A letter of thanks and goodbyes.

I have decided to close my aff-twitter account (@babykoofs) and my asianfanfics account (dragonsplantnotrees) as of 281015.

I’ve actually written several personal message drafts before with my thoughts on aff, and what I would like to do, but I’ve decided to write from scratch here because I just wanted to express what I’m feeling at the moment.

Hey. Hi. My name is koofs. I’ve been a writer on AFF since March 22 2015, and it’s been 7 beautiful months since then. I started off as YAHkoofs, and I’ve been bluelovepink and endlessheartofkoofs before finally, dragonsplantnotrees.

I can’t even describe how much it hurts to have to give this up.

I’m going through such a difficult period in my life right now, and I just have nothing left. My writing has been on a downslope for the longest time, and I’ve only been able to write chapters of decent quality with rare happiness. It’s come to a point, where I just… have nothing left to give anymore. I have so much I want to say and I want to create so much more happy things, but I just can’t write what I want to say. I can’t express myself in the way which I want to. I can’t share my heart with you like I used to anymore– I don’t know how to put it and this frustrates me so much.

You don’t deserve my emotional tantrums. You don’t deserve my subpar writing, and my disappointment whenever I can’t meet my expectations. And I don’t deserve this either. I need to stop hurting myself with my inadequacy and disappointments. I used to write because of my love of my stories and characters I’ve created, but it seems like I’ve just gotten tired, and lost along the way. I thought that if I was good enough, people would notice me and my writing, and maybe I could find friends online. That if I put in the effort, maybe people would want to talk to me more. I was wrong. Friendships don’t work that way, and I’ve learnt my lesson from that.

“You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you and drinks wine with you. You don't love the crazy, sullen ” (Looking For Alaska, John Green)

Somewhere deep down, I hope that I will come back someday, but then again, I really don't know.

But that’s that, and I think it’ll be better if I spent the rest of this on happier things.

I can’t describe what my aff experience has done for me. How much love you all have given me when I needed it. How it has been a pillar of strength when I’ve been struggling in my loneliness and depression. AFF has brought so much happiness and happy-sadness into my life, and it’s something I will never forget.

From all of you who gave me strength when I was still starting out as an author, to all of you who have subscribed and kept up with my fics. From those who have upvoted, and left heartwarming comments on my fics, those those who have been passionate about my fics even outside of aff, and have talked to me on twitter and ask.fm.

So many, so many people I would like to thank, so many amazing people which I have met. I don’t want to mention individual names because I think that it will be unfair if I missed out anyone and because I love you all and you all matter to me so much.

Thank you all for what you have done for me.

Thank you for making my efforts worth it.

Thank you for giving my writing meaning.

Thank you for making it matter.

I’ve shared parts of my heart and my soul with all of you, and I hope that it has touched you all in the kindest of ways.

I hope that you will never forget me.

I guess it’s sort of a custom to leave something as a parting gift. I originally planned to post one of my unpublished drafts, but have decided to do something different instead.

I have two gifts. The first being the lyrics of Into The New World I’ve arranged a little for you all. It’s kind of sad and happy at the same time, and those are the things I love most.

Take heart

For I am with you

I will never let you go.

I love you, just like this.

The longed end of wandering.

I leave behind this world's unending sadness.

Together.

Walking the many and unknowable paths,

I follow a dim light. But

It's something we'll do together to the end,

Into the new world.

And secondly, this is an excerpt from Don’t Want to Fall, and it is my favourite and most precious passage that I’ve ever written. It’s not perfect, but I love this so much and if there’s one thing that I hope that I could leave you with, it’s this:

When I told Yoona about my errhem, ual experiences, she was shocked, and she didn’t talk to me for six weeks straight. We had been dating for a month then. I was at a total loss. And a total wreck. Can you believe it? Me, pining after one girl. For once in my life, there was something that money couldn’t buy. It hurt to be with her, to feel inadequate, like a fool who thought that she could ever be with someone that pure, that perfect, but it hurt even more to stay away from her. I thought that I could never be good enough for her, but love transcends all boundaries. Love conquers all.

Now, as you can see, I’m pretty much a again. Yoona… she’s good for me. People like you and I, I take that back, people that have lived the lives we’ve led, don’t really get to committing to people. And Yoona and I clash from time to time as well. We aren’t perfect. But how exciting is that? To never know what comes next. To live in the moment, to hope for the future, and to love each other endlessly, above all.

You and Taeyeon need to stop thinking of yourselves as inadequate, because you’re hurting no one but each other. The more you fight with your heart, the more you tear yourself apart. You two are right for each other. You both love each other more than the other knows. A love that has transcended time. Pain. And sorrow. Conflict is conflict. It will come, but if it does, then love her more. If she gets hurt, love her more. If there’s anything that you all cannot work through, love each other more. Shower her. Drown her with love. The answer is not to hate yourself, or each other, but to love more. Love conquers all.

Please never give up on your dreams.

We can do so much, so much with what we have.

We can change the world.

And never stop loving each other more no matter how hard it gets.

Because beneath and above it all.

Love conquers all.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…”

With Love,

koofs