Isn't it amazing how our hearts can get attached onto someone's heart for a very long time? Eventhough it could mean getting your own heart broken from clinging for so long.

I've always wanted to let him go. To stop him. To yell at him. To tell him that I don't need him anymore. That I don't want to feel his breath around me. That I don't want to even see his shadow near me. That I don't want to listen to his voice when he talks or laughs from 5-feet away. That I wanted to hate him.

But the other part of me wanted him to stay. Wanted him to always be around me. Wanted him to sing his favorite songs off-key. Wanted him to always entertain me with his lame jokes. Wanted him to always pay his full attention on me. Wanted him to give me his jacket when it's cold. Wanted him to always give me that warm smile of his. Wanted him to love me.

It's always hard to be in dilemma. Letting go or holding on? Both choices are always open. The doors are ready. All that you need is to just step forward and reach the right knob that you're confident with. 

But I could never get my mind at it. At times, I wanted to keep him rather than letting him go. And on other times, I wanted to push him down into the alley of hatred so that I won't have to deal with him anymore.

I love him, oh God, how I love him. I loved him too much to hate him. I cared for him a lot for me to ignore him. Is it wrong, sinfully wrong for me to be in love with him? Somehow, my heart isn't at peace whenever I had him on my mind. And I really wanted to sweep it all away but it feels like it has been stucked on my mind forever. Sealed and glued tightly.

I wanted to live, to trust, to love, again.

In another life, let's lie down on the field of grass and watch how the clouds march on the alluring blue sky. Let's grab coffees at midnight and go on long trips till dawn. Let's run in the midst of darkness together with the cool wind slap us softly. Let's stay up late while talking about futures and plans for our life with blankets drapped around. Let's just do everything, together.