Hi everyone! I have returned from the dead lol! I had seen a lot of comments on my incomplete stories to please come back, and I have been meaning to, but life happens. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned any of my mental illnesses and addiction(now a year sober) in the past or not, but those are the things that got to me and I had a mental break down, actually on the verge of having another, but I’m fixing that. In these past months, I’ve decided to get in shape, by losing weight and building muscle. I am now a weight lifter/power lifter/weight trainer, and I just got into power cleaning, but I love it already. deadlift max 250 right now, it will go up!. I’ve got muscles now you guys! Still got a long way to go, but my muscles are already showing in the 4 months time. So doing that has really helped me stay out of the hospitals and stay somewhat sane. I WILL BE UPDATING STORIES THIS WEEKEND!!! so be on the look out

I ED UP

Alright.. so if any of you read my last blog post, you’d see where I was talking about this boy who is now an ex of mind. Well late June. He and I were talking and the convo came up again. He has been trying to make it with me for 3 years now and I always say uuuuh.. one day when no ones home.. I be lying of course.. well that night I ended up being very aroused which is odd because with my hectic life, I dont even have a want for , but my cousin was staying the night so I said nah, how ever we did end up talking about weight lifting and what we can lift. I, for some reason, wanted to give us another shot, but he was beating around the bush with it, so I just left it alone. I was surprised by that tho because when we were breaking up, he was pissed and didnt want us to end. Fast forward to days later.. I somehow was becoming a lil feen for him and I was like wtf going on? So I hit him up, like a damn fool and said I wanted the D.. after he came home, he jumped in the shower and came over.. we were standing there in the room for a minute, it was awkward.. so I uncomfortably decided to go down. I stopped after taking it in 3 times because thats not something I do. Im biual, so oral on a female is what I prefer, its what I can do. So I asked if we could skip all of that and get, what I thought was going to be a quicky over with. MAAAAAAAAAANE! BRUH! I doubted his game STRONGLY! First I thought it was gonna be 5 minutes but 5 turned into 15. He stoked slow and hit all kinds of spots. He almost came after twice after 3 minutes, but he held it in. I thought it was gonna be a smash and go, but nooooo. He knocked my boot out. The whole entire time, he did not take his eyes off of me. I found that weird. He was looking right I my eyes and I felt.. something.. something strange. With every deep back , I could feel my hips bucking and im like tf you doing body? I was grabbing onto him and holding his arms. Im telling myself to chill but hell my body doing what ever. When he layed on my chest to get his second wind and to go balls deep, I thought he was dead, no lie. I just put my hand in his curls until he got back up. My head hit the wall, the skin smacking got loud af, had to slow it down and his eye contact on me was constant. After he came everywhere, we got up, my leg almost went out, we said our goodbyes and that we may hit each other up again. I told my bff Ive never had it like that before.. I asked her was that ing? She said, naw that was sweet daddy love yall made right there. He had been waiting on that for years, he was gonna do it right. I was dead.. and my stomach hurt for like the next two days

MOTHA A! So its not uncommon for us to go days without speaking, but he kept giving me the shifty eye look and he only does that when I’m pissed with him, but I wasn't. So I'm outside with my cousin, and I see his gf pull up. I was like WTF?? mofoI would have never had with you if I knew you were with her. He’s been trying to be with me since they've been together and he know id never mess with him while they were together, that's why he was beating around the bush about us getting back together because he didn't want me to know they where together again.. well I was like let me not jump in just yet because I know when they weren't together, she was still picking him up and dropping him off. I'm on fb scrolling through the feed and replying to tags and I see a pic of him and her together and she got some sweet caption above it about how he’s her remedy. Boy did I feel bad and Boy was I damn angry. You were taking church photos with her that Sunday, but you were screwing me that Monday. You tried to me the night before y'all prom( which he got mad at me for saying no because I was talking to someone at the time. Like im supposed to stay single for yo ) LIKE WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Hell. Wtf is wrong with me? I didn't know how to feel. I still don't know how to feel. I deleted him from my fb and we don't even talk no more because he knows how I feel. We talked twice since then. Last month and today and he wasn't even a convo, it was an exchange of a few words. On the 4^th of July, his GF was there and his dad invited me over, I said naw, im good. He was like you sure. Mhmm I grand. I suppress feelings, its what I do, I knew having with him would bring them out and he did to because he said that to me a while back, and I ed up doing that. I told my bff I was gonna regret deleting him and cutting myself off from him because we’ve been friends for 10 years. We started out playing basketball in his drive way at ages 7 & 9 and we’ve been friends since. When he and I were becoming a little more than friends, he brought up us playing basketball and that I at it (lies.. kinda). I told her Im gonna miss us just staring at one another until one of us start smiling, making the other smile, but he’s no damn good and I just cant deal with it. I wont. We are both stubborn and wont speak to each other, we only glance at one another and look away. One day, he was staring at me for a very long time to whee my friend and cousin asked me why was he staring so hard. Idk, maybe he was wondering if I knew or if id do it again… no. I ed up here. But.. life goes on. I still feel a bit bad because that girl loves him dearly, but I did not know with all honesty. And Im upset with him and myself. Like daaaaaamn! Why? I want that old thing back.. but its gone.

Just wanted to share that.. yall can probably tell how I feel about it.. mixed feelings.. but life goes on. I’ll just continue to be the beast that I am in the gym, get ready for my sophomore year and leave all that alone.