This is merely my interpretation of/intentions behind what I've written in Chapter Four of One Last Night.

Do note that stories are always open to interpretation by readers and your reading may differ from mine. I've provided this because it was asked to me as a question and it created a really yummy moment for me because there were really so many layers of meaning (I felt) that was in the titular quote and so many emotions I felt as I wrote the chapter. Even though I knew what the characters felt in the story and what I meant, I had to sit down and phrase what I felt carefully. Human emotions are complex. Writing this was theuraputic. 

The question: Why did Taeyeon say to Tiffany, "I don't want to fall in love with you again." What does she mean? Has she fallen out of love with Tiffany, or did she love Tiffany all along?

To me, Taeyeon has loved Tiffany all along, and still loves her, both consciously and unconsciously.

It is important to understand that her statement, comes from her rather broken state of mind, stemming from a broken heart. Taeyeon's speech is not improving and her emotional state is in a complete mess due to her Alexithymia. She is afraid. Alone. The only person she wants to be with in the world , the only person she trusts and gives her strength, is Tiffany. But she can't be with her. Taeyeon is overwhelmed with the pain of pushing Tiffany away even though she loves her, wants to be with her, and needs her support as she struggles with her condition. On another level, Taeyeon is also burdened with the knowledge that Tiffany would be in a lot of pain and crying because of her actions, which in Taeyeon's vulnerable times may seem selfish (as she is making the decision for the both of them without Tiffany's approval.) But she has to swallow that down too, for the sake of protecting Tiffany from a hard life (and even more suffering ahead) if Tiffany were to stick with her to the end. In a way, Taeyeon could be said to pity herself for her current condition, and hate herself for what she was doing. Taeyeon is scared, uncertain, and barely keeping herself together.

As the title of the chapter states, Tiffany is not easy to forget. Taeyeon couldn't help but to want to see Tiffany for one last time, but it was a mistake, as seeing Tiffany rekindled the fire that she had been trying so hard to snuff out. She tries hard to believe in her own lie: to forget that she loves Tiffany, pretend that she doesn't love her to the point where it starts to become real, because it is too hard to push her away otherwise. Taeyeon does manage to dull her feelings for Tiffany with the help of her psychiatric condition, allowing her to create a disconnect as she indulges herself in paintings and nature for periods of time. However, her condition comes as a double-edged sword as well: Taeyeon forgets why was hurting so badly in the first place at times. Between her mood swings, to an extent, Taeyeon is unable to connect her hurt to the loss of Tiffany and she begins to search for the reason behind her pain, only to find the missing link and bring back the pain which she is trying so hard to forget. A cycle of tearing her heart apart and sewing it back together. A temporary break from what she truly feels.

In the final scene, when Tiffany hugs Taeyeon and refuses to let go (a scene which mirrors the first night Tiffany spends with Taeyeon in DWTF in some way, if you're a close reader), Taeyeon begs for Tiffany to let her go because her hug reminds Taeyeon that despite everything that she has done, all the walls that she has built up, she could never mask nor get rid of the hurt that she felt when she was away from Tiffany. Being there, at that moment, in Tiffany's arms, brings Taeyeon the sense of security, of safety, of love, and of home that she has been looking for and she breaks down because once again, she is in a catch-22 of pain where she could suffer alone or (in her own beliefs) open herself to tiffany and risk hurting her as well. She feels vulnerable and is at a lost because she really wants to let everything go and fall into Tiffany's arms but she can't. However...

When Taeyeon says that she doesn't want to fall in love with Tiffany again, it does not mean that she has fallen out of love with Tiffany prior to that. In contrast, at that moment, through all the pain, and in spite of being reminded of her struggle, Taeyeon realizes that she is still deeply in love with Tiffany. She realizes that no matter how hard she tries to stop loving Tiffany, she cannot forget her, and she has never stopped loving her.  Taeyeon says the words even though she doesn't even believe in them, almost as a last-ditch attempt to push Tiffany away, where deep in her heart she knew that she had already lost.  It's a cry of surrender as she finally surrenders herself to Tiffany's love and stops fighting her embrace. Taeyeon cries at her revelation not because she hates it, nor because she's afraid of the pain that will follow (although to some extent, she is still afraid), but because she finally lets go of her struggle.The final breath of "I don't want to fall in love with you again", before Taeyeon opened her heart up to Tiffany and allowed herself to love and be loved again.

I hope this clarifies, rather than confuddles:p It was a joy to write this. Even though it's like 0030 now and my mind's all woozy. As mentioned above, this is merely my interpretation of it and I hope it will add something meaningful to your understanding of DWTF and OLN. My brain is shutting down already so I'll leave it here for now. I'll edit it and add anything else that comes to my mind in the next time.

Fun fact: I've planned for "extra notes and fun facts" since... midway through writing DWTF? Not a personal interpretation like the one above, but like a factbook for DWTF. For example, do you know how old Liesel is supposed to be in DWTF? Yeah, stuff like that and more. Do let me know if you would like a factbook, or more personal sharings on the chapters like these, and I'll be happy to share my thoughts with all of you.

Do leave your comments/interpretations in the comment box of One Last Night as well. I'm excited to see what you all felt about the latest chapter. 

WIth love.

koofs