Dumpling_Khanh review of Last Goodbye

Review by Dumpling_Khanh




The story fits in relation with the plot. Despite so, there are multiple stories with the same names. I'm afraid that will stop helping the story to stand out more.


First impression:


The italic part of the description I feel like should be on the foreword since the description should be short but long enough to capture the reader's attention. Other than that you're great to go! The layout is clean and everything is presentable!




The story starts off confusing at first, but it works to hook in readers in the first few paragraphs.
Just a personal comment for past tense scenes: Try to tie in the flashback without using italics. Of course this is just a fanfic and not a professional book, but incorporating techniques of showing and not telling using dialogue provides a more mysterious mood in your story. (If you get what I mean. I don't mean to be harsh. Just a suggestion :-) )




Original: But in the meantime Brian still hurt.
Suggestion: But in the meantime, Brian was still hurt.
There are a few more punctuation and word error like this, but it's really minor so don't worry about this much since everyone makes these mistakes!
Original: Jae smiles and stands, placing his hand on the tombstone he smiles...
Suggestion: Jae smiles and stands up, placing his hand on the tombstone and his smile widens.
So Jae in this sentence somehow smiled twice?
The tenses are constant which I like. Other than that you're good!




The theme raises awareness for drug abuse.


Personal thought: 


I like your writing style! I would have liked more details on the character's appearance to appease the viewers who randomly stumbled upon this story with no idea who the characters are. Jae and Jimin's dynamic I feel could be better explained but within a one shot format, it's executed quite well. Also with the tags, Twice's Momo was never explicitly mentioned which I thought would be off putting for those who specifically searched the engine for her.

Overall, great story! I'm sorry for taking so long and I hope I wasn't too nit picky. DM me if you have any questions!

No comments yet