I’m broken on the inside.

The depression that slowly gnawed away at me eventually devoured me.

I couldn’t overcome it.

I hated myself. I resolved to hold on to memories and shouted at myself to come to my senses, but there was no answer.

If there is no way to relieve stifling breath, it’s better to just stop.

I asked who can be responsible for me.

It’s only you.

I was utterly alone.

It’s easy to say you’re going to end things.

It’s hard to actually end things.

I lived with that difficulty this whole time.

You told me that I wanted to escape.

That’s right. I wanted to escape.

From me.

From you.

You asked who is over there. I said it was me. I said it was me again. And I said it was me again.

I asked why I keep forgetting my memories. You told me it was because of my personality. I see. I see that everything is my fault in the end.

I hoped that people would notice but nobody knew. You never met me so of course you would not know I was there.

You asked why I live. Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives just because.

If you ask why people die, they would probably say it’s because they’re exhausted.

I suffered and agonized about it. I never learned how to turn this pain into happiness.

Pain is just pain.

I tried to push myself past it.

Why? Why am I keeping myself from putting an end to it all?

I was told to search for the reason why it hurts.

I know all too well. I’m hurting because of me. It’s all my fault, because I was born this way.

Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn’t do anything wrong.

When you told me in that calm voice that it’s because of my personality, I thought how easy it must be to be a doctor.

It’s almost fascinating, that it hurts this much. People that have it harder than me seem to get along just fine. People weaker than me get along just fine. But that must not be true. Among the people in this world, no one has it harder than me, and no one is weaker than me.

But I still tried to live.

I asked myself why I had to do so hundreds of times, and it was never for me. It was for you.

I wanted to do something for me.

Please stop telling me things you don’t understand.

You tell me to figure out why I’m having a hard time. I told you several times why. Am I not allowed to be this sad just for those reasons? Does it have to be more specific and dramatic? Do I need to have better reasons?

I already told you. Were you even listening? Things you can overcome don’t remain as scars.

I guess I was not meant to confront the world.

I guess I was not meant to lead a life in the public eye.

That’s why it was hard. Confronting the world, and being in the public eye. Why did I make those decisions. It’s ridiculous.

It’s great that I even made it this far.

What more can I say. Just tell me I did well.

Tell me I did well enough and that I went through a lot.

Even if you can’t smile while sending me off, don’t say it’s my fault.

You did well.

You really went through a lot.

Goodbye.

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This is Jonghyun's final letter to Nine9 and he wanted him to disclose it, so here it is.

It is truly sad to see someone who has suffered so much, has decided to give up and let go.

His letter is truly heartbreaking and devastating.

Once and again, this tragedy shows the importance of mental health awareness.

Speaking of this I would like to share something that happened just around me.

They are adults, 50+ years of experience. I thought they're wise.

But they called the person that died of suicide stupid, and selfish.

At that moment, I lost all respect for them, no matter it is family or what.

They are the person that brought me for counseling when the family drifted apart.

They said that it is possible to change.

But they overlooked the actual effort taken to change.

From the letter above we can see that Jonghyun clearly struggled and tried hard.

He had worked so hard, and you discreditted him just because he "didn't think of his parents and friends".

Right, that's what adults do anyway, turning blind on all the effort and only focus on the fact of "success" or "failure".

I have my own struggles, I have my own doubts, and I have my own fair share of suicidal thoughts.

I'm okay now, but it doesn't mean that I'll always be okay.

Depression isn't just a word, mental health isn't just a phrase.

"You're just sad" is an invalid excuse to disregard mental illnesses.

People could get even more hurt by words that seems unintentional.

Mental illnesses are time bombs, and it could explode anytime.

There need to be awareness on this matter.

Nevertheless I hope all of Jonghyun's sufferings end here.

As for me, I'll keep fighting.

171219