Fear is something I’ve only felt because of my father. But once I was old enough that fear turned into anger then hatred and ever since I’ve never felt it again. That night seeing blood on my hands it came back. The suffocating feeling that no matter how hard I try to breathe no amount of air is enough to sate me. My hands couldn’t feel anything. I can’t move nor think. 

I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do.

Seeing you on the hospital bed with tubes and machines connected to you I didn’t know what else to do. Nothing was alright. Your eyes looked empty and it broke me. No amount of apology will be enough to bring life back into them. What hurts the most is I’m the one to blame for everything. 

The night you hurt me I should have stopped there. I should have not demanded you to marry me. I should have not asked you to go through the pregnancy. I should have let you go. I should have forgiven you. I should have let you be happy. 

But I didn’t.

I didn’t because I’m selfish. I didn’t because I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. But seeing you know in pain it didn’t change anything. I’m still in pain. The only difference is I’m in pain because I can’t stand seeing you hurt. 

“You should really talk to Minju, Won. She really needs you.”

I turned to look away from Wonyoung. 

“You can’t keep running away.”

I continued to ignore her as I read some of the reports I’ve gotten earlier. Wonyoung doesn’t seem like she’ll be giving up soon because she stood up to take away the folder I have in my hands. It forced me to face her.

“I need to do my job.”

“No Chaewon. You need to be there for Minju. I know that you are mad at her and that you don’t want to see her but she needs someone to be with her. She hasn’t talked for a month. She hasn’t left your house since she got back from the hospital. She has no one.” 

I shook my head. “She has Yujin.”

Wonyoung glared at me. “You sent her away to Japan!” 

Right. I did send her away. I didn’t like the way she spoke to me the last time we talked and I assigned her to lead a medical mission in Japan last week. 

“Minju doesn’t want to see me right now.”

Wonyoung heaved a sigh and slammed the folder onto my desk. The sound it made was enough for the other people on the floor to turn and look at my office. I had to wave my hand just so they could return to their businesses. 

“Can you please not make a scene?”

She scoffed. “Stop ignoring or pushing away every problem you encounter Kim Chaewon. You’re a grown adult, I don’t have to keep reminding you to deal with your own !”

“I know.”

Wonyoung took a deep breath and seemed to have finally calmed down. 

“Fix yourself Won. You can’t keep living like this. You wouldn’t know that she doesn’t want to talk to you unless you’ve actually tried. All you’ve done is run and avoid, you’d have to face her and actually have a proper conversation. The sooner the better.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore of her nagging and decided that it’s time to take a break. I started clearing up my desk. “Is Hitomi at the hospital? I’ve been calling her since last night but she won’t pick up. I’ve figured that she might be at work. I haven’t been able to talk to her since the accident either, she seems busy.”

Wonyoung’s forehead creased.

“What?”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“Tell me what?” 

“She ended her residency early. She quit the hospital last week and she’s been packing since. She went home to Japan this morning. Have you forgotten?”

I paused. “What?”

“Now that I think about it, it’s weird you never mentioned it.”

“It’s because she never told me!”

I slumped back to my seat. Wonyoung looked like she pitied me and I hate it. Even if I didn’t like it she crossed the distance between us and went to my side. She began rubbing my shoulder.

“She must have a reason.”

I shook my head.

“Maybe I’m just really the type of person not worth saying goodbye to.”

She clicked her tongue. “Don’t say that Won. You have your faults but you know you’re worth more than that. Maybe she just wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Even if you deny it you know that she has feelings for you. She just found out you have a wife after the fiasco at the hospital. There’s no way that she will take that well and maybe she needs time and space away from this. She’ll call you when she’s ready.”

Despite Wonyoung’s assuring words I still didn’t feel okay. I haven’t had any proper rest since the accident. I thought drowning myself in work w