You were this transferee student at school. And in an instant, you managed to develop a liking to my friend. Although, she didn't like you back. She was always mean to you and I think she was too mean to not even awknowledge your feelings. She had this mindset that every guy's feelings aren't genuine and she really didn't like you to be honest.

You always talked to me. About her. Asking about how to get her attention, updates, and all those stuff. I was being completely honest with you. Sometimes mean too cause a bad person is what I got from you as an impression. But you still talked to me. Until I started liking your company. But at the same time I found it slightly uncomfortable. 

Then you became very chivalrous. I got scared. I didn't wanna fall for it. Let's say I'm having the same mindset as my friend's. I know what was coming. But I kept denying it even to myself. So I kept talking to you as I don't see anything wrong with it. We were friends.

One day you asked me if you could call me. I didn't plan on saying yes, though you said you had problems. I couldn't say no to someone like that. Plus, I really like giving out advices and helping out a friend in need. And so you called. You shared your problems, I gave advices, I supported you and made you laugh. Until we exchanged stories, gossiped, and you even complimented me. But then my phone died. It was fun until it lasted.

After that, we always seemed to message each other. I admit, I kinda miss having companies. I missed having someone check up on me. To remind me to go home early. I missed it. So I just went with the flow.

One night, you messaged me and asked if I had high standards in men. I told you not really since I really go for the personality. But then you asked if you had a chance. A chance for me to like you back. I was terribly shocked. But I ended up rejecting you cause I felt like you weren't sincere. That maybe you'll end up hurting me really bad that even I couldn't control it. But I told you, I didn't want you to be awkward with me at school. You were okay then. You were even there at the second day of our sportsfest when in the the first day you didn't. Why? because you said that you will be cheering for me at our volleyball game. You told me that everything will be okay, win or lose.

Then after that, you were gone. You never talked to me again. I tried approaching you, you didn't talk to me. I tried messaging you, you left it there seen. 

Now every single day, I think about you. I think about that confession. Was it real? was it all for fun? are you really playing around with girls? do you perhaps have a little feeling left in there? inside your heart? well now I think I do. But I'm too late, am I? I can't just turn back the time. I can't just come at you and tell you I'm starting to like you. I can't mess up your feelings. But maybe you were messing up mine.

I remember seeing my friends picture at your phone's lockscreen still. It was there from the get go. See? I knew you were messing around. I also remember having a chat with your bestfriend, which was my almost bestfriend. He told me he never heard of you telling things about me. I remember how you told me to not tell anyone about you liking me. Was it because I wasn't the kind of person that someone will be proud of? Cause I'm not pretty enough? skinny enough? well maybe you are a playboy.

I regret the times that I thought about you. I hate the way you made me like this. How could you confess and just leave. Well I actually don't know anymore. I know, I did bad decisions or choices. But. yeah. I don't know what I'm arguing about. What I know is that I need to clean all these feelings away from me.

But how? I fall harder every single day I see you. I even tell myself that I love you, and you sometimes loved me too. Of course it was a delusion. Then suddenly, you became someone who satisfied my ideal types. Or maybe I was just too blind enough to see itat first. Seriously.

I tried mingling with other guys, but all I could think about was having your attention. I hate the way I'm acting like this. This is not me. At all.

I always stalked you, I even saw how great you are as an older brother. Again, I fell harder. Until I saw your Twitter account. I felt like I was dying. As if my heart was being squished by a hydraulic presser. Seems like you're liking someone new.

Maybe we spoke to soon. You, you didn't wait for few more days or weeks. You should've made me fall for you harder. And I, I answered too soon. I am a fool.

I actually don't know what to do with these feelings anymore. Do I hold on to it? do I start making a move on discarding it or something? If yes, how? Will someone even read this long blog entry? Please help.