I look at my wristwatch as the time tick slower than usual, or is the time moving slower to match my phase as well?

I walk slower than usual, moving with heavy footsteps as a lump started to form in my throat, my heart beating hard and I can feel it aching as well.

The moment I dread and wished to never happen finally came. 

There she stood, across the street with a man who stands a foot taller than me, who looks better than me, dresses better than me and way better than me in all aspect.

In a much slower phase I crossed the road and approach their way, stopped to stand a meter away.

I wait patiently as she whispered something to the guy before he walked up to a parked car and she walk up to me.

With small steps she inched closer; the buzzing, car honks, loud chatters and all other noises fell to deaf ears as my heart beats louder like a drum with every step she take towards me.

She's still as breathtaking, despite how cold she's looking at me right now I can still feel warmth inside that only she can give.

It felt like forever before she finally is on arms reach and time stood still as I look at her, love and longing in my eyes, yet I see nothing from hers. No emotions at all, ice cold eyes that it pierced through my heart. 

She spoke, and how I missed her angelic voice, that held no warmth like it used to.

"Taeyeon, let's talk"

It did not sound like a question, nor pleading, nothing but a cold demand and it added another stab to my heart.

Like how it has always been, I nodded and she started walking to the direction of the nearby park. I followed suit with heavy footsteps and a bleeding heart dreading for what's to come.

She stood by the railings, facing the lake and I stood next to her. As close as I can be for maybe one last time.

The afternoon light colored the water in dancing dark orange, also hitting her face making her breathtakingly glow, a picture perfect sight under the lights of the setting sun and again my breathing hitched, totally captivated and I am falling for her deeper.

How can this be? How is this possible, to feel so much love despite being hurt by the same person? It hurts so much but still I love her just as much.

She turned to me and I held my breath, maybe because of how amazing she look or for the growing anticipation of what she's about to say.

"Taeyeon, do I really have to spell it out to you?" She turned and pointed to the guy she was with who stands by his car. I followed sight. "That guy over there is my boyfriend now and I hope I am making myself clear here."

Everything moved in slow motion as I return my eyes on her and she looked at me one last time before turning on her heel to leave and I take all her words in, digesting it and in an agonizingly slower phase it hit me through the heart and realization came like a lightning struck me.

I knew it from the moment she started distancing herself, when her messages and calls lessened to only replies when it was me who sent her a message or call her first. Maybe had figured it all out when I saw her that one night holding hands with that guy when I was out with friends after she bailed out on our date but just like a fool that I am, I still hold on to her.

So just like that? Don't I deserve an explanation? Am I that little for her to leave me like this? Leaving me confused and broken?

Before she can take another step further away I held her wrist tight, making her turn to me.

With so much struggle to keep my composure and my tears at bay, with words I tried not to choke myself and with all the courage and voice laced with so much pain I couldn't hide I willed myself to look at her straight in her eyes that void of any emotions and spoke.

"Don't you think I deserve at least an explanation why? Am I so little to you that you'll just leave me with nothing? I get it if you're not feeling the same way anymore. I will accept it if you tell me you don't need me. I would understand if you dont want me anymore. Just ing tell me anything so I know where to start understanding and pick things up from here!" I couldn't hold it in anymore as the words came out along with my bottled up emotions.

Tears I tried so hard not to shed started spilling as my hold of her wrist loosen. I willed myself to keep my eyes lock into hers and in a split second I have seen a flicker of mixed intense emotions in her eyes before she looked down and sigh.

We stood there for I dont know how long, the sun had set and the street lights already replaced the glow of the summer sun.

My emotions somehow had calmed down and I willed myself again, this time -with my free hand - to reach for her face, caressing her soft and warm cheek before cupping her chin, bring her face up and held her unyielding gaze. It isn't blank anymore but all I see is sadness that brought another wave of hurt washing over me.

She held my hand that is cupping her chin and I feel the warmth enveloping my hand, the warmth I am missing so much.

Slowly she removed my hold of her, and it pained me. 

"Jessica please." Never in my wildest thought did it ever cross my mind that I would beg for someone, but I am now.

The pain doubled when she removed my hand that held her wrist and I felt her stepping on the broken pieces of my heart when she said "Tae, I'm sorry."

And just like that, she walked away leaving me and everything about us all behind, towards that guy.

As her figure went farther and farther away until she reached the car and they sped away it like watching my world disappear. Knowing after everything she just turned so cold.

Wasn't she being so unfair? Leaving me hanging like this. She didn't tell me anything, she never said a word as to why she broke up with me, so how am I suppose to understand? I am her girlfriend one moment, and the next she's with a new guy and everything between us was over.

How am I suppose to take a step forward when she left me with so much question I need answers to move on from here, but only she hold the answer.

As I stood rooted, looking at the lake illuminated by the dancing lights caused by the lamps and other source of evening lights, memories of us flashing in front of me like an old movie, I start to wonder, will I ever cross her mind? Because I know it will take time before she leave my mind. Will she miss me? Because it might take me even more time to stop looking for her warmth. Will she remember our memories together? Because I know memories of us will hunt me when I sleep or even when I'm awake. 

It will be hard to forget her completely, but it's not impossible, is it? Because despite loving her this much I am aware of how much of a fool I became for her and I have come up with a decision.

I want to stop making the same mistake and it start with not wanting to ever hear her name and going over this heartache.

If only it cross her mind to tell me what was going on, if only she spoke what's on her mind, I would understand and let go of her with a much lighter heart than how I am feeling now, but no, she didn't tell me.

- - - - - -

I just want to write some angst and break my own heart.

So... I guess I'm leaving it like this ^^v