(I know I should be sleeping right now 'cause it's almost 4 AM here, and my mom will be so pissed if she finds out that I haven't gone to bed yet, but I just had to let this out.)

After checking out a few articles about SHINee and Tae's upcoming "Hit the Stage" competition with other idols, I decided to check one random blog about 2min here in AFF before I hit the sack. I happened to read Kathyia's "2min trash struggles", and after that, I opted to write a little something similar to what she wrote, but has been lingering in my mind a few months after I joined AFF. So I'm writing now with half a brain because I'm sleepy af (forgive any typos or grammar errors, please), but I need to do this for myself and for other people who share the same sentiments as I.

It really breaks my heart whenever an author or a fellow reader decides to deactivate his or her account and/or leave the community for good. This feeling started when ichigo-sama (one of my all-time favorite authors) decided to close her account because of reasons I cannot remember anymore. When I read her blog, I felt too heart broken...I don't know. Up until this day, I cannot concretely define that feeling, but I know I wasn't happy at all. I had read other fanfics before I discovered her works, and when I did find her stories, I had found inspiration in them, and I looked up to her because she was amazing with the way she delivered her stories through her words, and I couldn't even describe how happy I was when I read them. But I didn't think that day would come... I was very grateful that she left us a parting gift of a document containing all her fics, but it wouldn't be the same. I respect her decision, but I couldn't stop what I felt, and I can't stop it even now.

Then kayamalie came next, then tresfuch, and a few others more, and after I read in kathyia's post that aertiah deactivated her account, I just sat there blankly and let the whole thing sink in. I didn't want to believe it at first, thinking that maybe she deactivated her account, but decided to open it again. Wishful thinking.

I thought that was the last straw. I had to let this out lest I let it out on a person who won't even understand me and will think of me as a lunatic.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this right now. Honestly, I feel a bit pathetic because I'm considering this as a huge thing, though I don't want it to be. And I also don't know why, but I'm blaming myself. I'm blaming myself for not commenting more often than I used to, for not managing my time well (balancing work and play, that is), for wasting my time, for putting off reading some works because I thought they'd be there forever (but damn was I wrong), and a bunch of other stuff. Please don't get me wrong; like I said, I COMPLETELY RESPECT WHATEVER DECISION THEY MADE AND REASON THEY HAD, but I just can't control my feelings, apparently.

And this doesn't just occur when people deactivate their accounts. It also happens when people fall out of the fandom, too. I can't, and absolutely won't force people for stay in the 2min ship forever (because that's just crazy), but I can't help feeling sad. I think I mentioned somewhere before that I don't have friends here who I can share this secret liking I have to 2min ('cause they aren't that open to that yet); that's why I always take the time to at least visit here for a few minutes to escape from this stifling reality and just relax and feel all giddy reading 2min and sharing 2min with others ( XD ). But when you see people leaving... I don't know, I guess, the circle gets smaller and you have fewer people to share things with. And somehow, it gets lonelier.

Ever since ichigo-sama's departure from the community, I've told myself to cherish every moment here and in real life, so no more regrets happen. But it seems I haven't built up a wall sturdy enough to shield myself from those unwanted emotions. Everytime I read a good fic, I pray that I may have time enough to ask permission from the authors to let me copy their stories in my computer, and then actually copy them if they allow me to. But that's just it: I never have time. Or when I have time, I waste it away.

So I guess I really can't control everything-- people leaving, my emotions, my damn habit of procrastinating. And I know that as I end this well-needed purge, there are still things I can't define and things I can't solve right away. But with this blog, I guess it's a start.

To all my friends out there, I'm sorry for not greeting you as much as I used to.

To all the authors out there whom I've read your stories and I haven't commented, I'm sorry for not telling you how much I appreciate your effort in writing your heart and soul into words.

To all the people out there who are reading my blog right now, thank you. And sorry if I made any of you depressed or anything. I never meant to do that. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here.

Thank you for your time. My bed is calling for me lol :) 

Have a good night/day.

(as authors call it, unbeta-ed.)

-shinee02 ♥