After the “break” I have given myself away from the person I probably don’t want to think about but sad to say had been running in my mind all throughout those times, I finally came up to the decision of “facing the giant in my closet” and move on. Try.

 I shouldn’t get mad for he doesn’t know what I feel towards him or the fact that he couldn’t control his feelings, or just he simply doesn’t feel attracted to me. This may be embarrassing (it is indeed, for a guy to do such things!) to admit but a bucket of tears had been counted, a few chick-flicks and treats had been watched and a few love songs had been heard for over a time feeling self-pity for the actions and feelings I harbored towards my best friend.

I even spend a few more hours in the gym than the regular time I took the exercises just to get him off my mind, and thankfully it made me feel good about myself for slowly I know I can get over him. Now, I had been spending some time with my other friends, hanging out with them just to avoid thinking about myself and by myself because I had most likely think about him and feel depressed. Although I still get to spend some time with Jiyong since I now moved back to the apartment (for the comeback), I try to limit those time together and instead mingle with the other three members but trying to be discreet about my actions.

Treating myself a new hair-cut, shopping new clothes makes me more confident about myself not because I wanted him to notice me differently but because this new found confidence might help me pursue other potential love interests. Yes, I even considered dating one of my acquaintances whom I found interesting hoping for a new romance to blossom. Hoping.

When I am alone inside my room, I make a list of the things that go against loving him.

1. He smokes.

But that adds to his charm just like Seunghyun-hyung.

2. He drinks. A lot.

That’s what you do during parties anyway.

3. He doesn’t take anything seriously aside from music and fashion.

He takes me as a brother though. Like seriously.

4. He doesn’t have time. He’s always busy.           

That’s what we get for being an idol.

5. He won’t be able to celebrate any special day if ever.

He doesn’t forget your birthday, even Boss’ death anniversary; we both celebrate our friendship and group’s anniversary though.

Aisst! I don’t have to contradict those “negatives”, right?

6. He acts too cute because he knows he is one.

7. He flirts a lot.  

8. He couldn’t keep his hands for himself.

And………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Aisst! Whatelse?!

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I know it’s not healthy to keep hoping that one day he’ll realize that he feels the same towards me and this thought keeps bugging me for a while now but what if he doesn’t, he would not, and will never will? I don’t to spend time around him feeling tense and bittersweet so I really had to carry on even though it is so devastating.

Cliché as it is, I know one day someone will come along, he may be not perfect as Jiyong (for I thought he is) but he will definitely perfectly imperfect and things would work out just the way I wanted. Because, I, Dong Youngbae deserves someone better.