2.21 a.m, 12th March 2016

where do i start? is it when i started to freak out when my age reached 18 this year? or is it when i can drive the car legally with my friends while listening to our favorite band's music? maybe on the day the reality hit me so hard when i took my results? probably just when i am at the verge of breaking down while filling in the form for my university entrance?

18. yeah, i have come to the age of the beginning of adulthood. it does not only comes in the two-digit numbers. it comes with responsibilities, body growth, maturity and upgraded mental strength. "i have come this far" i said to myself, each passing day to remind myself that i am growing up to become a lot mature person. i am not a grown up, yet. a lost-in-confusion, immature young adult, still. i have long way to go, a rocky path to walk through, a long, exhausting journey ahead me. it's like going through a tunnel that i could barely see the light to tell how far is the end of the tunnel. and to make the matter worse, i am all alone along the journey. no guidance, no company, just me seeking my way out in the darkness. 

that's probably the closest i could get to describe the situation i am facing right now. "other people had it worst" but i could not refrain myself from being weak over my own pitiful self. if only people would stop being so sceptical, if only people did not have expectations, if only people does not set the standard up so high that i couldn't even see myself passing the bar, if only people could realise how much they worth and there is always faith and hope, if only people could practice being selfless and the term bias had never exists. the probability of those that i said would probably come close to none. which is why the statement 'if & only if' existed in mathematics. there are such probabilities out there, but we failed to see and try to make it something true and worth trying. why? humans are greedy. their greed is incomparable to anything even when The Creator demands us to be grateful, we go against Him. they expect something that God forbid ever to happen and not bother trying to make the world a better place. in the end, we gain nothing but failure.

i realised that being old as the time flies is not as great as what my 10 years old had thought. i am afraid that even one single step i am going to take will affect my future. i feared regrets that will come to me when i make a wrong decision. one of the day on my sleepless nights, i would constantly wonder how will my future comes out to be? am i going to be successful and make my dear people proud? or am i going fail and become worthless? what will happen if i choose to chase my dream and take dangerous risks? perhaps it would be better if i just go down the safe path and be careful so that i won't get myself killed? i would say that i need a '101 guide to face the age 18' by now.

needless to say, 18 is a crucial age for me and i believe for most of us out there, too. the age where we have to make our own decisions by ourselves. the age where we could only see black and white when there is always shades grey in between. there is always a rainbow after a rainy day. i hope that i can overcome all these troubles and worries written all over me. perhaps when i am all grown up, i would smile reading this again knowing that i had make it through all of the horrendous days that had came to me.

until the day comes, i won't stop trying. have faith and be strong.