better.

He won't.

He already did…. Don't trust me? Log back in and talk to your close friends.Ask them what they think.

….

..

…

…

…

“It's your turn Min”.... “I am sorry for you”.. “I am.. pissed about it… but you should move on” ”...I am really sorry for you..”

I was right.

I…

His inner conflict turning dark second by second.

I am always right, I am your gut feeling you ignore every time.

But… maybe they are confused themselves my friends won't judge anyone right away.

What? You think...haha don't tell me..you--

I love him, He didn't move on maybe it's a lie to push me away so I don't get hurt by him anymore. He is hurting himself for me.

You are pathetic. You would love him no matter what! Someone who thinks a 'sorry’ is enough to make you erase the pain and memories. Someone who thinks you could forget everything in a matter of seconds.

I love him….

You shouldn't then.

I want to… still… I will love him… please stop..

Then I have to finish you.

No… I want to keep loving him.. it's not fair for him… not me either.. I can't--

You remember what the doctor said? If only you weren't born.... you are the very reason of pain in your family. And you still want to stay here?Continuing to be hurt and hurting your loved ones? You probably do, having already hurt your family yesterday, they must still be concerned.You are n--

Please stop ... please why this, why now?

You are nothing… what are you? Remember how you let down your family's expectations for you everytime.You think you are talented? You think anyone can expect something from you?

"Jihyun!! Help! Someone help! Stop this! Stop this! Stop this! Stop this!"Please.. please.. I am sorry...why are you reminding me of this now... it's not important…. Stop ..stop...stop reminding me my worst moments.

You hurt yourself physically you think that helps you? What are you? Who are you? WHY are you even here?.You pity yourself… everyone pities you. They don't really care about you.He asked you to leave. He said he hates you.

He climbed off the bed his head spinning."I am sorry please stop! Please stop please please. Jihyun.. Dad… help..”

Please stop I will do anything to make it stop PLEASE!... they don't pity me …....they love me. He loves me!!

You can't stop me, you are me. You weren't there for your best friend. You call yourself a friend while she tried killing herself. The entire world pities you and maybe God hates you, you are nothing but bad luck. Whatever your personality is, people think you are fake.Your beloved Hyung said he is done with you...you thought you can turn to him?

Pl-ea-se… pl-- ...Tae..help

Leave!!, You just want to rant it out to Tae you think it's fair for her if you bring her down too, you are selfish too, Ranting to them will only make them bad here . Shame on you.Suga will be better off you, you are his trigger. Everyone is better off you.

No… please I'm sorry… make it stop please.. Please no..

You claim to love him but you stay here even though you know, you are his Trigger, he is tired of you. He doesn't need you. He is done with you He is over you. He is tired of you triggering him… He no longer needs you...No one needs you.

M...ake it stop ple..ase...

Will you leave then? For me at least I don't want to be pathetic or pitiful do me a favor and leave the only good thing you could do...ever..

…..y-y...ye-s ..I will leave.. please s..top.

You see the door out there, open that and leave, do that and I’ll stop. Once you promise to never come back and never allow anyone in…. If you do come back or break your promise… once again... do yourself a favour and kill us.

…..

Scared to promise? Loser.

Please sto-p ….I...pro..mise…

Changed ...

Caged …

Promised..

Guarded

Protected

Weak..

Permanently closed.

Emptiness…

Where am I? Who am I?

(......And ...I am sorry for writing this....)