My heart can’t have what it wants.

And from there onwards I’m struggling to explain myself. Here: by heart – I am referring to emotional decisions. I know why, and that’s because I haven’t developed it: my sense in emotional maneuver. I have somehow (at one young point in my life) have decided for myself that emotions are unnecessary complications when it comes to living, growing up, or making decisions.
And it’s very deep rooted, so much so I believe it to this day – it’s a fundamental building block to my existence. Because of this, I never paid attention to growing emotionally. I am now – incapable of analyzing and exploring complicated emotions and sometimes people’s actions that were emotionally generated.

Why did he kill himself?
It was social pressure.
And beyond that one logical reasoning, I am incapable of digging in any deeper. I cannot individually understand the behavior of people that come from emotional places.
Why is he jealous? Why is she angry?
I can understand these things: but at a very surface, logical level. It doesn’t mean I am incapable of being empathetic – it means I am incapable of entirely understanding. That’s conflicting because understanding is very important to me – being the logical analytical person I am.
This is a reason why Science was my favorite subject at school, and history was my least favorite.
I can very much understand the process of photosynthesis and (fairly) complex equations of electromagnetism, but never the reason why the people rioted (other than at a surface level).

I saw no potential in subjects like history -and it came from somewhere deep in me. When I chose to study Biology for my Advanced levels, my best friend at the time decided to study Arts, including subjects like Political Science; subjects I saw no potential in. I stopped talking to her, and even accused her for choosing to study those subjects for whatever reason.
This wasn’t just coming from a logical point to me, I see now.
It’s also coming from my being of existence who doesn’t value emotions. It was conflicting, to have her choose something that I was fundamentally against. And me, being incapable of processing anything emotional, just pushed the issue aside and stopped talking to her. I was perhaps, 17, at the time.
Almost too old a child to not be able to understand. But I never paid mind to it – because, emotions are unnecessary for living.

But there was something, in the midst of it that I just couldn’t comprehend. And that was the science behind emotion. Even though it doesn’t mean to me, why does it mean so much for everyone else? Why were emotions a building block of society, when to me – it obviously wasn’t?
After I started working, I was seeing this to be a reality more and more. I think the fact that I’m in advertising had helped me realize this much further; and had compelled me to go out of my comfort zone to explore the world of emotions. And as I ventured out, I learned nothing. I was still stuck at the surface level logic behind a person jealousy or sadness; and I learnt why I am.
I discovered that the reason behind my incapability of understanding these things, comes from a much deep rooted place and that I had spent years believing in it, to this date, and possibly in the future too.

Now, I can explain, logically – and fairly, why my ‘heart’ can’t have what it wants.

As I started to see the complexity (only see it, never understand it) of emotion, and of my own (which without my self-realization had built me to be what I am) I find myself simply fascinated by it.
But that’s a dangerous zone.
Because this fascination is of a moth drawn into the fire.

I don’t know how to maneuver myself in this dimension of emotions. It’s not a place for me to exist in, not successfully, and most definitely not now. I never know what to say, or what’s to be done when caught in an emotional moment with another person. In example, if I walk into a person crying, I cannot truly comfort them or understand them. I can be empathetic, but I cannot truly help them. In example, I don’t know how to understand a person who tells me that they’re romantically interested in me. It goes from being dysfunctional in simple everyday moments to being dysfunctional in more important, and impactful moments.

But luckily to me, growth is just as fascinating a concept.
From 17 years old, to 22 years old, I’ve grown – emotionally. And that’s great.
Maybe I’d make it in time – maybe I can be better than dysfunctional in a moment that counts; but that’s for a me of the future.
I do look forward for it.

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pokopori #1 Apr 18, 2018 01:04:37

Zanfii <3 First, that was so eloquently written that I read it twice to fully appreciate the message you're sending.

Second, strangely, as I was reading what you wrote, it felt as if I was reading a piece from the Youngjae of my Dolls story. In my universe, this is similar to the world he lived in with a few minor differences. Both boils down to "feeling". I draw parallels between you and him through your difficulty in feeling emotions... and also in the sense that you're both AWARE of it.

To be aware of something is the beginning of change. You've said so yourself; the 17 year old you has grown emotionally to the 22 year old you. There is no "perfectly emotionally normal" you at any age in your life. That's the beauty of emotions; there is no "normal". You feel what you feel, even if it's a lack of feeling. We feel different feelings towards different things at different times in our lives. For example, I once felt excited at the thought of dating and connecting with people. Nowadays, all I feel is exhaustion at the idea of telling one more person about "what I like to do in my spare time".

Third, your inability to fully comprehend the source of someone's actions (that have been primarily driven by emotions) is nothing strange. I daresay most of society today has difficulty truly understanding, emotionally, why people do the things they do. Not even the most pedigreed psychiatrists, psychologists, and sociologists can really crack this code. In this sense, you are absolutely "normal". I pride myself in being more empathetic than most people I know and yet I have great difficulty in comforting an upset friend (particularly if I'm not really close).

That brings me to my final point: your emotional connection with the person you are facing will impact how you "feel" about their actions. It is difficult to understand the thoughts and actions of a stranger; we can only see the surface of their reasons and thus only understand the surface of their emotional motivation. How I "feel" standing in front of a crying stranger will be drastically different than how I "feel" in front my crying best friend. To the stranger (and I use stranger here as a general term... this would refer also to friends/acquaintances that I care little about), I will feel little more than awkwardness and minimal empathy. To my best friend, I would feel devastation and a desperate need to correct whatever it is that made them upset.

Perhaps the thing you should consider is not that you have difficulty feeling emotion... but that you have not yet truly connected on an emotional level to the people around you. When I truly connect with someone (friends, family, neighbours, pets), my emotions tend to mirror theirs. I cry when they cry, I laugh when they laugh... I feel GIDDY when they feel GIDDY. There's no explanation for it.

To end my overly looooooong post, I'll present you with a translated quote from a drama I previously watched:

"Even if life deceives you, don't be sad or angry. Living through to the future and the present's sad things, everything is just in the moment and will come to pass. And how great are the things that will come to pass."