After that, I avoided him for some time, but in vain. Everything was back to normal after a few calls from his part and me trying to ignore his existence. I was wounded with the knife he had jabbed at my heart. It hadn’t been a joke for me, and somewhere along the line I realized how much he’d started to grow on me. I wanted to make him disappear; I wanted to erase everything that concerned him if only it would shut off the pain, the humiliation. But I couldn’t go on ignoring him forever, and if I did I’d need to have a reason to. Unfortunately I decided that having him as a friend might not be as bad, because I realized just how much I have come to depend on his friendship, as much as it sounded desperate to me.

I couldn’t well tell him that I liked him, or he’d probably draw away and look at me like I was one of those girls, the girls he tries so hard to ignore.

But I wasn’t like them, and I’d never be.

I believed I was strong enough, that I wouldn’t break even if I dropped.

Maybe he had realized his mistake of having twisted me around during that party, for his attitude towards me softened and he started initiating conversations more frequently. With all my heart, I restrained myself from jumping at my phone whenever a notification signaled his reply, but I was just in too deep already, I hadn’t just realized how much of the deep end I had already plunged into.

“Kimberly, are you okay?” My friend, Shim Aejung, asked once when I was over at her house. She had caught me red-handed gazing off into the nearby wall and lost in my own thoughts, not really present as the rest of the girls chatted on about their boring daily schedules that I found to be a necessary buzz for my brain to think.

I had sent her a wan smile, trying to mask my confused, mixed feelings, “Just tired”

“You’ve been tired a lot lately” she commented, still wary from my slouched posture. I couldn’t blame her, who wouldn’t have been? “Can’t sleep?”

“Something like that”

If I could go back and tell myself to just stop whatever I was doing before anything bad was to happen, I would. But I was an innocent, and he was all too experienced. He spun his spider web and caught me at my most vulnerable position, knowing exactly what he was doing while I was losing my mind.

I liked him so much that I hated him.

Again, what I was trying to avoid occurred, and I still didn’t realize how much of an idiot I was to continue on. It had been a rainy night with alternate cold showers that clouded up my windowpanes.  After having finished my essay due for tomorrow, I had stretched and had been ready to go to bed when my phone blinked with a new message.

Curious, I slid the screen open to see Jimin’s name appear on the message thread, my heart unconsciously jumping to my throat. 

Jimin: Yo ;)

Such a simple word, and yet, my brain was cartwheeling with the million types of answers I could give him.

At the back of my mind, there was this small warning. It was a clear indication of a red flag waving at me to stop and ignore him, ignore him because he deserved to know that the world did not revolve around him. But the urge to read what he had to say burned down that thought as my fingers reached over to type my reply.

Kim: Hi.

Jimin: At least a smile, Kim >:(

It wasn’t in my nature to play hard to get because I had never really experienced it in the first place, but I just wanted to know how much he really cared about me as an individual.

Kim: What do you want?

Jimin: Are you on your period?

Kim: None of your business

Jimin: Why are you so snappy then? :(

Kim: It’s 12:30 a.m. I’m tired. I want to sleep

Jimin: Oh I can fix that

Kim: what?

Jimin: I can make you awake in no time coughcough ;)

I blinked at my phone, shaking my head at his ual innuendo. Jimin would always be Jimin at the end of the day. He may not have shown that obsessed-over- side with his next target victims, but Jimin despite all of it was a boy, and what did boys like? Duh, of course it was .

Jimin: Yah.

I huffed and watched his messages pop up one after another when he realized I was ignoring him.

Jimin: stop ignoring me!

Jimin: Kim! Yahhhh :(((((

Jimin: I will spam you if you don’t reply to me

Jimin: I

Jimin: will

Jimin: spam

Jimin: You

Jimin:

Jimin: Fine! You want to play that game?! Be that way!

Chuckling despite myself, I finally replied.

Kim: you’re annoying

Jimin: Do you want me to tell everyone how you have a secret obsession over hot pink boxers?

Jimin: Or how about that embarrassing picture of you I’ve got :P

Kim: DON’T. YOU. DARE. PARK. JIMIN.

Jimin: are you mad yet? ;)

Kim: Shut the up

Jimin: awwww Kim~<3

I knew it was only a heart, and that hearts were made for every time of love, but yet, the hope inside of me flared up so easily I wanted to hit myself for being so naïve and stupid.

Jimin: Let me make it up to you~

Jimin: How about dinner on Friday? You free? ;)

What was that even supposed to mean? I froze for a minute, the screws in my brain ticking and trying to piece together the bits of the puzzle Jimin had set out in front of me. Was that a pass at me? Did he really mean that dinner? Or was it just a friendly date with one another?

Sure, friends did ask each other out just to hang around. I did that a lot with other friends, and yet the way Jimin suggested it seemed to …off. Friends didn’t communicate in such intimate manner, friends did not go out casually together unless they were really close. In my case, I couldn’t really say that I was close with Jimin, as we’d only known each other for less than a year. We were friends, nothing less and definitely nothing more. But why did I feel like his words had an underlying invitation for another step towards our relationship? I was so gullible into believing that maybe, just maybe there had been a slight ray o