My Story. 

My way to miracles.

Today some thoughts came through my mind. Without real reasons. Maybe it was because of the fall coming soon that remind me constantly of those moments. Since the last years cold seasons always remind me of one thing in particular and I wanted to share it all with you guys. This is isn’t pretty so you are not forced to read and stay. I won’t deny that the truth is rarely pretty and sometimes covering it all with lies is just so much easier.

This isn’t pretty , but it’s my story.

3 years earlier I started my last year of high school. I was 16 and was a normal girl with a painful background. As things at school slowly started to be out of control , I ended up being terribly bad. I changed. A lot. From the innocent girl , I changed into a girl who wanted to please. I wanted boys to think I was pretty , I wanted to have a boyfriend and it even became more important than my studies.

I met someone around the month of October and we started dating without really knowing who we were. He wanted me as a trophee and I wanted him for being loved. My dad never told me those three words. He was always too busy with his own stuff. His music , his love affairs and so on. I always thought he never really wanted children. My sister and I grew up living a real hell when my mom found out his real game. I never had a chance to  have a man who loved me for me. Maybe if my dad did what he had to do , I never would have turned out this way but I guess I’ll never know.

To come back to this point, I dated this guy for a really short time before we both realized we weren’t meant for each other. I started to ask myself questions after the break up. Was I pretty enough? Was I too fat? Would guys love me more if I was ier ? I decided to make a change and see if I could get better result with a different body. Little did I know , I started the most terrific vicious circle in the world.

I stopped eating bread at first. I quikly lost a lot of weight. From 125 pounds , I dropped to 110 in less than a month. Then I felt like it wasn’t enough. I started to stop eating anything over 200 calories. I dropped to 108 in less than 3 days. Than I realised I wanted more. I wanted to be skinnier.

I started what I called the “ Ice tea “ diet. I only drank Ice Tea. Three times a day. That was it. When I felt like falling , I ate a salad but that was it. I even once , in the middle of November, succeeded to spend a whole week without eating. That was my way to punish myself  for not being pretty enough. For not deserving the love of any guy. Not even the one of my own father.

When the snow of December arrived I was barely weighing more than 90 pounds for 5 foot 6’ . I probably went even lower than this point but I didn’t weighted myself really often.

You know what they say ? One thing never comes alone. They are right. Whoever they are , they are right. December 2012 happened to be the worst month of my whole life. And believe me , I seen a lot. As I was loosing weight , I loose sanity. I wanted to go. Away from my life. The cold of December was piercing threw my bones and I wished for the cold wind to bring me with him all along every night. I tried to disappear two times during a lapse of 2 weeks. I hopefully failed but I had enough. My own person was a shame to bear to school everyday. I was ashamed of who I was. The girl I was in the mirror was now just a stranger. I was not even close to be a girl.

On December 13 , hell came back to earth for me. My dog , Nanook , a 9 years old Labrador , started to feel really bad. She was sick for some time at this point but she always tried to carry on for us. She knew we needed her , that I needed her. But soon enough , everyone has their limits.

During that night she fought for her life with what I learned soon after to be a really big tumor. The morning of the December 14 , I went to school with this bad intuation that , if I didn’t came back I would never see her again. When I got back , I realized I was right to think so.

Everything happened so fast. The movies you saw as a kid? They are just lies. I came back and she had to be taken to the emergency of the nearest clinic. That night we had to take the worst decision ever.

She had no chance. Life was against her. She would have to go through an operation that would take away one of her legs and , even in this case , she would have suffered terribly and have a 50% of having another cancer. All of that was if , only , she made it through that night.

We didn’t really had the choice to be honest. She was suffering and it was breaking us. At 9:47 pm exactly , she left us. We ended her suffering hell here and let her go where she belonged. That happened to be the worst day of my whole life. Some of you may say she was only a dog. You are right. In fact , she was one. But for me she was more than that. I grew up in a rather poor household. I was a nerd that was heavily bullied at school. I didn’t had many friends. But she was there. When I was crying because my parents were fighting all night long , she was there to dry my tears. Like if she was trying to make me understand that something better was yet to come.

She was my little angel and now she was gone. Like that , in one single injection. The life wasn’t there anymore. Her loving kisses became a cold body that was lifeless. I was the last one to leave the room that night. I left her my Harry Potter cover she loved so much. I wanted her to have a little something of me as she would go to the other side.

That night , as the house felt more empty than ever , I watched outside the window all night long. The snow was falling heavily. I don’t know how long I stayed like that. Maybe I hope for her to get home. She knew the way back home. She knew it. I hope to see the marks of her paws into the snow but was left deceived ever since.

The lost of a pet is never easy. It’s hard everyday and everything in my life became hard after that moment. I was in a deep depression but I understood some things soon after.

It took me a month to be a bit more normal at school. My friends , trying to cheer me up , tried to found out my type of guy. As they were teasing me about the most handsome hockey player of the class , I realised I actually find him cute. He was tall , well build and really handsome. He seemed so cocky and was really popular.

Soon enough , I found myself dreaming about him. Maybe I was trying to hook myself to something to continue. I didn’t wanted to end my life anymore. I wanted to fight for something and I decided it would be him. Over the months , my crush became stronger.

The biggest surprise arrived in the month of April. I was working on a project with my friends when I received a message on Facebook. It was him. I was crazy. How come a guy like him came to talk with a girl like me? It wasn’t true. It cannot be.

We talked and at the end of that very same day , he gave me his number. I texted him the next day.

It took us nearly a month of frequentation , where we talked to each other all the time. Every day from 8 am to 1 am the next morning, before we started officially dating.

I know some of you might think why I decided to write this. The reason is simple. I wanted to show you guys something.

Life isn’t always easy. We don’t always start with the best starter pack. It’s up to us to change it all. You probably wonder what happened after right?

Well, I decided to become healthier soon after. For him. I wanted him to have a bit more than bones to kiss and hug. He only found me more beautiful. By the time you read this , I am back to 125 and I am a healthy and sportive girl.

I am still with my boyfriend. We have been happy together for the past 2 years and a half. Happy engaged since December 24 ( I secretly believe he chose the month of December to make me think of something happy as I remember the cold of the initial pain. )  I found in him the man I never knew. The father I never had as he always take care of me whenever I need love and cheers. I found the best friend I never had as we are always laughing and spending great time together . I found the lover I searched through so many partners. He loves me and I love him and that’s all that really matter in the end. He healed me. He helped me to be who I am today.

He now cheer me with my plans. He is always my number one fan when I decide to write a new story. He understands my passion for Korean culture. He never let me starve anymore and he always play along when I call him little nicknames. I have won the lottery.

The thing I want you to understand there is that hard times happens to everyone. I won’t ever forget the pain I once lived. I simply learned from it. Starving won’t ever make you more beautiful. Real men loves some meat on the bones. It sounds cliché but it’s true.  Trying to commit suicide isn’t the solution either. If I did succeed , I would never have met him. I would never have written my story and tried to tell you this message. I’ll never forget Nanook. Forever she will remains my little angel but I am now less hurt and more grateful. She was suffering so much and she endured it through the years. She handled it until the end of her capacities. But I understand now, she waited until I was nearly a couple of months from knowing the man of my life. She left only once she felt like the role she had would be taken by someone else and I am infinitely tahnful to her for that.

Now , for all of you that may suffer from familial issues , depression , anorexia or simply the lost of someone or a pet , remember there is always a way out. It might be the stories you write , the friends you have or the love you’ll find in the future but don’t ever give up.

Life is too beautiful to be wasted. To all of you who were left as nobodies , who weren’t seen because they were not socially accepted, I want you to know something. You are beautiful. You are meaningful. You were born for a reason. There is always one , you just need to find it.

I am sorry for this long story but I wanted to share it all with you guys. I hope some of you will learn some lesson from that. My story is only one in a million. I decided to write it. To make it known. What are you going to do with yours?

Laulau95 

Rip Nanook.