It's been crazy, and I never thought things would get crazier still.

Sometimes I wish life came with a handbook or a manual of sorts, but I guess you really just learn along the way, and hope you don't screw it up so much you end up hurting other people, damaging your company, losing a lot of yourself, and everything else in between.

Firstly, I can't help but wonder where my country is going. A lot of my work now deals with some international affairs, and the way my government is mucking up almost every single international relation is just making things harder for grunts like me to get on with work. The research that we do, the people who we talk to, a lot of it depends now on the foreign policies and stances, and this government that we have right now is just mucking everything up. It's just downright frustrating. A lot of my co-workers who voted for the sitting President are now regretting their decision, but hey, we're stuck with him for the next six years. And don't get me started with the senators and representatives who are also mucking everything up. Suffice to say that right now, I really don't have much hope for my country if our leaders are mucking everything up that way. Thank God that the grunts below are still keeping their heads down and doing what they can to keep things rolling, despite the muck ups from our elected officials.

Secondly, if things are starting to get frustrating at work, all the more with some aspects of my personal life. Dating is still fine and steady, and I'm really hoping that she's gonna be the one. But I still find myself sometimes feeling drained of motivations and energies and all that. As much as I need to keep on writing and doing stuff at home, I can't. I'm actually afraid if I'm slipping into the first stages of depression for some reason and all that, which I think I am because I am showing more and more symptoms of it. I don't even want to tell her because I don't want to make her worry (and saying it here does give me a sense of anonymity so it's a tad easier). Maybe I'm just being too worn out and I want to get away for a while. She does comfort me from time to time, but when we're not together, that feeling that there's a hole inside is getting more and more prominent.

And here comes the third. I said before that things are indeed looking up at work, but now I find myself going up a tad too fast for my own good. I feel that I'm not yet ready to move up more in the world but my immediate boss is looking at me to take her place soon as she is contemplating on retiring. It's one of those things that I am confident being a sergeant leading a platoon but then high command is giving me a battlefield commission to move me up to lieutenant to take charge of an entire company (and that's at least three platoons). It's scary and I feel I'm not yet ready, especially with dealing with all of the administrative responsibilities that come with it. So on top of my slipping into depression, I also feel I am overwhelmed with the vote of confidence that I am not sure I 100% earned. It's basically like this: I'm the guy right now that can do a lot of things and can get a lot of work done, but really doesn't want to be in the spotlight. Come to think of it, just like Taeyeon when she was struggling as SNSD's leader.

And don't get me started about my fanboying life as well. That thing that happened to Tiffany almost did me in (and all of you who have been following me know how much I love her). Gosh, I was really, really angry at what happened to her I can't even describe it. Thank God SNSD's performance in Busan last weekend brought back a lot of hope. Seeing her smile again and perform on stage and clearly having some fun on stage brought back a lot of hope.

Overall, it's been getting harder and harder to keep my head down and keep focused on what's in front of me, simply because things are getting overwhelming from all sides. I also feel bad not updating my fanfics as much as I planned and as all of you have wanted me to do so. But I am so not gonna break my promise and end it abruptly.

Not to sound like begging and all that, but with so few people to talk to with what I've been keeping inside and having experienced being dismissed and/or judged because of my current dispositions, it's getting pretty hard to manage it. I don't want to end up breaking down and whatnot.