안녕하세요 journal !

 

Mum is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack :D !

 

I’m so glad she and Kwan are here! Even though, I must admit, the day didn’t start so well. Especially because of me, to be honest :3

 

I was so nervous at the idea of not waking up early enough, when I actually woke up, everyone was still sleeping and I saw that it was 6 am. So I fell asleep again, certain that I would only sleep for a few more minutes. When I woke up again, it was 10:30 D: !!! I deactivated my alarm clock when I checked the time (f¤c#!ng  digital screen, so slippery ><)! Suddenly, it felt like hours were minutes and minutes were seconds! I trumpeted throughout the living-room for everybody to wake up and started running in all directions. There was so much to do O_O! Brush my hair, do the dishes, tidy up the living-room, clean the kitchen, clean the windows, vacuum everywhere, have everyone take a bath (not as easy as it sounds ><)…

 

At first, the boys were not so glad to be woken up so abruptly and so early in the morning (please define “early” GD -_-). Some of them even went back to sleep. Thank God Taeyang helped me to make everybody “GET UP” as he lifted them all one by one like feathers and made them stand up before I shoved dust rags and cleaning products in their hands. At first, they tried to grumble and whine but as I ran everywhere and shouted orders in the face of those who just stood there yawning, their mouths instantly closed, their eyes snapped open and they all started running everywhere as well. 30 minutes and a quasi-heart attack later, everything and everybody was nice and clean, waiting quietly in the living room. When I received a message that Kwan and Mum would be about an hour late because of the traffic, since I had put them on speaker, I hung up and, without a word, took my purse to go to the grocery store with my head bowed, ignoring as much as I could the collective glares towards me. Not my fault, guys ><

 

When Mum and Kwan arrived, lunch was ready. Mum and I hugged. It was so weird to see her after all this time; I felt like I hadn’t seen her in decades! She had a little more wrinkles around her eyes than before but she was also slimmer and dressed in a more Asian style. It felt good to smell her scent of cheap perfume when I hugged her. It was the same as before. As for Kwan, he hadn’t changed much. But to be honest, I never really paid attention to his appearance. He was still bald with grey hair on the sides, still a little stunted and still shorter than me with an awkward nervous smile on his face. Although I used to despise him, it felt good to see him too.

 

The introduction of the boys to them both and vice-versa was a little more difficult since I realized I hadn’t taught the boys how to introduce themselves the western way. However, my mum politely bowed at them and greeted them in perfectly fluent Korean. Seriously, am I the only one in the universe who doesn’t speak that darn language properly T_T ?

I hesitated to introduce them by their “normal” names but when I glanced at the living-room, I knew there was no way I could find a rational explanation about how five “normal” boys could have done that to my mum’s boyfriend’s home. When he saw the damages and how empty his living-room suddenly was, I thought Kwan was going to have a as his mouth opened wide like a fish’s and he grabbed my mum’s arm to steady himself! When Mum asked me to tell her what happened, I couldn’t lie facing her worried piercing eyes and her loud clear voice in spite of the fact that she was smaller than me (1,51 meters -_-). I blushed like a little girl and confessed that the boys did it. Kwan’s wide eyes darkened and he glared at my mum before talking to her really fast and angrily in Korean as she tried to calm him down (judging by the gestures of her hands and her quiet yet firm tone. I could not understand a word she was saying ><). 

 

To my surprise, Taeyang abruptly prostrated himself at their feet and deeply apologized for the damages in “ahjussi” and “ahjumma’s” home and that he was the only to blame because he fought with the boys. He added that he started the fight so I was in no way responsible and that, since he could neither pay the window nor any of the furniture back with money, he’d do whatever it takes to pay his debt to them in the future, even if it meant paying it with his life.

 

Kwan and Mum looked down at him and stood silent for a minute before Mum suddenly burst out in laughter. I forgot how loud her laugh was :D It’s even louder than mine :-)) ! She then took Taeyang’s hand, helped him stand up and dust him as she explained that there was no need to go that far. She told him that he did well to tell them the truth and they would fix the window and buy a new TV themselves. When Kwan tried to protest, she turned at him and told him in English:

 

“What? You’ve been complaining for years that that TV was too old and you wanted to buy a new one but you were too lazy to do it!”

 

She then went to the closet and took sheets which she used to cover the shredded couch and armchairs.

 

“And the coffee table?” her boyfriend asked in a thick Korean accent with his fists on his hips.

 

Mum shrugged as she tucked the corners of the sheets under the cushions.

 

“I hate coffee anyway.”

 

I laughed. There I knew she hadn’t changed at all: unlike me, she’d always focus on the bright side of situations even when her arguments would make no sense to anyone but her :D ! 

 

We sat down around the table and had lunch. However, this time around, I didn’t have much to offer for the eight of us except kimchi and instant noodles :-/ . We passed the electric kettle from hand to hand as we poured the boiling water in our plastic bowls and ate in awkward silence. From the corner of my eye, I saw the boys grimace while they ate. Yet they kept their mouths shut and stood in their place. How brave of them!

 

For dessert, we had 메떡 which I bought knowing it was Mum’s favorite pastry. I like it too but, oh my, these rice cakes stuffed with red beans are so thick I was stuffed and almost choked after eating just one of them O_O!

While we drank coffee (well, tea for Mum and I since we don’t like it :P), as she was sitting in front of me, she finally took my hand across the table and looked me in the eyes.

 

“So tell me what happened. Unless you prefer we talk in private?”

“Actually…” I started and looked at the boys.

 

I met the eyes of Top and G-Dragon, then Taeyang, then Daesung… Seungri was still avoiding my gaze.

 

“The choice is yours.” G-Dragon said, aware of my inner dilemma. Top himself bowed his head and I could tell it was his way of telling me he wouldn’t intend to hypnotize either of them.

 

I bit my lip. I knew that if I told them the truth, my mum and her boyfriend would probably be in danger. Yet I felt guilty at the idea of lying to Mum now that I had finally reconciled with her. And they helped us so much!

 

Mum caught GD’s words, turned towards Kwan and whispered something. As he got up, I raised my hand to stop him.

 

“No, mum, it’s okay. He can stay.” I said.

 

After all, since we destroyed HIS apartment, he had the right to know what happened, whatever version I would decide on.

 

Kwan and Mum were now sitting with their elbows on the table, leaning towards me, focused, their black eyes staring attentively at mine. However, as I still felt everyone’s stare on me, I sighed.

 

“Actually… I’m glad you guys are sitting down because it’s gonna take quite some time. ”

 

And so I told them everything. From beginning to end. Along my story, I saw my interlocutors’ expression change, from surprised to very serious, frowning then raising their eyebrows before frowning again. I was hoping deep inside that they didn’t think I was making up a lame story to not reimburse them. The boys’ faces changed too. As they remembered it all along with me, they went from very scared to sad to happy… They laughed when I talked about Seungri’s couch accident and became very serious when I mentioned Beast’s death. Of course, I willingly omitted some details like when Top and I kissed or how I almost drowned in the bathroom because I drooled like a 16-year-old in front of his bare chest ><.

 

When I was done with my story, both Mum and Kwan remained silent, looking down at the table, thoughtful.

 

“What about Joseph?” Mum eventually said.

“No sign of him. I have no idea of what he is doing. But I told him that next time, I and the boys would be waiting for him. And we will.” I said, looking at the boys and they nodded.

“So you never called the police?”

“No. I didn’t. Sorry I lied to you.”

 

Kwan suddenly said something and Mum turned vivaciously at him.

 

“No, we can’t call them, you 바보야! She just told us she can’t because then they will ask about the boys’ identity!”

“They have names though, civilian names. She said it herself.” Kwan replied. “Now they have to ask around who knows them and where they come from to see if they can find relatives who can take care of them.”

“That’s what we intend to do.” I explained him. “They picked children from orphanages in different cities around Pyeongtaek. I guess seeing employees from the same agency pick kids at the same orphanage ten times in a row may seem a little too suspicious. The orphanages they come from are all located in cities around Pyeongtaek and Seoul. We will go to each of them one by one and ask about them, starting tomorrow.” I said and looked at the boys.

 

Top and Seungri avoided my gaze while Mum nodded quietly.

 

“Do you have a ride?” she asked.

“No. But don’t worry, we’ll take the bus and then maybe take a cab.”

“A cab? Are you crazy?” Mum exclaimed. “Do you know how expansive it is? It’s out of question! Take my car!”

“Mum, it’s okay. You guys already did a lot for us. I don’t think-”

“You see?” Mum said and turned towards Kwan. “She’s always been like this! Always putting herself in impossible situations and then going “It’s okay, I got it, don’t worry”! She’s gonna drive me nuts!”

“Hey! I’m still here!”

 

I hate when she talks about me on the third person! And she knows I hate it >< She then turned towards the boys and talked to them for a long time in Korean. They suddenly burst out in laughter. I turned towards her, confused, and asked her what she had told them.

 

“Well, basically, I explained to them how impossible it was to not worry about you. Me? Not worry? You bet! I was always worried to death when you would call me in the middle of the night, crying: “Mummy! Jo had a bad day, he screamed at me again! Mummy! Why isn’t Jo calling? He said he would call! Mummy! I love Jo so much but he is so mean to me!” she said and imitated me in a high-pitched, whiny voice, which made the boys laugh even harder, even Seungri. Jeez, guys, thanks for the support -_-

 

“Wha…?” I felt my cheeks redden. “Don’t talk to them about our conversations! It’s private!”

“So what? They are your friends, aren’t they?’

“Mum!”

 “Mummy! Mummy!” Seungri imitated my mum’s nagging tone in English.

“Shut up, Seungri!”

“And now she’s screaming at her friends!”

“Mum!”

“And she’s screaming at me! Her mother! Kwan, do something!”

 

As Kwan had barely followed the conversation in English of the two mountains of loudness in front of him, he just sat there quietly, smiled sheepishly at the both of us and shrugged at his girlfriend. It’s no hard to guess who always wins when they argue -_-

 

“Not speak English.” Kwan justified himself with an exaggerated Korean accent.

“Yes, you do! Liar!” Mum replied and tapped him playfully on the shoulder before she turned at me again. “Anyway, I said you could take my car if you wanted. So you will take it! Period!”

“But Mum…! Fine.” I grunted, feeling a small wave of guilt overwhelm me.

“Good!” Mum exclaimed, satisfied, and got up. “Now, help me clear the table. Kwan and I need new furniture so we’re going to the flea-market together!”

 

And since none of us was strong enough to contradict her, we did. The boys couldn’t care less, no matter how long I would stare at them with puppy-dog eyes T_T I even suspect them to have enjoyed my afternoon of torture either to make me pay for getting them out of bed this morning or just because they liked my mother. She’s always been a magnet for people in spite of making them do what they want. Especially me!

Seungri in particular seemed to enjoy her company as they stayed close together during our walk at the flea market between two negotiations with sellers (Kwan found a cute white round coffee table and Mum managed to get it for 90 000 won instead of 250 000. Go mum :P). She told him everything: the first time I took the train at 12 to visit her and managed to end up in Baltimore instead, the time I got lost in a mall at 17 and ended up crying in the arms of a giant squirrel mascot in front of 150 people, the time I was the first of my promotion at 21 and was so nervous I ended up tripping on my uniform and showing my to the whole university (oh yeah, she even told him that -_- … thanks for reminding me that I had a hard time staying incognito the following year ><).   

 

When our little shopping session ended, as Kwan and the boys were making small talk on our way back home, Mum and I stayed behind them to chat, just like the old times.

 

“I can’t believe they’re supposed to have spent a decade underground. They act so normal!”

Mum said as we observed them.

“Well, it’s been a week. A loooooong week.” I replied.

She smirked.

“I guess, since you rescued them, you’re kind of a heroin to these boys, huh?”

“Well… I don’t have super powers like them. I wish I had though!” I replied with a smirk.

Mum turned at me and smiled.

“My little baby girl…” she whispered as she put a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“Mum, don’t call me that in public!”

“I can’t believe you actually did all the things you told us. You’ve always been more like your father. So careful, so shy… And maybe a little too naïve.”

“Er… thanks?”

“But you’ve also been as generous and a hard-worker as him. You’ve accomplished a lot since you left home so I’m only partly surprised you managed to do all that by yourself.”

 

I followed her gaze and saw she was looking at the boys again.

“I guess you guys will say goodbye, then?”

“I guess so.” 

“You will miss them, won’t you?”

“Yeah.” I said and sighed.

“I can tell. I barely know them and yet I’ve grown attached so much to them already. I guess I’ll miss them too!”

“We’ll miss you too, ahjumma!” Seungri said in English as he appeared right by her side.

In response, she put her small arm around his high shoulder and pinched his cheek.

“I’m gonna miss you most of all, big guy! I’m sure you’ll have a lot of success with girls, wherever you go! Especially if you speak English so well to them!”

“You can thank your pretty daughter for that.” Seungri replied and went by my side as he eyed me with a smirk.

“Watch your step, maknae.” I replied as he ended up hitting Kwan from behind and, when Kwan turned to see who it was, Seungri was hit in the head by one foot of the coffee table he was carrying. When he rejoined the other boys, rubbing his head and whining, they smiled at him and G-Dragon put an arm around his shoulder as he then started bragging about how he was my mum’s favorite. GD then turned his head at Mum and me and gave me a wry smile which I returned. 

 

“You’ve changed. You’re more confident, now.” Mum said as she caught that exchange. “I’m glad you finally left Joseph, even if it’s under these circumstances… You can finally stand for yourself!”

“And I can’t wait to see what else my new me can do in the future.” I said proudly.

 

Before we said good night, Mum made them all sign some kind of guestbook she and Kwan bought and, as they still have trouble writing, they left either drawings or short notes like “Thanks!” and “Kamsahabnida!” etc. GD was the most inventive as he drew a portrait of all of us riding a huge comet and entitled it: “You and me was like the Big Bang!” I didn’t know he drew so well O_O.

 

Since it would probably be the last night the six of them would spend together at my mum’s home, I settled with them in the living-room and we spent a lot of time talking in the dark. Seungri was the most talkative of course, as he kept talking about how cool Mum was and that she was the grandma he never had and how he promised her he would try to visit her and Kwan once in a while and he thanked me and he was sorry because now he understood me... I told him I was just glad to hear him sound so enthusiastic again ^^. When the boys asked if he was frustrated to have not found his power yet, he said he didn’t care because now he felt like he had a family somewhere, which was more important to him than superpowers. For all I know, I think he meant it J

 

 I wished I could have found the time to talk to Top today. He was the first to fall asleep and didn’t say a word all day nor did he try to talk to me tonight no matter how long I waited. I’ve just been staring at his back for the last two hours, typing to occupy my mind but he won’t move. On Mum’s guestbook, he just left a big black X even though I know he writes well. I hate that. I don’t want us to separate mad at each other. We’ll start with Top’s orphanage in Ansung since it’s the closest. I’m sure it will please him. I printed the itinerary and put it in my purse. So everything should be fine.

 

It’s 3am. I must go to sleep now. I’ll be driving tomorrow so I must be in good shape.

 

Top, if you’re the first to be awake by tomorrow morning and  you’re reading this while I’m still sleeping, WAKE ME UP !!

 

Also, I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I chose what I chose for the sake of both of us. Please understand. There are so many things I would have gladly shared with you but can’t now. I will miss you very much. Maybe more than the others. I want to know more about you. So please don’t be mad at me. 

 

See you tomorrow,

조안 – 누나 <3

 

 

JOAN,

 

THIS IS TOP. DO NOT LOOK FOR ME. I’M SORRY. I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD TO STAY WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. BUT I OBVIOUSLY CAN’T. SO I WILL DO AS YOU SAY AND NOT TRY ANY LONGER. I DON’T WANT TO HARM YOU OR YOUR MOTHER OR “THE BOYS” AS YOU CALL US. I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME AS A MAN. I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME AS AN ADULT, LIKE YOU. I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER ASKED US TO. IF YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, I WOULD BE THAT FATHER. IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT MONEY, I WOULD BE THE ONE WHO WOULD PROVIDE FOR THE BOTH OF US. IF YOU MISS HOME I WOULD FOLLOW YOU TO AMERICA AND FORGET ALL ABOUT MY PREVIOUS LIFE. IF YOU CRY, I WANT YOU TO LOOK FOR MY ARMS. IF YOU LAUGH, I WANT YOU TO LOOK FOR MY FACE TO MAKE FUN AT. I WANT TO HEAR THAT BEAUTIFUL VOICE YOU HAD WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF OUR NIGHT WAS AN ILLUSION. I WANT TO KISS THESE LIPS AGAIN. I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME AS FAR FROM JOSEPH AS YOU COULD. I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THAT I’M NOT AS SCARY AS I LOOK. I OBVIOUSLY FAILED. I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE WHAT I AM. A MONSTER.

SOMEBODY HAS TO PAY, STARTING WITH THE BEGINNING. IT’S TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.

 

DO NOT TRY TO STOP ME… OR I’LL KILL YOU.

 

TELL G-DRAGON, DAESUNG, TAEYANG AND SEUNGRI TO KEEP HIDING. THEY ARE GOOD KIDS. THEY HAVE A FUTURE, UNLIKE BEAST AND ME. TAKE CARE OF THEM AND FORGIVE ME.

CHOI SEUNGHYUN