“ i dont know what to write”

I think it was the most often phrase I use to start my blogs. Well honestly, i really cant understand myself every single time im having problems and the only thing i can do to at least understand half of whats going on my mind is when i pour whatever i feel through this white blank virtual paper. It does help a bit but it doesnt lessen the anxiety.

So the main point why im writing this is, there’s this girl who made me realize a lot of things. I dont even need to write on a same virtual paper to understand myself this time because she understands me more than I could. I’ve been so insecure for a lot of freaking times, i got worried for not being enough, for being insignificant. I’m trying to change that because the’re this girl who managed to see whats beautiful in me behind those hundreds of flaws. I like her. Or maybe love, but love is just too complicated so i chose not to say that for now. I hurt her because of unconsciously building walls around myself while she tried so hard to break hers expecting me to do the same, but i didnt. nothings worst than hurting someone you like. You  promised to protect her from everything that might hurt her, but you couldnt even protect her from yourself. I had done a lot of things, a lot of efforts, given her a lot of gifts, a lot of cheerful words to make her happy. Those werent enough, i just realized that it wasnt enough. I kept on doing those things because i thought it would make her stay and when she said all those things with me....it hit me that i wasnt even close to trying. It hurts so bad, god knows how i got hurt so bad by my own actions. I cried for hours until my eyes hurt until i fell asleep then i woke up again with same feeling of wanting to curse myself for not realizing it sooner. For letting people down all the time. Past memories immediately popped on my head. Is that why people leave me? Because i keep on shutting them out? I asked for 2 months to fix myself. Day 1 without her is about to pass and i feel like i cant do it anymore and i miss her so much already. I like her so bad. She didnt believe it when i said i like her, and thats fine, i dont mind. I cant blame her for not believing. It’s gonna be so hard to not talk to her for 2 months but i know it’s for the better. I can prove how much i like her and by that time, she’s going to believe me. I dont want to lose her and im ready to do anything just not to. She makes me feel a lot of things that no one could ever done before. When everything goes wrong being with her is the only thing that seems right. My life has become so much better ever since she came. She doesnt have any idea what thoughts are running on my mind everytime we’re together, but it’s all about her and her perfect imperfections that made me fall in love with her and i want her to feel that.

im writing this because i want everyone who reads this  to know that im so in love with this girl, but i ing fail when it comes to showing it. I want everyone's opinions regarding this.I want everyone to know that yup, theres someone like me who damaged herself enough to even open up herself  to people, the damage was so big that even if she tries to break every single walls around her, she couldnt, she craves for someone who will help her to break it up someday.Theres someone like me who doesnt know how to love herself and that leads her to the difficulty of showing her love to others. We only hurt others because we dont know how to love ourselves. Soooooo i gave myself 2 months from now on, im going to love myself so that others will be able to accept my love.