I'm still numb at this news. Crying seems to be all I’m capable of doing, but whenever I start to cry, I think of how much pain he must have been in to feel this hopeless. And I only cry harder.

I've always been proud of him. I know all Shawols would agree. He was always our amazing lead vocal, with a tone that nobody could compare to and a way to express emotions so rawly that we all felt them in every word he sang. The world lost an angel today but heaven gained another choir member.

I've seen other writers posting about not being able to continue writing him in stories. And honestly, I’m not sure where I stand on that. Right now, I can tell you that all of my SHINee-related stories are on hold as I process this and grieve. I might not come back to some, but if that is the case, I will update again.

Jonghyun’s death hit all of us hard, but for me, I lost more than an idol. I lost a person I admire, that helped pull me from my own dark times. So many people are saying that are surprised he was depressed, but I’ve seen it in his lyrics. There’s that thought of “what if” as if I were able to do anything to help him, a nameless fan of thousands halfway across the world from him. But still, I wonder.

In this holiday season, my thoughts and prayers are with Jonghyun’s family, the members, and anyone whose life was touched by Jonghyun.

You’ve done well, Jonghyun. You’ve worked hard and I’m proud of you. This is not a goodbye, but a painful farewell.