I let out a long deep sigh. Here I am in my bedroom, not too glamorous nor too shabby bedroom. Like most male adolescents, I can't keep everything nice and neat, moreover I have long hours of work. But today is different. No work, just staying in the dorm, all day long. It had always been busy days so once I got sudden 3 days off, my body worked lousier. At least I did the dishes and vacuumed the living room; I call it subtitute work, just to make my muscle remains warm.

It's 10 and nobody is in the dorm with me. Minseok and Jongdae are having a practice in our studio and won't be back any minute. Yixing is really busy with his work in China. Jongin is in Los Angeles having his alone time while Chanyeol and Sehun are together in Japan. Probably Kyungsoo is still in his room but I remember him telling me about going to a bookstore today, but the dorm is really silent, maybe he has taken off earlier.

So here I am sitting on the edge of my tossled sheets. My eyes are staring at Jongin's empty bed across mine, while actually I don't think anything in particular, my mind is wandering elsewhere. It's blank, to be exact.

Until a ring from my phone break the comfortable silence. I remember that ring, it's his. His. My heart suddenly quickens, as if that ring is that gun shot starting a race I usually watched back then. It's a single ring that my phone's screen is off again. I am beyond shocked that I do a reality check; my fingers are 10, yes. The clock ticks normally, yes. The mirror shows my face, yes.

Yes, it is real.

 

"Hello, Junmyeon-ah."

 

It's him.

It's a single message. After a long time with no contact whatsoever. The message is so short but it has flipped something inside me. It doesn't feel good, nor does it feel bad. My stomach churns with anticipation, I have never felt so anxious before. I am sure I can hear my own heart drumming and it echoes in the room.

Time is running too fast and nothing moved.

 

"Are you busy?"

 

, if I don't reply, he will leave for good. He won't trust me anymore. Where else can I be true to myself other than in private messaging; where nobody can see me other than him and myself?

 

"I thought you forget me for good."

"I spent years together with you. How can I forget?"

 

Yes. How can we forget all those beautiful things? We began so beautifully; nobody knew about us, we could breathe freely, no one chased us, we were together in our cute perfect little circle. When fame had never been in our dictionary.

 

"How are the kids?"

"They are not kids anymore.

You said it before you left."

"Ah. Right."

 

It was Sehun's 20th birthday when suddenly you said you were done being his father figure for him. I know he is the cutest baby in the group. He always followed you. As he grew, somehow he grew much, much like you. If only you can see him right now. He's so tall, his height might surpass yours. I thought you being done with being his father figure didn't mean you would leave us all.

Actually, you didn't leave. You stayed behind. There were a lot of people while suddenly your hand slipped out of my grasp and everything was blurry. People, people, camera shutters, flashes, we were late as we boarded the plane hurriedly. Your luggages were there, you were not.

 

"Junmyeon-ah, are you still mad at me?"

 

I don't even know what to feel anymore. Everytime I hear your name, everything around me starts to spin and my eyes become watery for whatever reason I can't put my finger on. I can't look at the internet anymore. I can't lift myself to take a walk to get fresh air without getting scared of people coming after me. I want to shut myself inside my room and lock myself. Actually, I did. I really did it. But I have the whole group to take care of. So I stood there by myself, trying to keep all my tears inside.

Minseok-hyung has always been the strong one. He must've helped you a lot too. He could've been the real leader. He had always rejected that offer.

Do you know your didi, Tao, left too? His father took him back, he didn't like how his son work for the group. He couldn't stand looking at his son beating himself, crushing his own body for the sake of popularity and thousands of unknowns.

 

"No, I'm not."

 

You had that thought too, didn't you? You hated it, didn't you?

 

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I left you alone."

 

Never did you know how much pain you gave us. Even when Luhan left too, we felt no pain at all. We had learnt our lesson, we learnt to shut our mouths, our ears, and our eyes. It was comfortable and we let those pain wash away with time. We learnt to stand up again.

You know how ed up our society now, right, Kris? And you had had enough of it. We had to do it. We just had to. It's how it works. They make us grow so big, and that's how we pay them back.

But we've never tasted the fruit from the trees we planted.

Silly me, we are the trees. It's obvious.

 

"I still have the others with me. I'm not alone."

"You did a right thing. You are brave."

"One has a right to choose what

he wants to do to earn a living."

 

We only work hard to bear the fruits for them.

 

"If only I can change how they treat us."

"You tried. I'm grateful you did. But this is how we work,

Kris. You just didn't know it."

"I'm glad you understand."

"We're partners, we're together for a long time.

I know how you think, and I think you are not

a crazy workaholic like us."

"It's like a curse."

 

It's like a curse indeed. How we worship fame and public adoration for far too much from healthy portion. It is unhealthy. Sometimes I think of quitting as well. But if I were to quit, I have nowehere to go. If I were to quit, what will happen to the others? Do we really have no future? Are we really stuck here; in this golden abyss?

 

"I know you know what you're doing."

"I wish you happiness. You're a good man, Joonmyeon-ah."

 

What is this. Is this conversation ending? No. No no no no.

I don't want it to end.

I don't want to...

He is.. they.. they are all precious for me. They are my friends no matter what happen.

Let the world scream as it please because they are blind. They know nothing. They demand explanation, but whether it's there or not, it won't change anything, nor how many harmful words they would throw to us. It's no use.

                                             

"Don't go."

 

"You know I can't stay. You all know I can't."

 

"I understand."

"We're still friends, right?"

"Of course. We can chat here when we have time. ^^"

"I have to go now. My flight is here. Bye, Junmyeon-ah ^^"

 

Haha. He didn't change.

 

"Thank you, Kris.

I did.

I buried my face in both my palms. No more message from him. He must be so busy. My palms begin to feel wet and warm.

I can't believe emptiness can feel so heavy. Those places you used to be are cold and silent. You don't even bother take back all your goods and those things are suffocating me. I don't even dare come into your room. One, two, three missing friends but you guys are all I have. I have no more friends, it hurts when you have to leave.

But it's too late. What's done is done. No turning back. You owe me none.

The only one constricting my heart.. is myself.

Silly me.