So, I realized .. It's been two months? Two agonizingly, painfully, slow months. Am I the only one who still cannot accept the truth?

I tried. I really tried. Do you guys believe me?

I tried so hard to smile, but I couldn't. Not with this. I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I just can't.

Please believe me when I say that I tried .. I tried so hard .. But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, so I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I've been looking forward to their concert just as much as I have been dreading it. 

I feel so guilty for crying. I feel like I don't deserve to shed tears. To show and express my sadness. That I'm overreacting .. 

He was my bias you know? ... He was my bias. The one that inspired me so much. That showed me the world in a new light. He was someone so precious to me. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me feel love. He changed my whole being. My life.

SHINee was another source for me to find happiness. The happy bubble aura they had around them was contagious. Their silliness. Their dorkiness. Their adorableness. Their entire beings.

When I discovered Kpop, it was thanks to Super Junior. I connected with them deeply. So I did with Shinhwa and TVXQ. Then group after groups debuted, and I hadn't felt that connection (With a boygroup) since TVXQ and then stepped forward; Little brother group of DBSJ, SHINee. 

Who expected them to become part of the royal family in such a short time? Everyone thought of them as a flop. I didn't. I believed in my boys. I believed in Onew, Minho, Key, Taemin and Jonghyun.

Writing and saying his name makes my heart ache. Which is why I've avoided it completely. When I think about the name, I feel it warm my heart. But hearing it out loud or reading it in some article or story or thread .. Makes me realize that he really and truly is gone. That he's been taken away from us. That he left us. I just .. No words can describe the emptiness I feel inside.

I try to think of the happy times .. When he invented his silly Jonghyun game that will forever live on as his legacy. When he accidentally screamed in falsetto. When Onew threw the pen, aiming for Minho, and it hit Jonghyun instead. When he acted like a total thug on Weekly Idol. When he set off a chain of slaps on Knowing Brother during the skit. His Krump dance. When they swapped souls. When he literally kissed Minho with no trouble. When they won artist of the year in 2013. 

But you guys believe me, right? Please .. I'm really trying. I am really trying. Please believe me .. I will fight hard to find peace with the situation, but please believe me when I say that I am trying .. Please ..