Hi, Guys! Soooo.... does anyone even still read on AFF? I feel like I've transitioned into such a noona fan who's lost touch with the scene but I'll finish this because I said I would even when it's been what? 4 years now? and nobody's going to read it anymore. I started drafting this chapter four years ago. I graduated and am almost a senior at my work now. Reading all the previous chapters was definitely a nice treat and it made me realize how I had the same problems and outlooks in life as I do now, just with a different person these days. Yes, one day, we'll all grow up and realize loving oppa is not all there is to do in this world but while you're at it, have fun. These are days to be cherished. These are real feelings. Don't ever doubt that. That said, let's get started again? This might be a long one. 

BTW, italicized paragraphs are flashbacks :)

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Anna Danielle Sabine

In the solitude of my room, French lace made contact with my skin again after three years. The now unfamiliar texture added to my nerves. If what I am about to do breaks his heart even more--- No. He has been fine; regal, in fact- a proper emperor who listens to his people so much so he has forgotten to listen to his heart. But where is the heart's place in difficult situations like these? First? Last? No place at all. I had tried my very best to understand Chanyeol. It was my promise, after all- not to give up on him. It was just a shame he gave up on himself.

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"I am honoring my promise to stay by your side, my Love." 

He spoke for the first time since we had arrived, "I can no longer allow you to keep that promise, Lady Montailles." 

My eyes grew wide with fear. Chanyeol had never called me 'Lady Montailles'. He had never addressed me with such dead eyes and such cold voice. I fear my father had crowned the wrong man for this is not the Chanyeol I know, the Chanyeol I kissed moments ago.

"Your Majesty, your father's remains lie in his quarters," my father states as he stands up from bowing to the newly crowned emperor. Chanyeol pushed past those still prostrating to him. Though still in shock with the way he had addressed me, I stood up as well and tried to follow him. 

"Do not, my child," my father said as he held my shoulder, preventing me from following Chanyeol any further. "That is a broken man."

I turned to my father, "then allow me to fix him!"

"Alas, Anna, despite your close friendship with the Emperor," my father gave me a knowing look, "only time can heal his deep wounds."

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I did not believe my father. I believed I could help Chanyeol get over his grief. I would have never imagined I was feeding myself with sadness every time I tried. 

"Unnie," one of my attendants, SaeRa, whom I have gotten quite close to carefully slid open the door to my room, "we are almost done packing your clothes and books. I say, you French women and your French dresses, so puffy! I am having such a difficult time making them fit in your bags!" 

"But I need to bring all of them," I said pleadingly. 

She sighed, "fine, fine.... What about your hanboks? Are you not going to bring them with you?" She started rummaging through the pile of hanboks I have neatly kept in the farthest corner of my closet. 

"Of course not. We do not wear such things in France." 

"Nonsense! Wear them at home!" SaeRa exclaimed.

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"Simply seek the head seamstress when you are in need of a new hanbok," Chanyeol had snuck up behind me as I was reading in the palace' garden. I was surprised to see him as I had not been able to due to circumstances. He now wore the garb and ornaments of an emperor, carried a different aura and spoke in more formal tones but those petty things did not stop my heart from racing when our eyes met. Chanyeol did not sit beside me like he usually did. Instead, he had walked past and let his back face me.

The delightful breeze made the colorful spring flowers around us dance in harmony. The little semblance this moment had with our past had relaxed me. I said in brightly in my seat, "Your majesty, though I wish that, along the way, I do not become a source of expenditure for the empire, I accept your offer," -Then came back to mind the horrible turn of events-, "if it means keeping my promise."

Chanyeol turned to face me. He showed no emotions beneath his regal smile. "Lady Montailles, please do not be mistaken. I merely attend to the needs of those under me."

There it was again. 'Lady Montailles'. 

I was about to utter when Chanyeol had made his exit. He stopped near enough to let me hear him say "there is, unfortunately, no way we could ever stay by each other's sides."

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SaeRa finally pulled out a hanbok from the pile. "Are you sure you are not going to bring even this one?" SaeRa held up the very first hanbok I owned- the red and black one I wore during the former emperor's last birthday. 

"Especially not that one." I, too, sighed. "SaeRa, I do appreciate your enthusiasm to keep Joseon in my memory. I do not doubt, not even a little, that I will dearly miss this empire, the palace and everyone in it. But each of these hanboks represent pain and failure to me."

SaeRa kept silent for a moment. "Unnie, I understand that you started wearing hanboks to ease Emperor Chanyeol's pain. Do you not think he continued funding your expensive clothing because it did make him a little happy? Please think about it clearly." Before I could stop her, SaeRa took the hanbok and went out of my room, probably to pack it along with my French dresses. 

"Just one night more," I told myself. "And then everything will be as it once was." Only know the concept of "how it was" is completely lost to me. I stare at the small mirror in front of me and see an older version of the French girl I continually see in my memories. I am just not quite certain if it is still I. All the things that surround me do not belong to that French girl. Somehow, along the way, probably in the time she was discarded by the person she cared most for, she had lost herself and I am but a hopeless and empty shell held together by the little joy my leaving is about to give. 

The truth is I have given up on keeping my promise. I have stopped counting the times his cold words have hurt me. Soon I learned to act like they were not the one which had brought the tears that would not let me sleep at night, that I was just fine. I gave him all the love and understanding that I could and left none for myself. But nothing happened. Maybe deep down I knew I was never the solution and I just needed three long years to let that realization slap me. I have come to hate myself for still loving him despite all that had happened. I despise how I imagine myself as an old woman, maybe nearing her death and still regretting how I was unable to make an emperor love again. 

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It was the Emperor, garbed in all his golden glory- his shining crown held together by a smooth golden hair pin. The golden dragon etched on his royal robes glittered so much it seemed like it was alive and would fly and breathe fire. Anyone would believe it was Chanyeol, the Emperor, who, despite grieving, has successfully continued the peaceful and prosperous reign of his departed father. But I refuse to believe the same.

The day had started out so cheerfully. Everyone did their best to prepare a grand feast for the younger prince Kyungsoo's birthday, doing away with the former Emperor's tradition of simple celebrations. Of course everyone in the palace knew it was just a way to distract the prince as he had still not completely gotten over the loss of his father two years ago. I tried my best to keep a conversation with Sooyoung, one of the prime minister's daughters at the hall where we are having the birthday feast. But like the Prince Kyungsoo, I too have not gotten over the loss of a loved one. What is worse is that he is not completely lost. He is still there. I could see and hear him just fine. In fact, if it were any other person, I would have already gotten tired of seeing someone so often. But he is not. His presence distracts me from everything I do, including this conversation about some royalty the prime minister's daughter has started liking. Was it his skill with the sword or bow that made her swoon? Apparently, because her family was powerful, the royalty's family agreed to marry her. I am unsure about the facts of this story but I nod politely and act interested.

Just as Sooyoung's story was ending, the young prince awkwardly stood up to make a speech. He was still quite like how I had first met him- a bit too focused on himself. Black ink still stained the ends of his sleeves like it always has. It is truthfully quite strange how someone I had never even been incredibly close to had become the only remaining light of familiarity to the happy days that are now long gone. He cleared his throat and all conversations in the hall ceased. "I would like to thank each and everyone of you- the ministers, our valiant generals, our advisors, friends and family- for coming to my birthday feast tonight not out of duty or obligation, most importantly not because of political intent but out of genuine loyalty, love and concern for the royal family. It would be impolite to fail to honor and recognize all that you have done or are doing during my father and my brother's reign. However, I think it is best that, after this celebration, we revert to our simple ways. I may still seem young and naive especially to most of you who have seen me exchange my toys for a brush and now, slowly, a sword, but I am well aware that the grandeur of this feast was a noble plot to alleviate my grief. I do thank you for such effort however as a prince of Joseon, I do not think it wise to spend so much of the people's money for one boy's birthday."

By this time, everybody was clapping. The senior eunuchs and ministers glowed with pride. I, too, felt a slight tug in my chest. "I also wish for everyone to stop worrying so much about me. I will be fine. This palace and empire will be fine. I hope to enter a new age of happiness with all of you. Such reign will be commenced by my brother, the Emperor whom we all have so much to thank for..." Prince Kyungsoo said. Chanyeol's eyes were still dull but at the very least he pretended to be alive for those who could not discern that he was merely forcefully acting. Seeing him in his shining seat, surrounded by wonderful things and wonderful people, I thought, what good is a throne when you are forced to relinquish all your freedom, your feelings and all that you hold dear in order to be good enough to carry the world's burden? It breaks my heart to see him prevent himself from smiling and being happy in fear that, like that night of our first kiss and of his father's passing, his happiness would be exchanged for the world. Everyone was still cheering. The young prince continued, "Your Highness, my dear brother, I feel that no words would suffice to express Joseon's gratitude..." Prince Kyungsoo paused and turned to Chanyeol excitedly, "That is why, instead, I genuinely congratulate you on your marriage to Prime Minister Park's daughter! May you live a prosperous life with the new Queen!"

When I was a little girl, my parents would take me to the countryside every summer. There had been another girl there who, in my memory, became my closest friend, however crude that concept may be to a seven year old. We ritually played under the summer sun at the vineyard of some chateau. On one of these days, we were jumping, running and picking random sweet grapes. I got ahead of her. I remember looking back to the little voice that called my name and being blinded by the sweltering sun before I got to take a proper look. Her eyes were scared but accepting, sorrowful but delighted. Before I knew it, the maids of the chateau frantically ran towards her, catching her right before she fell to the ground. My ears buzzed as the screaming became hazier and hazier until the memory abruptly ends with a sad afterthought.

When I had finally processed the young prince's announcement of Chanyeol's marriage, my eyes darted to his majesty and the same thing had happened. Chanyeol was there staring straight into my eyes with a look that showed more emotions than he had expressed in two years: scared but accepting, sorrowful but delighted. My vision faded until I felt Sooyoung stand beside me and bow as the new queen to be. 

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“The Emperor is getting married today” my father whispered beside me at the ceremony. “It feels as if it was just yesterday that he was a boy and now…“ 

“Father, please,” I urged. "I have been made sufficiently aware. I had not seen the palace this colorful and alive since hours before the Late Emperor's death. There is no need to state what is happening right in front of us." I struggled to keep my tears from flowing as we were just some distance away from the Emperor and his bride-to-be. Park Sooyoung is a beauty from a noble family. An alliance like that could solidify Chanyeol's position and cheer up a mourning nation. She smiles and laughs at every merry thought. Chanyeol tries to act similarly although I can see right through him. 

“My dear daughter, I know that the turn of events does not please you but you should have been smart enough to have taken caution. Even if he loves you, his duty to this nation is bigger than himself. You and the Emperor could never…” I glared at my father.  

Came nightfall, just after the wedding supper, I made my way to the gardens, hoping I would freeze to death without any palace guard watching. As it turns out however, rice wine helps so much in keeping one warm. 

"Lady Montailles, it is not proper for a lady to drink alone this late in the palace," Chanyeol said behind me. 'Lady Montailles'- I have come to hate my own name because of him. "As it is also improper for a gentleman to wed someone when he loves another," I said before taking a sip. 

The silence that followed was heavy with tension. At last, he spoke, "It is, unfortunately, too big a sin for an Emperor to remain unwed and... to wed a foreigner... is out of the question." 

"I suppose you and my father think alike. Both of you love me, but neither wants to give me happiness; like teacher, like student." I sobbed after letting the thoughts I had been keeping escape my head and heart.

He sighed behind me. "I still love you dearly, Anna, but the empire needs me more and for that, and for everything, I genuinely apologize."

"And what if you need someone? Who will be there for you if you keep on pushing me away? If you do love me, then do not tell me falsehoods. Is the Chanyeol I fell in love with completely gone?"

"Yout Majesty?! Your Majesty?!" His bride's voice suddently came within earshot and soon enough, found us. "Chanyeol, I have been searching everywhere for you." She wraps Chanyeol's arm around hers. "Oh Lady Montailles! I have heard several things about you like the time you... uhm... well.. no.. or... no that does not seem right either... Ah! I found it fascinating that you have... uhm..." Sooyoung audibly whispered to Chanyeol, "Your Majesty, what does she do again?" Before he could answer, she exclaimed, "Oh I know! I am deeply impressed at how your father created the new irrigation system," followed by a visible sigh of relief. 

"I appreciate your effort to delight me Your Royal Highness, but I do not help my father in agricultural engineering and if the information helps, he specializes he in war tactics, not irrigation. Although, now that I think about it, I wouldlike to help my father someday. It would be a fruitful cause keeping foreign invaders from conquering the land, terrorizing the citizens, stealing the harvest, the women, ransacking the palace and ultimately KILLING the royal family which I sincerely congratulate you for now being a part of."

"I suppose so..." Sooyoung looked disgruntled. With her newly found confidence as Queen, she tugged on Chanyeol's sleeve. "Honey, I think it is time we head back to the festivities. People might start looking for us. I shall see you around, Lady Montailles."

Chanyeol hesitated to turn around. "Lady Montailles, about your question: he is not completely gone but I believe, for everybody's best interests, I shall make all efforts to get rid of him. I apologize if that is not what you want.

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Darkness had descended. The screen of my now empty room suddenly slid open.

"Chanyeol!" I called him by his first name in front of the guards in shock. He was pale, just like he has been ever since he stopped eating his meals. Since last month, when he no longer took the medicine the doctors were giving, he had always looked tired. There was, however, something a bit different about this moment. He actually had some emotion on his face aside from concealed pain. 

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I did not hear the guards' announcement that you would be entering." 

"Your father told me you were leaving at first light tomorrow," he said with a heavy breath. Chanyeol stood at the threshold and surveyed my quarters with a calculating expression. "So, it is true." and closed the door. Chanyeol quickly closed the distance between us and embraced me.

"Your Majesty, you-"

"Stop calling me that! I am Chanyeol. That is my name. That is what you call me," he pleaded before kissing my lips gently. I felt his tears fall. For the first time in three years, I felt the silk against his skin and the warmth of his tall stance. The frost of the three cold winters without him by my side all melted. I could not hold back my tears either. Hand in heart, we laid down on the lone bedding. "Anna, I need you and I have needed you beside me all these years but I was too afraid. Every night and for all nights to come, I wish it was like this, just you and me, some comfortable silence, and in the future, after putting our children to bed, we would reminisce about the days we were feeding fish."

"How many children do we have in your imagination," I asked innocently.

"Well, our eldest could be a boy. He could protect our next child, a daughter, too. The biggest achievement of all this is that Kyungsoo will love them dearly." 

I laughed at the thought. "That would truly be a spectacle to witness." I paused, "Would you teach them how to play the djembe like the Emperor used to?"

Chanyeol was deep in thought. "Yes, I will love them with all my heart just as I love you."

"These are wonderful thoughts, Chanyeol," I smiled sorrowfully, "But it is too magical and too reckless to dream like this when we know what is about to come when the sun awakes."

"I know," he sighed and pondered for a while before speaking again. "The queen is with child. They had just adviced us earlier."

His words felt like a full forced strike much more painful than anything he had said to manage my expectations over the past years. That was it, the finale, the one thing that spelled my defeat and it had come at just the right time of my leaving. I held his face in my hands just as the sun had starting peeking. "Then let that child have the life you imagined for our children, Chanyeol. Love him with everything, love him with the love you had reserved for me if we had only gotten the chance to grow old togther."

"I have more than enough love to give that child while loving you as we grow old apart. I'll even still love you in our next lifetimes, Anna."

"That is a grand promise, Chanyeol."

"Could I really not make you stay?" The tone of his voice was filled with desperation and regret. That single question is what I had wanted to hear from him all this time and if he had uttered them yesterday, I would have replied "just wish for me to stay and I gladly will." Yet now that I have decided wholeheartedly, I can not be happy for these words are too late. These are the words of a man with a wife and child to love, and with an empire to protect. I have imagined this over and over but I realize all the same, that he utters these words only because he is full of regret. He utters these words because maybe, when I leave, there will be no one left to believe that he is merely Chanyeol and not the stern and perfect Emperor he had imposed himself to be. I have decided that I will no longer be used for the pain of leaving at tomorrow's dawn is less than the pain of enduring seeing him force himself to be happy and held by another woman. 

We both stood up. "I apologize, Chanyeol, but nothing can make me stay when even our love will do everybody harm. Father was right all along. This is so much bigger than either of us." I finally admitted. "Also, if I had ever meant anything to you then promise me you will try to be happy. It would make our parting much less painful." I forced a smile and turned to my mirror to get ready. 

"Could you turn around for me," he asked. From behind, he had put a small locket around my neck. Inside were small portraits of us. After which, he once again embraced me. "I heard these were popular in France."

I turned around to face him. "Yes, they are. I promise to carry it with me wherever I go. I love you, too." 

"A maid is here to see Lady Montailles to the port, Your Majesty," the palace guard said.