Wounds heal, but the deeper the wound is, the more visible the scar it will leave...

I tried to deny it for a long time. I tried to make myself believe that the time will come when I look back and see it as a distant memory. But I was wrong.

I now realized my fears. I'm afraid. Afraid of opening videos that date back during MAMA era, Wolf era, Growl era, MID era and most especially vids taken during Overdose era. I'm so afraid of them. Afraid of opening them and seeing the familiar smiles that I thought would remain on their faces forever. Afraid of seeing Kris care for each of s. Afraid of seeing Luhan teasing everyone and being sweet to everyone at the same time. Afraid of seeing Tao being a maknae to everyone. Afraid of seeing Lay being so relaxed and carefree around everyone.

I am so afraid of seeing them being so sweet and concerned about each member. Why? Because reality will come crushing to me in a split second that these... these events is nothing but a distant memory now. Memory that might've haunted my boys since the day that the first petal fell on the ground and decided to be a new flower of his own. Memories that might've brought them pain every time they will remember it.

You know what's more painful? It's the daydreaming whenever I will see new videos of them and unconsciously thinks "What if Kris was here?" or "What would Luhan do if he was here?" or "How would Tao react if he was here?" and the "Will it be less burdensome on Lay if theye were here?" A thousand "What if"s appear in my mind, like "If Kris didn't leave, will it be Luhan who will first leave or he won't think of leaving at all?" or "If only Tao didn't joing LOTJ and got that injury, will he stay?" I know I'm doing nothing but bring self-inflicted pain but I can't help it. I fell in love with 12 boys, each with a unique character and a unique roll in the group. I loved them through their smiles and idiocy, through their whines and tears, through their laughs and shouts. 

The pain of hearing 11 voices when it should've been 12. The pain of seeing EXO-M breakdown but doing their best to hide it. The Overdose choreography that made it obvious that one person was missing. Then the torture of hearing 10 voices just when you got used to 11. The way I'm avoiding watching any OT10 Overdose stage because a certain part in the choreography where EXO-K and EXO-M will line up and the EXO-M line up is Kris-Xiumin-Luhan, then will be changed to Luhan-Xiumin-Kris. Do you know how painful it is to see Xiumin holding his position like that. Because I think that whenever they perform it like this, he's the one fully realizing that two of the people he was with is not by his side anymore. Then I felt numb all over when 10 became 9. I hoped. Believed. That 2 heartbreaks will be the end of it.

I know Lay didn't leave. And I'm giving him my complete trust that he will never do so in the future. But it still pains me to see OT8 pictures, videos and performances. I know he's busy and it couldn't be helped but it pains my heart to see that he's not with the rest of the group. I know he enjoys performing and that the rest of the group also want him on stage with them and that's why it's more painful like this.

Then I'm back to my what ifs. If EXO-M is still complete now, will the six of them be in China and EXO-K in Korea? Will it work like this? Them promoting separately as sub-units but at least still with the rest of the members? Like Kris taking up a movie role, and Luhan in a variety show, Tao in a drama, Lay as an MC, Xiumin in a webdrama, Chen singing an OST. Will it be like this? Individual activities, but at least the six of them are together in China. 

I know it's useless thinking like this when I know that I will never get the chance to see if it will be true because the reality is that 3 members are now walking a different path, 1 member is promoting in China alone while the other 8 remains in Korea and promotes there. This is the truth.

It's painful.

Please don't be mad at me. I want to tell you that it also pains me to be this honest with myself because frankly I tried to deny it for so long that OT12, OT11, OT10, OT9 and OT8 photos and videos give me this much heartache.