“Why am I alive…. Why am I even here?”

He murmured quietly, a hand covering his swollen eyes from too much crying, he dreamt of them again, rather, he dreamt of the car crash again. The most painful thing is that he remembers it clearly, the tires screeching loudly against the pavement road, his father panicking and wide eyed as he tries to control the steering wheel, stepping into the breaks but it seems that even that cannot stop the mess that’s about to happen, his mother was hugging him tightly, her head resting against her bosom, the embrace was so tight and warm that it gave him the false illusion that everything would be okay in the end.

But it wasn’t.

The car crashed against the bus that’s across their lane, and soon enough the only thing that he can remember is an ambulance siren, a man reaching out to help him and asking him if he was okay, and his parents… They were dead by the time help came to the rescue, and he was left all alone crying and shaking both bodies, hoping, crying, silently praying that somehow they’d wake up, but it didn’t happen, it never did. They died when he was only a young boy.

And it was the hardest thing to accept.

Since his parent’s death he hasn’t talked nor ate, he refused to since living with foster parents makes him miss his Mom and Dad more. He rebelled by bushing his health and all that self torture lasted for a while, until his closest relative Siwon and Hangeng took care of him as their own son, he was introduced to his cousin YooChun who was adopted by the couple since he was still in diapers and since then his life got way more better, YooChun was seven years older than him but it didn’t matter because the latter wanted them to be as close as brothers, in the end they’ve treated each other more than that, they’ve become best friends, until YooChun left for America to marry his boyfriend Junsu and ever since, his life became as colorless again, if not for Siwon and Hangeng, he might’ve committed suicide when YooChun boarded on that plane.

“JaeJoong, sweetheart it’s time to go to school, now come here and eat your breakfast before it gets cold.” Hangeng called from downstairs; instantly he wiped his tears away, checking if his school uniform became wrinkled from his previous seat. “Jae, come down now son…” This time it was Siwon who called for him, and after one last shuddering breath he stood up and walked straight towards the door.

Walking towards the kitchen he pulled his red patterned jacket from the coat rack and grabbed his earmuffs with the red scarf that Hangeng knitted for him on his birthday, he slowly pulled the jacket up his shoulders and zipped the zipper close before wearing the muffs and scarf, he looked at the rectangular shaped kitchen table and saw Hangeng and Siwon sitting close to each other while waiting for him to arrive.

“C’mon, eat with us sweetie.” Hangeng said with a gentle smile on his face, he gestured at the seat beside him and mouthed JaeJoong to seat close to him.

“Thank you.” JaeJoong whispered the reply, he slowly lifting the chair, making sure that no sound can be heard, he took his seat and eat the breakfast quietly, and not minding his foster parents who were now talking about something that he has no interest in.

“JaeJoong dear, remove your earmuffs and scarf first, it’ll be hard to eat with that thick wool hugging your neck.” He complied with his foster father’s request, placing the items beside his plate and assumed eating his breakfast.

“I’m going to school now, thank you for the meal.” He stood up from his seat after saying his thanks and kissed his adopted parents goodbye. He grabbed his bag that’s behind the coat rack, zipping it open to pull the bonnet and wear it hastily, he speedily grabbed the earmuffs and scarf that’s beside his empty plate and once again bid his goodbye.

There was this lingering silence on the dining area after JaeJoong stepped out of the house, finally Siwon looked at his husband thoughtfully and said, “You know, I think he’s gotten quite happy… You know… Since YooChun moved to America…” Hangeng gave him a quick smile and spooned a sausage.

“Yeah, he’s getting better isn’t he?” He lazily suggested back and chewed quickly, “But I do hope he finds the ‘right’ thing to make him happier.” Hangeng added after chewing and this time he looked at Siwon with a smile, “I just think that he needs something to spice up his life to at least ease the pain from his parents passing...”

Siwon nodded with a hum, picking up the news paper besides his coffee afterwards, “Well I know that you changed me… Giving me that right kind of spice.” He said with a wink, and Hangeng laughed hard afterwards.

++++++++++

JaeJoong sighed loudly; both of his legs were starting to shake from the cold, regretting the fact that he wore the thin sock that Hangeng bought for him the other day. “I’m sorry… I should’ve worn that thick sock instead….” He apologized to himself, his hands soothing his thighs by drawing comforting circles above the fabric. “But you see the bus left without a warming so I really had no other option but to walk, I hope you understand” He murmured, realizing how silly it sounds that he’s apologizing himself, but his hands not stopping to rub his aching thighs. “Only a half mountain till we arrive at school… Come on… let’s do this!” He encouraged himself by patting his head while his free hand tugs on his bag pack, he smiled softly, his cold lips afterwards.

++++++++++

When he arrived in the classroom he was panting heavily, and though it was winter there was visible beads of sweat in his face, puffy breaths coming out from his parted lips as he breathes deeply to regain his lost breath, he had to run because when he was close to the school’s entrance the guard is already closing the gate, that’s why he ran as fast as he could and felt relieved when he made it inside the school in time, but when he realized that he was late for his first class he began to run like a maniac again, and thus arriving at his classroom almost breathless.

He sighed and wiped his forehead with the back of his hands before looking at his teacher who’s looking at him with that confused and baffled expression, “Ju----just let me….. Breathe first Sr.” he pleaded softly, and huffed loudly, still out of breath even though it’s already been seconds since he ran.

His homeroom teacher looked at him curiously, eyes wide against the thick rimmed glasses, and arms crossed against his chest, “Mr. Kim, would you care to explain why you look like as if you’ve just run in a 10 kilometer fund run?” Prof. Jung said, his eyes still laced on his occasionally tardy student.

“I----I ran to make it to class, Sr.” JaeJoong murmured breathlessly, his eyes half idled while his arm was leaning against the door’s frame for support.

“Okay, I understand, now please be seated” the strict professor instructed, resuming his lesson instantly afterwards.

JaeJoong sat down on his seat; he bent down to rest from the long run, his head resting against his arms. He flickered his eyes open, lazily scanning his classroom and secretly checking if everyone is seated in the right place. He loves going to school, because its one of the few places where he can distract himself and even though it’s just medication for his loneliness, he enjoys the company from his friends and classmates.

+++++++++++

Hearing the bell ring, the students closed their books and stretch their sore bodies from sitting for hours, JaeJoong merely stared at the window while his fingers played with the pencil on his desk, his expression was deep and thoughtful, not noticing that his professor was eyeing him in an inspectional way.

“Okay, class that’s it for today, and for your assignments answer from pages 144 to 146, that’s all for today.” The professor said in an informal tone which made some of his female students blush and giggle, his talent of compromising his character in his surrounding is one of the reasons why Mr. Jung is beloved by everyone in this prestige school.

“Lunch Time!” TaeMin who’s one of JaeJoong’s friend exclaimed happily, he skipped and beamed like a child happily, in fact he was the complete opposite of JaeJoong. “C’mon JaeJoong skip with me!” The gleeful redhead asked, looking at his older friend with that happy and overly excited smile.

“No… You go ahead” The older of the two declined gently, standing up from his seat afterwards and walking slowly towards the department’s canteen.

“Okay, fine, come on and skip with me Minho!” The latter was pulled by the wrist, leaving JaeJoong behind.

JaeJoong made a sound of annoyance but failed to roll his eyes, seeing how cute TaeMin is makes him kind of jealous that his other friend was childish and bright like that, he continued walking slowly, following the trails of Minho and TaeMin until someone pushed him down, making him land hand on the floor.

“Sorry kid!” One of the paramedics helped him up, brushing the invisible dust off of JaeJoong’s shoulders, he smiled and nodded saying that he was okay, the middle aged man smiled at him and caught up with his co-medics.

JaeJoong’s forehead creased, clearly intrigued by what’s happening, he saw that the paramedics entering the canteen with the stretcher and soon enough his feet dragged him to see the chaotic scene inside the canteen, he saw the paramedic slowly lifting up an unconscious boy, seeing those men having a little problems with the guy, JaeJoong assumed that the boy was taller than most students here. Soon enough the student was laid in the stretcher while one of the paramedics ask question to some of the boy’s friends.

“What happened to him?” One of the paramedics asked the student who introduced himself as the friend of the boy in the stretcher.

“He----he ju---just fainted! We were happily chatting but then he just did!” The student stammered with his sentence, still shocked by what’s happening, he was slightly shaking and his pupils were slightly dilated, clearly he’s still high from the adrenaline rush.

The lead medic nodded and gestured his team to go on, not noticing that there was a boy in front of him JaeJoong got knocked out again for the second time, “Sorry again kid!” The man smiled after realizing that he encountered the boy in front of him before, he saw JaeJoong’s smiled and said it was nothing again and soon enough the paramedic’s team and himself ran fast with the boy in the stretcher.

JaeJoong stood up and began to follow them absentmindedly, as if something was pushing him to do so. He ran faster and faster until he caught a glimpse of the boy in the stretcher, tall and tan, deep set eyes, a defined jaw and full parted lips. And the thing that haunted him the most was the boy’s pained expression, the weirdest part is that he began to feel the ache too.

“Who was he?” he softly whispered, he stopped running and soon enough he was just staring blankly, wondering who the boy was, it seems crazy that somebody made such an impression without even formal introduction, and for him this all seems weird.

Swaying off the unfamiliar trance, he shrugged involuntarily unnecessary thoughts after hearing the announcement coming from the speaker box, lunch was over but still he was hungry so he decided to skip Mythology and eat instead, not bothering if Minho or Taemin will frantically look for him.