Isn't it painful when someone you respect made fun of you?

Have you ever been punished verbally? 

It hurts right when the person you love most, made fun of you. Comparing you to some other intelligent kid that happens to be your classmate? Being compared, like groceries. Although it's not obvious, but you could sense that tiny little feeling. Even for a glimpse, it's there. Overtime, it became a weigh and burdened your heart. Your feelings mourn for answer and also your soul. Your brain was confused, no memory or data could it process. No answer. Nothing.

Leaving your feelings hanging. Your body need to face the consequences. Tired, lost of appetite and worst, no hope of living. These three thoughts always flew in my mind. But the third one just barely. I wonder what is happening to me. Am I breaking apart? Am I broken? Am I useless? Am I too stupid to be your daughter? I don't have any good traits? 

I always wonder... You never seem proud in anything that I did. Or is it just me, over-thinking? I mean, it's quite obvious as I grew older. I went home one day, and excitedly told you that I was selected as one of the students' council committe. The youngest one of all. But you don't give me much respond. Asking few things and OBVIOUSLY you don't look proud. 

I even asked you, "Don't you feel proud of me?" 

"What to be proud of? You're always doing good. By the way, won't all these extra curricular things would disturb with your study?" 

I am at loss to begin with. You don't know how shattered my heart is when you spoke those words. Also, seems like my intelligent classmate had piqued your attention. She's a great kid. Skipping schools for many days but still listed as top 3 in class and whole batch. I can't say anything though. She studies like hell! And I just can't be like her! I mean, I- I odn't know. 

But you always gave me this look! I can't take it! Although I knew that you may not say what I'm writing right now, but I can't help it to feel like this! What can I do? So many things weighing down on me. I'm just a growing teenager! Am not yet entering the adulthood! I hate this kind of feeling! I hate this! I hatethatt!

I want to rebel! But I can't! Why? Coz I'm pathetic and weak! I just sat down and endure everything although it cracked me here and there. I was not perfect like before. I can't believe it I never told you about the biggest crisis in my life. Just because you're too emotional and I'm afraid you would scold me like there's no tomorrow. I can't believe it I need to go through all that with just my 3 other aquaintences. 

And I just believe that I can't trust people like the past. I had lost all my sense of getting friends. All those feeling of having a friend would never be in me anymore. I don't need a friend or anyone. I guess. I just need aquaintence in order for me to survive. I just want to survive. No more. One day, I might consider cutting my wrist open or emptying a big bottle of sleeping pill. I MIGHT, consider them.