This is a rant and me rambling. I'm not looking for comfort or approval. I just wanted to pour this out for my own relief.

On AFF alone I've been writing for nearly four long years but even longer behind the screen. At one point, once upon a time, I did think about writing seriously. I thought about making a career and future out of it. It was always between writing or drawing because those were the only two things I was confident in, although even with practice I was clearly not talented compared to my peers. And though I don't consider writing as my passion, I was proud to say it was my main hobby after the age of 15.

Whenever someone asks me what do I do in my spare time, my answer would always be writing. Even if I wasn't writing or was taking a break from it. 

I at articulating and so writing was my escape. I was able to cope thanks to writing.

Now, four years later, with my experiences on AFF being the first platform/media for me to open up about my works and pieces, I've become self-conscious about what I publish anywhere. When I first started, I could easily push out a chaptered story in under a month. Proudly I can say I completed a 75 chaptered story in three months. But as I grow as a writer, I realize that was something I shouldn't be proud of. I legit put out and I was happy because others read it and praise the story a lot. However, at that time I didn't take into consideration my poor grammar, y characterizations, and unworthy crap crap crap of a story so I easily tormented my readers by re-using words and drilling a character's name into their skulls. Every sentence started out with the same recycled word I've used two sentences prior. It's annoying that I realized it too late.

Lately, writing isn't appealing. The thought of it makes me lose my appetite. I get mad knowing that I have to continue my stories because I hate leaving things unfinished. But I can't get rid of them. I refuse to delete them. Refuse to leave them unfinished and to hand them off to anyone to save my conflicted emotions. I don't know what I need and want. Whether it's encouragement, motivation, or inspiration. What I do know though is that I'm not satisfied with myself. Before I update a chapter, I read it over and over again just to detect any flaws, yet, at the same time, I have no true knowledge of what is incorrect or improper and I hate myself for that. 

I hate to admit that I've been disturbed about writing for the last eight to ten months but the hatred is growing on me. I'm drained of every update I force myself to release. I don't want to say I should write for myself in order for me to love it again, I wouldn't have started with AFF if that was the case. Wholeheartedly, I believed I was talented enough to be noticed. Perhaps not to the point of fame or popularity because I hated the idea of too much attention but if I ever did get there, I wouldn't have minded. At least I'll feel a bit accomplished. What's also bothering me is a simple fact that I'm indecisive about to stop or to keep going. I don't want to write and troubled people with my poor writing but at the same time, I feel unappreciated. I often wonder what's wrong with my stories. Do they that bad that people won't even do a double take? Am I really not cut out for writing? Is my constantly taking breaks the major problem for my failure to attract readers and critiques? But what about my completed works? They must big time so that should be my cue to take them down, right? However, what if someone appreciates them later on but was never given a chance? I should leave it up until I decide to stop writing completely, right? 

Gah, I hope I figure this out soon before it drives me nuts.