Jessica didn’t contact me at all after that day, and I didn’t even see her out and about either. The closest I ever got to seeing her was some old pictures on my phone that didn’t really make up for the fact that I might have lost someone who meant so much for me in such a stupid way.

The messages I left are probably ignored or deleted, I am pretty sure, yet I couldn’t stop myself from calling her anyway, just hoping that she would pick up the phone. Hoping that maybe she could find some way to talk to me, even if she couldn’t forgive me… I just wanted my best friend, who I wasn’t sure if I wanted to call a lover, back.

It had gone eight days, nine hours and ten minutes since that day where everything went for the worst, but hey, who’s counting? It must have been the longest we went without contacting each other, and that said a lot when it came to us because we would always find a way to communicate, whether it would be by phone or in person.

I lied on my bed, facing the ceiling knowing that I had to do this right one way or another, because the dull pain inside was getting ridiculous and so was waiting for that she would come around. I had a pretty sure feeling that she wouldn’t come around for a long while if I didn’t do something. If ever, to be honest.

Although she does have a lot of pride for the most of the time, I know that she was probably too mad or sad to even want to talk to me because as stupid as I was, I said those harsh words because I thought it would make sense… sort of. And I didn’t blame her for ignoring me, and I supposed I deserved it because what I said that day was so unnecessary that I still had trouble now figuring out why I did it.

Maybe I was too pressured? What would my family say? What would people say?

I wanted to be as carefree as Jessica was when it came to her uality, but I was not even sure of what I was or if I even wanted to figure out either. Am I straight? Lesbian? Biual? Or am I something else? There were too many terms for me to contemplate about.

I looked out the window, the dark sky covered by equally as dark clouds and I could only sigh by the fact that it was the ninth night I had spent without Jessica. It was getting weird, too weird in fact because I found myself restless and I had nothing to do, other than replaying everything I said and the things I did wrong.

I wanted my best friend back; I wanted to do everything to get her back, but the fact of a possible relationship seemed to hold me away. Maybe it was because I feared the fact of being disowned by my family, or that Jessica would be too hurt to even want to try to work whatever we had out. Not even I was sure if I wanted her as a friend or as something more, but I knew that I at least wanted her back in my life.

So why couldn’t I decide one or another?

Would it work out either way? My mind was a complete chaos by that point as I sat by the desk, looking up at the sky, wondering how I could fix this mess. My mind went through a thousand thoughts at once, before a certain sentence came to mind.

“I’ve got to be free, and I can’t be free in the way I want to if I have somebody expecting that much of me,”

Jessica didn’t ask for a lot, as long as she got her freedom, and it was something she took highly. That was probably one of many reasons for her commitment issues, except for her past with her father, but why did she of all people want to be with me, if she wanted to be free?

Granted, it was a while ago since she said it, but her carefree personality didn’t fade away one bit during that time and neither did her philosophy it seemed. What made her change?

I felt like calling her. I wanted to find out, I wanted to know more and more because the more I thought of it the more confused I became. I had a million questions, but no answers. But even though how many times I would call to reach her, I wouldn’t get an answer either way; not for my questions, and not her voice answering the phone.

She’d shut herself away from me as if she didn’t know me and it hurt. It hurt so much that it kept me up at night and I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t have the guts to go to her place and ask for her, and I’m sure I didn’t have the strength or courage to do so tonight. But I needed to talk to her no matter what, but I didn’t know how.

I sighed whilst turning on the radio on my desk, not caring if it would awake my parents or not as I sat there tapping my feet to the beat of some song I had never heard of. It was slow, some type of break up song that I really didn’t need to hear at this state. But the song ended before I could switch channels, and I decided to let it be as I leaned my head on the surface of my desk while barely paying attention to whatever the radio DJ was saying.

I was about to doze off to the background music and the DJ’s soft voice, until I heard something that sparked up my interest, making me lift my head immediately to clear my mind and listen.

“And to all of our late night listeners tuning in on XYZ radio station, we remind you that if you have a message or a song request to a special someone, simply dial this number…”

XYZ sounded so familiar, and it took me second or two to remind myself that this is Jessica’s favorite radio channel and she always listened to this station around this time. I couldn’t contain myself from thinking that yes, this could be my moment, as I hoped tonight wouldn’t be any different from her usual nights.

Then the host started babbling about something else, as I could only scamper around my room to find my phone, before dialing the number to that specific radio station, hoping they would answer or that the line wouldn’t be busy.

It took a while, but soon enough I heard a voice answer and the echo of the radio host’s voice from the speakers. “And hello line 3; how are you doing tonight?”

I could feel myself swallowing because I had no idea what to say, as I didn’t really plan this through, and I was never one for making things up at the spot. But I knew it was now or never, so I inhaled before trying to make a coherent reply despite how nervous I was.

“Hey there, I’m… okay I guess. Maybe a little below, but not too bad,” I said and I wanted to bang my head on the wall over how stupid that sounded. For a moment I thought of hanging up, but I still had that feeling that if she was listening, she would finally hear what I had to say.

The DJ chuckles a bit on the other line before continuing to speak. “So I assume something happened, line 3… Do you have a specific request in mind?” the male voice asked, and I inhaled deeply yet again before trying to think this through a bit.

“I’d like to request a song for someone who I screwed everything up with, and somehow I hope that this person will one day find the heart to forgive me… although I would understand if it would be impossible,” I began as I started chewing my lower lip a bit in nervousness. What if she wasn’t listening?

“And I have a feeling that Disconnected by 5 seconds of summer is a song that could work,” I finished off lamely, and I wasn’t sure if it even made sense or if it was the right song, but I knew it was some English song she listened to by that band. I only remember the words Disconnected, and her soft voice singing along to it not too long ago.

“Well, let’s hope that whoever you are trying to reach will hear this message and song,” the host says before the faint intro of the song begins to play as he continues to speak. “I hope you have a pleasant night ahead, and good luck,” the host said and I smiled slightly, before saying goodbye as the song started playing on the radio. And I could only pray that she would hear that message and understand that it was me although I never mentioned my name.

I sat there and I’m sure half of the song had passed as I stared at my phone, but still nothing. I couldn’t bite back the disappointment thus far, but I decided to be patient because maybe, just maybe she’d call.

The last chorus kicked in after a while, but still no message or call, and my hope started to vanish little by little as I slowly turned off the radio and fell down on my bed, preparing for a whole night of mortification until I heard three knocks on my window.

Three knocks on my window…

It couldn’t be, could it?

I found myself nearly jumping off my bed and almost tripping towards the window, ready to apologize immediately to her until I noticed that there was no one there, except for the dark view of the garden.

I furrowed my brows, had I imagined the sound?

Then I heard someone cough slightly too awake attention, before I turned my gaze downwards to see a familiar figure dressed in a black hoodie and worn out jeans despite the slightly hot summer night. Still, without make up or anything she still looked great, and for a moment it felt unreal to see the girl I missed for a while suddenly right there.

“Get your down here, or I’m going up there to drag your down here,” she said simply, but I couldn’t tell if she was trying to be friendly or hostile, because it honestly sounded like an odd mix of both.

Either way I got the message, as I put on some sweat-shorts and kept the t-shirt I had on before grabbing my sneakers, and keys just in case, before jumping towards the tree and climbing down to stand in front of Jessica. She didn’t say a word, but she nodded towards the gates before walking away, and I could do nothing but follow her wherever she intended to go.

We didn’t walk far, luckily as the silence was very tense, before she stopped by the curb and then stood on the grass. It was the same spot that one time she went skateboarding and she bought us ice cream. I stood in front of her, keeping my distance just in case so I wouldn’t make her mad; I didn’t want to push my luck.

The silence dragged on for a while, until suddenly she took a step ahead to stand closer to me, the outline of her features illuminated by the streetlights above. We stayed silent for a moment more, before she suddenly lifted her hand and I felt a stinging pain on my cheek.

Jessica placed her hand down as I could only bring mine to touch the spot she slapped me. It wasn’t really all that hard of a slap, it was kind of heartless actually as if she didn’t care if it hurt or not, but it was more the surprise and the sudden pain that shocked me.

“Well, guess I deserved that one,” I said after a while to face her again, her face void of emotion and eyes unreadable, a gaze I couldn’t stand as we stood there. I wanted to read her thoughts, understand what she was thinking; feeling… but I had no single clue in that moment.

“I’ve wanted to do that for nine days now,” Jessica started before tilting her head a bit to the side. “But after I heard you on the radio, the urge was too strong to ignore,” she finished and that was not really the response I expected at all, although I wasn’t sure of what I expected actually.

“Maybe it wasn’t my best idea…” I shared, my voice trailing off before I continued to speak, my curiosity taking over. “But why did you do that?” I asked a bit dumbfounded, and I could hear her chuckling bitterly in response.

“Because it wasn’t enough getting a hundred messages, calls and me thinking about you 24/7,” she admitted and I could only widen my eyes in surprise. “I had to hear you on the ing radio as well, which is my only get away from real life. And since you’ve been so damn persistent I figured I’d have to do something sooner or later,” she concluded as I could only stand there seriously confused of what I just heard.

Had she been thinking of me that much? For a moment I thought she avoided every thought to do with me whatsoever.

“So you came here 2 in the morning just to do that?” I asked for a lack of other things to say, and she simply shrugged. “It was either that or going inside your room to slap you, but I was nice enough to give you some fresh air for that mark,” Jessica replied as if it was a legit answer to the random act, but considering what I just did I couldn’t blame her logic at all.

“You are a weird human being,” I muttered while nursing the now slowly subduing sting on my face, as I sat down on the slightly damp grass, knowing the rain would come soon, but I didn’t care. Jessica followed suit, sitting down not too close, but not too far away either. “Guess we both are,” she said and I could only nod in agreement.

Then silence fell over us again for a long time as I tried to process the fact that this was real, and that Jessica was talking to me again although I wasn’t really sure what to make of this situation at all.

“Jess?” I called out, hoping she wouldn’t mind the nickname.

“Tiff?” she asked back a bit teasingly, and I figured that was a good thing because at least she tried to lighten up the otherwise serious mood. I only looked at her before sighing, wondering how to ask her.

“Why?” was the only thing I could say, and I turned around so I wouldn’t face her anymore, although I figured she was confused. “Why did you like me?” I filled in, and another moment of silence passes before I hear some shuffling, and for a moment I almost thought she was standing up to leave, but she moved to sit in front of me instead.

“What do you want me to say?” she said after a while, trying to make eye contact. “Because of your eyes, beauty or personality or some like that?” she continued and I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Jessica sighed then.

“I have no ing clue to be quite honest; you’re religious, your favorite color is pink, you like dresses and you spread the ketchup all over your fries,” she started, trying to move away some of her brown hair from her face as a water droplet fell on my forehead.

“And I hate the way you can’t make up your mind or how damn slow you are sometimes,” she then adjusted her sitting pose and only then did I dare look towards her face, but not into her eyes as she continued to state other things of me that only made me feel slightly worse than before.

“I also hate how you can read me so easily at times, and how you make me smile for the dumbest reason because you are stupid, and your random needs for touching and how soft and warm you are because that really makes me want to hold you close and I hate cuddling so, so much.”

I could barely believe my ears as I heard her continue her little rant, as my eyes were focused on the spot between her nose and lips, wondering what more she had to say. But even then I could feel my heart beating a bit faster, and I almost ignore the falling drops that seem to fall above us.

“And the most ed up thing is that I hate the thought of having one person and monogamy and everything that involves commitment, and you want to find the perfect man and become married and kids. I hate that I want to be free, but at the same time I only want you, and it bothers me to no end.”

The moment she uttered those words, I thought I was going to pass out because although she mostly said the things she disliked about me, I oddly enough felt butterflies in my stomach. It felt as if she was rather complimenting me in some weird way that didn’t even make sense, because it didn’t sound like hate, it sounded like something else.

Then suddenly I feel two warm hands cup my face, bringing me closer until I was looking into a pair of all too familiar eyes that showed something entirely different than what she said, but I didn’t want to say it. I had a feeling that the fluttering inside my whole body said enough.

“I also hate that no matter what; it feels like I’ll never fully get you no matter what I do,” she ended it there, and then it fell silent for a while as I tried to make sense of this. This had to be the most words she had ever uttered to me in our entire friendship, because I had never heard her say that much before as long as I had known her.

And the only thing I could do was take one of my hand upon hers, ignoring the increasing droplets falling upon us as I could only smile. I couldn’t even get myself to utter a single word because there wasn’t really anything to say except that I want you to have me, no matter how long that will last.

“This is the part where you’re supposed to say something, Tiff,” Jessica said after a while, and I could only continue to smile slightly.

I couldn’t help it as I sat there with cold rain running down my face, soaking my clothes until they clung uncomfortably, like a heavy layer of second skin. Chills ran down my spine by the cold, despite the slight warmth I got from Jessica’s hands.

“I hate that you don’t believe in commitment,” I replied softly after a while. “I hate that you’re too blunt at times and that you have about one facial expression, but…” I trailed off, still smiling as I saw her patiently waiting for me to continue, and I could only wait for her to do the same, as her lips tugged to a smile as well.

“I like the summer rain, I like the sounds you make,” I said as I could see her chuckling slightly. “You are my getaway, you are my favorite place,” I continued on placing my other hand on top of hers. “I like how we put the world away when we’re together.”

Then I could see her grinning, before laughing hard, hands slowly letting go of my face and I could only join her as we sat there, laughing like maniacs in the middle of the night outside the rain.

“You just quoted the chorus to that song,” Jessica said after we calmed down, looking straight at me again. “That’s not what I would call original,” she continued and I only rolled my eyes before grabbing the front of her shirt softly.

“Shut up, kiss me, and prove to me that this is right for both of us,” I said slowly, before leaning forward and I could feel her doing the same as I closed my eyes and felt warm lips on mine. We kissed slowly, but it was more passionate than before as I could almost see fireworks blow off in my mind of darkness, my grip nearly weakening by the sensation that filled my body as we continued.

 “This is so chick-flick material,” was the first thing she said when we parted with her face still close to mine. I could only laugh before playfully shoving her off me to get up, feeling my clothes drenched and attached to my skin by the downpour. Jessica followed suit, with a small smirk as we stood there.

“You know my mother isn’t home,” she said after a while as I rolled my eyes because I saw it coming; nothing really mattered for her as long as she got what she wanted. She’s like that really; she pounces and she takes what she wants, and doesn’t seem to give up until she has it.

Maybe that’s why we’d never work together in the long run; she’s too fast, too independent, too prideful and too much, all at once. She in giving advice that doesn’t involve drinking or violence, and sometimes she’s too direct, too cold.

But I like her laugh, and her bad puns, and the way she would get up and try again after she falls off the skateboard. And the way she kissed and touched and smiled…

She made me realize and discover a part of me that I didn’t even know existed; a part of me that my parents were ashamed of. Before her, I hadn’t even realized that I was running with a chain dragging behind me, hiding who I really was.

 “Now this is what most people find romantic and all, but can we please go inside? I’m freezing to death and I’d rather shower,” she said before letting go and I only shrugged. I simply looked at her, laughing a bit before walking towards the direction we came from, only to not hear any footsteps behind me. I turned around to see her standing there; sulking a bit and I could only chuckle.

“I thought this was an invitation to shower together, but if you don’t want to then I’ll go home,” I faked nonchalantly as I stepped forward, and it only took a second before I could hear her catching up from behind me, until she stood right next to me. I looked at her, smiled before grabbing her hand, and heading off towards her house.

“Wow, if I’d knew you’d get so clingy I would’ve said no,” Jessica muses as I could feel her looking at our hands and I simply shoved her a bit. “You like it,” I mentioned, and while laughing she pulled me just a bit closer as we walked down the street in the middle of the night and the rain.

“That’s not the only thing I like,” she said with a tighter grip around me, her voice playful yet serious at the same time, and I could feel those butterflies in my stomach once again by the fact that this was real.

Then, in that moment I figured that maybe I liked her in ways that no one could understand… Maybe I didn’t even understand myself at times because I wasn’t sure where this would lead us. How far will this relationship go? Will it end with tears or mutual understanding? Will these problems we had now interfere with us later?

These thoughts were on my mind, wandering around until the moment she stopped to kiss me again, without reason and without comprehension, but with full acceptance as I could only wrap my arms around here in the middle of the street.

Then I thought, why make it more complicated than what it really was? It was not possibly forever, but it was a start, and that should be the one thing that mattered the most in that moment.

Besides, tomorrow will come, and if I’m lucky she’ll come around too.