Dear Diary,

Oh how I hated the sun today, but I think I prefered it to the nightmare of waking up. I don't recall how long I spent tossing and turning, trying to go back to sleep. To escape the harsh reality that awaited me beyond the red vein-lined curtain of my eyelids. 

Diary I was held last night. Oh God how I was held and caressed. His firm, hard body aligned perfectly with mine and the sounds that he played out of me from my very soul echo in my ears and haunt me during my waking hours. I swear even now I could feel his warmth against me, feel his thick, firm heat fill and stretch me until I'm gasping for air. His gentle rocking hips and smooth, yet fierce s working me up into absolute bliss. Oh how I was drunk with it. Those lips brushed along my jaw and oh the silky touch of them sent shivers down my spine. He consumed me, filled me, took me...and then reality made him leave me. 

I woke to a desperate sob ripped so deeply from my soul that I was alarmed to find it had been me who had screamed out. God no...it couldn't be. He was too real. I'd had him in my arms and the cruel sun ripped through him like light tearing apart darkness. The feeling of loss and abandonment...It's almost too much to bear. 

Today I am an empty shell of a man. I am living in a beautiful hell with the worst sort of punishment. 

The branding on my back itches and for the first time since getting a single bit of ink I want nothing more than to rip it off with my bare fingers. The burden and pain of that mark are becoming too much. The black ink staining and poisioning me. 

My alarm sounds and I finally pull my puffy eyes open, staring like a deadman at the sterile white ceiling. My duties in hell are calling, chasing away the whispered 'I love yous' from my mind. 

Jaejoong