I've been sick. I've been working nonstop. I've been living life.

But they're all excuses. They're not lies. But they're still all excuses.

Truth is, I haven't trusted myself to write. I would write a piece then delete the entire file because I was disgusted with myself.

To be honest, the chapters I've recently put up might not even be as good as the drafts I scrapped months ago.

It's undeniable that my writing skills are getting worse and worse. What worries me is that my writing is usually very in touch with my emotional being. I don't try to sound pretty or fill my pages up with pretty words. I just spew out words from my heart as if I'm digging out pieces of myself and pouring them out - whether they be dirt or treasure - for others to read.

I think that might be why most of my stories are sad. I never intend them to be - they just angle themselves that way. I only have time to write very late at night and I think that's when I feel the saddest. But I find it to be the best time to write - I think tiredness breaks down a lot of my inner walls and allows my emotions to run more smoothly.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been uploading crap lately. I want to say sorry to you as my fellow reader, and I want to say sorry to myself. It kind of hurt to publish my recent chapters, kind of hurt my pride as a writer (the little pride I had anyway). How can you expect others to like your work when the creator herself finds it unworthy?

But I think it was necessary. Writer's block is a serious issue. I have actually given up on a lot of my passions due to a similar reason - I have not touched my piano in ages, I have not played softball in a while, I have not painted or even sketched in so long. All because I wasn't impressed with myself. There is just a point where you don't feel like you're improving no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, you feel like you're even getting worse. And instead of fighting back, you just give up.

I don't want to live my life that way anymore.

My life has become stable now and I want to pursue my passions again. No, I'm not going to be (or even remotely good enough) to become an actual author who publishes novels, but I really do enjoy writing. And I'm not going to give up this time around. Even if I'm producing trash, I'm going to just keep pushing forward and hope I eventually break the curse.

Wow this was much longer than I meant it to be. TLDR; I'm going to update more often. And even if it's "quantity over quality" for a while, I'm going to keep going until the quality improves as well. Until then, please don't give up on me, because I refuse to give up on myself.