Chapter 4;

The first time I met Kris, he was carrying other than the pile of library books, a black notebook that has this quote on the cover, “Be who you are, not who the world wants you to be”. I have been reflecting on this quote for the longest time and I never found understanding, because who I want to be is someone the world wants me to be. I want to be someone who is accepted and loved by everyone, I had never quite felt like myself while being myself. I like who I am not. And so, I learnt to love cute dresses, manicures, and makeup. I have a diet and exercise regime I adhere, I go to the salon every 2 weeks to keep my look parallel to the latest trends and I revamp my wardrobe every month. I am, however, struggling to achieve an above average popularity status while my sister reigns the school without breaking a sweat.

My eyes lingered at the quote on his notebook as we walked into a café a street across the school.

“Just get a seat anywhere, I’ll pick up some food for y’all.” the pale looking guy, ah yes, Suho said as he walked towards the counter

“Suho hyung’s the best!” Tao exclaimed, skipping around the table

I had almost no problem memorizing all 11 names. 

“Oh yes, I have to return this to you. I think you dropped it along with the books, you know, that day at the library?” I took out the locket from my pocket and pushed it towards Kris. His face flushed with relieve as he grabbed it from the table and started thanking me profusely.

The food was soon served, from bingsu to kimbaps, the whole table was overflowing with dishes. I gaped at the amount of food while Kai reassured me that they will be gone in a blink. True enough, all the food were almost gone by the time I was halfway through my odeng. I was in utter shock by their capability in eating. Nevertheless, I had a really enjoyable meal with them, feeling as though I just had a family dinner. I have never felt such warmth eating meal, it was such a foreign feeling and pleasant experience.

“Thanks for asking me along to dinner! You really don’t have to send home.”

“No no, I insist. You are most welcomed to join us anytime again!” Kris said, flashing a sincere smile

“Thank you, really, thank you so much. I had one of the best meals of my life.”

“The odeng was that good?”

“It was the amazing company!” I chuckled “It was as comforting as I feel a family meal would be. So thank you very much, for giving me this experience.”

“Do they, treat you well? Your family I mean.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I was not in any way mistreated at home. It’s just that I’ve never quite felt comfortable and loved, as though I don’t really belong in that household. My parents are actually very good to me, well at least I get a lot of things I ask for but sometimes, I feel misplaced like having the book of medicine shelved with shakespeares.”

“Hang on there, young- Jungen. I’m sure things will get better.”

“Hopefully. Thanks for the encouragement!” I grinned “Ah, that’s my house! Thank you once again! I’ll be going in then.”

“No problem! I’ll see you in school, head in!”

I headed straight to my room and collapsed on my bed, smiling bitterly at ceiling. What is this feeling I feel? Why is it that I am feeling homesick at home? What is this foreign feeling of love I reminisce? A single drop tear slipped from my right eye. Weird dreams have been coming to me these nights, of an unfamiliar garden, a scary looking woman, and of my grandmother explaining how I was named En because I needed to be grateful. It will all end with me in a deep fall as though from a great height with my heart feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest and when I finally reach the pit, I am submerged in water. I will then wake up in a puddle of tears. What in the world is this all about? Why are the dreams so vivid, like though I am having a flashback? I am new to these phobias and fears I can’t explain.