I'm putting my hormones partially to blame... 

And my lecturers... 

And my course...

And my group mates...

And my housemates... 

And my friends...

And my family...

And of course, the main contributor and real reason for my elevating stress levels: ME, MYSELF, and I. 

The reason why I'm blaming such parties for this current frenzied state I'm in? 

Hormones: It's nearing my time of the month I guess... it should be a month soon. My cycle isn't that consistent. And somehow band music and rock songs seems to do the trick with these emotions I'm wallowing in every night. 

Lecturers: Last Thursday, I ran into quite some trouble with a few lecturers. Being the goody-two-shoes that I am, I hate to be on anybody's hate list. I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't be. It's just this fear of being detested... I can't explain it that well. But yeah... somehow, a few misunderstandings, miscommunications and mishandling of situations led me to earn some bad reps with 4 lecturers... out of 12. I feel like jumping off a cliff already for that... 

Course: Another reason why I'm halfway dying with my horrible sleeping hours is my course. Currently, assignments have been piling and the state of cluelessness I'm in doesn't help me calm down, what with the due dates nearing. I know... I'm complete, utter, trash. 

Groupmates: I honestly don't get some of them... because all they do is sleep and wish classes don't happen. Yeah, I wish that too... but you don't see me skipping classes and assuming there isn't any when there's no news of some sort announced in the group chat. And out of all this, I'm the one that has to feel like crap while everyone just enjoys their ignorance in sacrilegious bliss? What the hell people... Earn your attendance by actually ing attending and not asking someone else to sign your attendance for you. Then again... one of them's a genius absent or not, but it doesn't mean you can trick your way into passing like that. Geez... 

Housemates: I don't know... I can be pretty messy myself. But leaving leaving food remnants and a clogged up sink overnight with your dirty dishes in it is disgusting, don't you think so? Okay, I'll forgive the trash bin filled to the brim. But at least the sink... please... oh my God. I don't think here's the right place to talk about the bathroom too. Ironically, we're a house full of girls with chances of getting married soon - excluding me for some reason since I'm the only single one among these 8 ppl. 

Friends: I'm seriously confused... Like really, really confused sometimes, with how some of them think. I don't know if what I'm doing is making me droop down to their level but I don't get how they say really, really nice things, complimenting some of their friends but then talk about it later like what they wore or did or said was the most heinous thing ever done on the surface of the planet. 

There was this one time I saw a friend who wore something a little out of the ordinary and everyone was just praising her while I was at the side looking so confused because I thought we were gonna think the same thing. I thought it was a little off so I would've helped but everyone went around saying positive things... I didn't wanna come off as the bad guy. 

 (literally me at the time) 

But then few weeks later came and everything just poured out and when I knew that they all thought the same thing as I did and it was just so... strange for me. 

I don't really speak out what I think. Instead, I show it in my expressions... which is just as bad because it can also be insulting... I know, I need to practice my poker face more. But this is the problem I constantly face as I hang around them. And honestly, I can't find myself to be truly myself around them because the judging game in this clique is strong and I am terrified of how I might be perceived in their eyes. 

Family: Ah... family. They shouldn't be as bad as the factors I listed before, right? ...um. I guess not so bad. I laugh more with my family more than I do my friends. Of course, that's when I get back from college. Two days in and already it's mouth wars and consoling and tears and tense nights and so much more. Drama~ 

[last and most certainly LEAST]

ME: I'm a whiny brat. I'm a spolied kid. I don't know... I'm... I'm being overly sensitive. I can't take hits very well. I can't handle pressure. I hate it when I half- something. I hate it when I don't come out well. But I still half- everything... which is the stupid part. I told myself at the beginning of the semester that I'd study harder. I wouldn't miss a beat. I'd study every night. I'd do my notes. I'd be diligent. I wouldn't be left behind. I'd finally score my tests!! I won't be shy anymore and I won't be a complete gherkin! ...everything changed when the fire nation attack-- okay, no. Everything changed when I changed up my schedule and ended up reading a book instead of studying. It ruptured all of my plans and from then on I sort of could not get back my flow of studying and making short notes because I was a lazy as expected.

Studying... has never been something I was good at. Especially the reading subjects and boy do I have trouble with them. I actually do feel pathetic that despite being 19 and already in my third semester, I haven't got a clue on how to study and actually get my head to wrap around the subjects and miraculously these past few semesters I've been fortunate enough to pass. This semester... I am not so confident I can pass with such ease. I really don't know why I haven't figured it all out yet by now. Finals are a month away... and I am here... writing out a blog. 

Because I haven't written anything proper in what feels like... decades... when really it's just been a few weeks. But I've been feeling so pressured lately. Especially by those lecturers and assignments. I haven't got any life or motivation to do anything. There's nothing to look forward to and my friends too aren't helping me with that.

Oh well...

Tonight... I plan for failure. As I've failed to plan out my assignments earlier. 

sorry for the tl;dr post guys.