0225, So many things in this world I anticipated would eventually be the ones to push me towards my breaking point—parents, friends, school, all that outside-world, real-world bull—just never expected to crumple like this.

So we were on this family trip, somewhere south. That day started to feel so unusual with my mom's continuous compliments on how beautiful I was (which is weird to share since to tell you honestly, I'm plain.) At night, in the middle of a happy conversation on the dining table, Dad called me for a family meeting after dinner— which consists of me, my dad and my mom. No brothers included—  and just by the way my mom looked so worried, and my dad tense, dread washed over me. No words passed between us and the suspense just suffocated me to no end so I sort of snapped at them, in a joking way, to lighten up the mood. (at least). Whatever terrible news they're about to give me, I'd rather they rip it off like a Band-Aid than drag it out. So my dad then told me slowly that we needed to talk about "college". Funny how dumbfounded I might have looked like, he continued on by telling me on how proud he was, that they're proud of me and that I should be proud of myself, well, I am. Sort of anyway. But it was not just that, I knew there was something else, something in his tone really sets off my inner alarms. Then sudden coldness hits me in my core when Mom told me that they couldn't afford sending me to Med School. I didn't understand. With my mom and dad's steady business, both in and out of the country, I know we aren't exactly rich. But we definitely aren't poor. And YUCM's tuition hasn't exactly changed in the last few months, they knew the cost when I applied. I just didn't understand, they've always wanted me to go to college, just like my brothers. So I told them that and they said they do want me to and suggested that I move to (I shall dubbed this place as Pine, for anonymity purposes) Pine. My father is originally from Pine, and my grandparents are still residing there. They coaxed me into thinking that it's going to be a great college anyway and that they're already having a hard time if they'll be sending threecollege kids to study in Seoul, (mind you, boarding or renting is much more expensive than in small and medium sized cities.) I don't have any complaints about that, to be honest, and I tried to see things in a different light but the little infuriating voice in my head kept whispering on how they never put limits on what college I could go to before. Of how unfair they were. They've been pushing it on me my entire life—  silly me for assuming they were prepared for it. Why have I been busting my in school? Why have I been wasting my time with after school classes, attending cram school and the likes? What was it all for? Why did they even let me apply? It doesn't make any sense. If it's just for experience, they should've told me in the first place. So as to not let me hope over something that's never going to happen anyway. They knew how that feels. Right? They should know. They're parents after all. 

Did I say that in front of him? In front of my mother? In front of everybody else? Yes, while trying not to cry. Yes, while trying to speak in a full voice. I remembered how my mom answered my inquiries by saying: "Well, it's a really hard school to get into," and it actually took me a moment to process the deeper meaning of it. Her sympathetic voice masks the truth behind her words, 'They didn't think I'd get in.' Well, I did.
She's always been able to balance between mother and friend— which is why it's such a blow that she thought that way, that they thought of me that way. I felt so betrayed, belittled and angered by their lack of responsibility and preparation. 

It hasn’t been an easy year, or even month, for that matter, but everything that has ever hurt me since—ruined fond memories, toxic friends, confusing mental states—have found a way to nag me into surviving. I don’t know. maybe it’s the thrill (although admittedly disturbing motivations) of proving everyone who didn’t trust you enough wrong, or maybe it’s just maddeningly satisfying to just get over the with it. It’s not the funnest thing, but it’s effective, and so I gave up fighting back and decided I’m just going for what keeps me alive at this point.

Anyway. truth is I realized I’m actually very easily provoked; I come off as silent and childlike, but in reality I’m a very restless, always-on-the-edge kind of person. But I do like settling in the in-betweens, looking to the horizon for hope and love and cookies. Sometimes.

I would still probably carry on cursing my parents decision, my life itself on a regular basis to clear all internal clogging but I’ve realized that a.) I could get through this, or b.) I wouldn’t, but it will pass like all else; some battles can be won, some cannot, and I have to seriously learn the value of letting regret wane at some point.

even then, the reality is that: what a sub-ing-par year.

On the other note: I'll be updating Mr. Byun Baekhyun: Untamed today. Since I'm so full of raw emotions I can't put a name for, might as well use that as a muse. So sorry for the delayed updates and all. I have no excuses other than this.