「 07. 29. 2017 」

Hey guys!

I feel like a lot of my blogposts (recently, and some deleted) are about me dropping in after long stretches of inactivity to explain what's been going on in my life and I'm really sorry for only giving excuses and complaints... I really am. Today, I was hit with yet another deep urge to write something but my plate is so full I can only hate myself for wanting to shuffle my priorities around. Before falling asleep yesterday night I was reading the 2nd chapter of Room for Six because I missed writing my cutesy Baekhyun and Chanyeol as webtoon writers and I felt so sad because I was angry at myself for not being able dedicate more time to writing. I always say "I have no time," which is true for the most part, but the other part is that even if I do get graced with some free time all I want to do is just lie in my bed and watch something that doesn't require me using my brain. I really have no right to be upset which is what hurts most.

Anyway, this past year has been such an odd blur and I honestly don't know what happened half the time. My first year of college went by all to quickly and all too slowly at the same time, and after heading out to Europe for a 4-week long trip, I came right back to my university to start my summer classes and have been sweating nervously ever since. I'm currently taking two classes, one being organic chemistry (save my poor soul I beg you) and the other, marine mammals. I'm not doing as well in O chem as I wish I was doing and I keep blaming myself for making stupid mistakes which brings down my self-esteem and plurges me into an endless cycle of self-doubt and frustration and then me trying to get up on my feet again. I try not to let my grades affect my mood but sometimes it's really hard to understand that me getting slightly above the 62.8% midterm grade (I you not the midterm average was legit a failing grade) is not a measure of my self-worth. I felt so crappy for the past week but I'm trying really hard to collect myself for the next storm to come. The end of the summer semester is approaching so I have a lab final in 3 days coupled with a presentation for my marine mammals class, plus an organic chemistry final exam (which is worth half my grade yay...), plus a reasearch paper and marine mammals final exam - all in the span of 2 weeks. I'm crushing under the weight of responsibilities of school and my part-time job and it hurts to think my life only gets more hectic and more crazy from here on out. Nonetheless I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things and hope that my efforts will be worth it in the end. I just hope that people who enjoy reading my stories don't think I gave up entirely on writing because it's so hard for me to believe in my writing nowadays. I'm just not confident and I don't feel like the passionate, dedicated, emotionally explosive writer I used to be... That's why I need people to assure me that I'm doing the right thing, that it's okay to write slowly, that it's okay if my writing isnt up to par with what it used to be. It's obvious that I'm not who I used to be in this world but I don't want to fade.

I've just been going through a lot and hope that people will still welcome me when I come back. And I will come back, I promise. Every time someone comments "Can you please update?" a part of me breaks I swear. I'm sorry for making you wait if you're a reader of anything I write. You mean the world to me and I hope you believe in me.

With love,

Heidi