Everybody who has read some of my stuff knows that I'm a Shawol, so you might understand how utterly heartbroken I am at the moment. And after reading some articles about Jonghyun and SHINee in a couple of western newspapers, I'm also really angry. The amount of mindboggling bull and ill-informed stereotyping is unbearable.

First of all, we didn't lose a "pop-icon", we lost Kim Jonghyun, a warm hearted, open minded, intelligent musical genius with outstanding and unique vocal skills, perfect musical hearing and a ton of talent. We lost not a song-writer, we lost a composer and lyricist, a poet and maybe most importantly to many of us we lost a friend. Of course we didn't know him all in person, but he actually knew lots of K-Shawols for years and recognized them. And he was a friend to everybody listening to Blue Night in 1055 nights over the years. He was a listener, a counsellor, a mentor to many of us.

We knew that he was suffering from depressions. He never made it a secret or was ashamed of it. He encouraged others to seek help and received therapy himself. He talked to family and friends and made a real effort. He wanted to become happy, that was one of his resolutions for 2017. It didn't work. He suffered too much and ended his life after carefully finishing everything he could, taking care of his family and friends, even his fans when he asked the tattoo-artist, who had made his tattoos, not to do those on any fans in the same way. He tried to prevent thousands of young girls rushing into getting one of "Jonghyun's tattoos". 

We lost Kim Jonghyun.

All I read is "hurr durr the cruel industry, the plastic surgery, the manufactured music, the thrown together robot-like drilled kids ... no surprise they take their lives"

Yeah, you know nothing. 

The plastic surgery Jonghyun had, as far as I know and as far as my own eyes tell me, has been the miserable attempt to reconstruct his broken nose to what it looked like before his accident. He had one double eyelid which he was bullied for as a kid but that he didn't order in a catalogue. His face was uneven and whenever he lost weight, it became narrow and looked very different. He lost weight frequently and then he gained some back, his face filled and he became little chubby-cheeked Jonghyun again. He wore tons of makeup on stage and sometimes none at all when he was on viewable radio. We knew his bare imperfect face that he was sometimes shy about and sometimes not so much.

Yes, the entertainment-industry in Korea is cruel, competition is tight, everybody has to work really hard. It shouldn't be that way, but it is, like with everything in Korea. Spoiled westerners have no idea how hard you have to work in Korea in ANY business to be recognized and successful. Yes, Korea has a very high suicide rate.

And who are we to judge? And who are we to tell them, what they are doing wrong? 

South Korea is a very small country on a peninsula cut off from continental Asia by an arch-enemy with nuclear weapons that is led by a dictator. You don't see it all the time but Koreans live with an incredible amount of pressure that is caused by these circumstances. They have mandatory service for ALL males and that means every capable young man, idol or otherwise, lives with the prospect of being drafted in his twenties, ripped out of his former life and thrown into another with little chances of vacation or going home at all for 18 month. It used to be even longer. It's a dreaded thing, but Koreans are tough.

There is some hardcore pressure going on in that country, for sure, don't you think Mr. Journalist?

So you don't like the manufactured units? Let me tell you about SHINee.

The little one, Taemin, wanted to become a singer, but was too little when he auditioned to be judged by his singing skills so he showed his dancing. The blinking little thing told the jury some random stuff about himself and made it into the company.

He was planned as a dancer and practiced hours and hours with other kids, some of which became his friends. He didn't receive vocal-training because he hadn't yet gone through his puberty change. But he tried anyway and doing so met who later became his groups leader, Jinki, who was practicing on the roof. Jinki gave  him some lessons, because he was already a skilled singer.

Jinki had been casted for his vocals but if I remember correctly had some kind of relation to the company chef, Lee Soo Man. So he had a bit of an advantage auditioning but wasn't spared any hardship in training. 

And there was Minho, an awkward lanky teenager, shy and insecure, who was casted for his looks. His football-coach father had recommended that he'd not become a football player, since he was lacking talent, so Minho thought he might as well become a singer. 

Struggling hardest and with the most determination was Kibum, who after some fails succeeded in an audition with 3000 kids, two of which were accepted. He danced for his life.

And Jonghyun, the shy bass-player of his school-band, the highschool drop-out who loved his mom and sister to bits, he was accepted for his surprisingly strong vocals and musicality.

Yes, they were juggled around, judged, measured and examined. Could some of them be the new generation of Super Junior who were planned to be rotating (because of the struggle with mandatory service)? And what about this other project with 12 boys or more?

Lee Soo Man looked at them and thought ... "they kind of go well together". So they grew their hair out to be ready for fashionable cuts and (I think) Greg Hwang and Shim Jae-Won and others gathered the little ones around and tought them Rino Nakasone's choreography for "Noona neomu yeppeo".

No big deal for Taemin and Kibum, unfamiliar but doable for athletic Minho, totally new and difficult for Jinki and Jjong. Jjong in his audition was asked to clap to the beat of a couple of songs, since he couldn't dance at all. He passed.

They were all determined, but also extremely young and shy. They were put into their own dorm with a plain, cold bedroom with bunk-beds, where they had to sleep all together.

Yes, they were put together as a group, and then they raised each other and the little duckling they all loved so much. They fought, too, especially the polar opposites Minho and Kibum, but they endured the differences and kept going. Slowly but consistently they grew together.

At debut they still were kids, but Jonghyun and Jinki were surprisingly accomplished singers already and nobody could withstand mushroom-head Taemin. They didn't immediately land a No. 1 hit, but it didn't take them long.

They had a harsh schedule while still being in training and going to school. There were international stages of SM Town where they open mouthed and with big round eyes watched the preparations for the concert.

They kept growing. They learned and thrived and bloomed. And the blossoms were all different. Not a bunch of uni-colored identical flowers. Each one was unique and beautiful.

They had their own concerts, No. 1 hits, awards, fabulous reviews, and they had Shawols. Always a bit surprised by the success, always a bit distracted at award-shows and always supporting each other. 

I could go on for hours writing about them.

I love them to bits, each one of them. They are one of the best things that ever happened in my life. 

To lose one of them hurts so bad that I can hardly describe it. It's just wrong that such a talented and sweet young man died, even though he made that decision. I just wish he had seen a different way. I don't want to speculate about the circumstances, he clearly wanted to end his suffering and I probably just have to accept that.

Lovely Kim Jonghyun, who the western papers don't know anything about and should just entirely shut up about, you will be missed. You did well! Be free now and rest. I'm sending you off. Thank you for everything. I love you.

But ... my boys, my duckling, my Jinki, my Minho, my Kibum, please please please be strong. I don't know what will come out of this in the end and how you will proceed. It doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that you feel loved and that you know, there is support. In a few hours you will have to do the hardest thing you ever had to do in your young lives and carry your brother's coffin. I'm sending you every ounce of strength that I have and hope it will help just a little bit. 

I love all of you, I love 5HINee.