I’m not really sure when these… dreams occurred.

Maybe, I was about fourteen perhaps, when I noticed that I for one probably wasn’t as straight as I liked to believe.

It was just a normal night of blissful, much needed sleep, when a certain dream of my female, same best friend and her lips on mine invaded my mind. When I woke up, I simply shrugged it off as a one-time thing, perhaps my imagination and hormones living their own life. Besides, it wasn’t as if anybody had to know.

It was only when I was seventeen, over some weed and cheap booze that I had to realize that having reoccurring dreams about having with your female, same gendered best friend for almost three years is not just a one-time thing I can shrug off anymore.

It wasn’t as if I was that interested in her. Sure, she’s pretty, and hot, and she’s funny at times and I love being with her, but I couldn’t see myself looking at her in that way. Growing up in a Christian family, being with the same gender like that was never really an option, and as I face the old, dusty and yellow ceiling lamp in her room, I start to wonder about these… things again.

My best friend is no other than Jessica; we’ve known each other ever since we were twelve after attending the same summer camp and discovering that we’ve lived quite close to each other all along, we just never crossed paths because we still went to different schools. After that day, we’ve been what most people like to say “attached to the hip”, although I wouldn’t say we took it that far, but then again I never really thought much of it until now.

“Tiff... Are you still thinking about passing me that Cherry Coke, or?” the person of thought herself asks, looking over at me as she passes me the joint, almost as an exchange for the beverage right next to me. I simply roll my eyes, smoke evading the small of her room as we lie on the floor, legs propped up and lying on the bed. I hand the soft drink over to Jessica, and take the joint in return, before taking a hit as I look up at that dusty old lamp.

My mind, although a bit cloudy, wanted to ask her about these… thoughts, although not in a way that made it look as if I was that into her or something. But as a seventeen year old I never got much action, at least not compared to other teenagers, and can admit that I’ve never kissed a guy and have definitely not slept with one. Not that I was in a hurry, but I was getting a bit restless almost, wondering when was it going to be my turn?

Jessica is by far more experienced than I am and as of now, more than I’ll ever be. Through the years I’ve heard her interesting stories of her hook ups from here and there, mostly girls, but some boys. She’s been openly biual since last year, for the record, something that made her both lose and gain the people around her. I’ve never minded, really, love is love, but what I have slightly minded was the fact that I almost felt relieved when she said it.

I take another drag of the blunt in between my fingers to erase the thoughts, and I part my lips, intending to ask her about how that hideous exam went before - “What’s like?”  I asked instead, and I would’ve probably facepalmed hard enough to earn a mark on my forehead, had I not felt so lazy.

She snorts as a reply, nudging me to give her the joint before answering. “ is ; it’s pretty ing great if you ask me, but depends on who you’re doing it with,” Jessica replies, a little sort of raspy feeling to her otherwise soft voice, before taking another drag.

She lets the smoke escape her nostrils first, before she parts her lips to have another puff exit throughout there. I honestly don’t know why I’m staring, for the record.

“I guess,” I say after a while as I fix my gaze upon the ceiling again, and suddenly I hear some movement. “Need any advice?” she asks and I simply shake my head. She lets out a hum, before I hear her take another swig of what most likely is the booze in her water bottle. “Actually, I just wonder…” I start, and trail off a bit after that. How could I appropriately ask her about something so personal? Sure she is pretty open, but even I know she has her limits, but knowing that since I’ve already started I can’t really stop.

“Guys or girls?” I said, which may sound a bit vague, but I know she understands what I mean by it. She stays silent for a second or two before answering; “I don’t really care, as long as I get an .”

I start laughing, because that is such a typical… way Jessica answers, I think to myself as we lie there. After a while of laughing and small chuckles filling the air, she offers me the booze before continuing. “I can tell you this though; first of all are really, really weird,” she starts and I laugh a bit again, almost spitting out the bitter taste of alcohol from my mouth as I took a swig. “Second, girls are much easier to understand physically, but hell; even I don’t get girls and their thinking sometimes, so I’ve ended up with more than what I bargained for to say the least.”

Another thing about Jessica is her issue with commitment; she’d rarely see the same person twice, and she’d never had anything really serious. Sure, she had some flings that she said lasted for maximum a month, but other than that nothing. It was almost as if she couldn’t stand the thought of being in a routine, or held down in anyway. “I’ve got to be free, and I can’t be free in the way I want to if I have somebody expecting that much of me,” she said once not too long ago, but I kind of knew it wasn’t about that; maybe partially, but it wasn’t the full story.

“What? Are you in doubt?” Jessica awakes me from my train of thought, and as I snap out of it, I place the bottle away as I try to think of a decent response. Am I really? As long as I can remember I have always considered myself straight because well, I’ve always liked boys. Sure there are many pretty girls, and maybe I have been curious once or twice, but I’ve never really seen myself actually ending up with one of the same .

It was a tough question, really, as I lied there contemplating on what to say.

As impatient as she always is, Jessica gives me a playful nudge on the shoulder. “I’ll make it easier then; you want to kiss girls?” she asks instead, and I find myself slightly giggling again although I don’t really know why.

I avert my gaze from the light on the ceiling and over to what I can see of my legs, clad in dark jeans, as I start thinking again. Taking another drag of the now slightly smaller joint, I exhaled with hopes that I’d have an answer to it.

I averted my gaze towards the fair skinned girl, and the reoccurring thoughts and dreams I’ve had of her recently appeared again. The kisses, the skin contact that felt so real even if it wasn’t… Maybe I should’ve been honest.

But how the hell do you tell your best friend that you’ve been having wet dreams about her?

“No, not really,” I partially lie, taking another hit as my mind tried to focus on the conversation at hand and not what seemed to look like dancing shadows above the ceiling.  “But,” I start before I can even register that I’m speaking. “I wonder how it would be to kiss you.”

When those words left my mouth I felt like slapping myself because did I just say that out loud? And how the hell is she even going to respond to this?

I pass the silence with another puff of smoke, before I pass the joint over to her again, who’s probably as stoned as I am, as she takes another drag wordlessly. Then I hear her swallow hard once, twice, but she doesn’t seem to do anything more.

And in that moment I believe we would just leave it at that, but after another huge inhale, she turned around, eyeing me slightly. “We should totally try that,” she replied, and for a moment I wasn’t really sure if she was joking or not, but as I looked into her eyes I noticed that she wasn’t, and that was where the thrill and fear crept through me all at once.

And we did try; once or twice maybe, in the middle of her room with our legs on the bed and our backs on the floor, lying on my side, looking at the spot between her lips and nose, wondering what to do before I just dove into it before I could rationalize the situation clearly.

It wasn’t those cute pecks, or as romantic as I imagined my first kiss to be at all; which was in the rain with most notably, a guy.  It wasn’t even in a comfortable position; it was awkward as hell lying there with my arm squeezed between my side and the floor. And we bumped our noses together, and she tasted like cheap booze and sickly sweet Cherry Coke, and her clothes reeked of the weed we were sharing, and the humid summer air hung around us like always.

I expected a lot of things for a first kiss, especially mine; most importantly that they’d be gentle and soft. Sometimes I even expected it to be a prelude to something else, to something more. But this kiss right now, had a meaning of its own, and it was almost as if it marked the beginning of something important, that I just couldn’t grasp yet.

It wasn’t what I imagined at all; still, it was one of the best things I had ever experienced.

I like the summer rain

The next time we saw each other was two days later, and we had spoken as we’d always do, yet it still felt a bit odd knowing what happened. It’s not as if I remember it very clearly, for that would be a lie, but I remember something about girls and suddenly we were kissing on the floor.

Now, as I’m walking on the pavement next to Jessica attempting to skateboard on the street, the diffusive memories of that night come back to me as we act like nothing.

I wanted to talk about it, but as of now, I figured it wouldn’t be such a good idea.

“You can’t expect me to hold your hand whenever you feel like skateboarding, Jess,” I said as a matter of fact, watching her trying to balance on the board while I was walking slowly. The summer sun shone onto our skin, and the heat made my t-shirt a bit damp and it clung onto my skin a bit.

“I wouldn’t have had to, had you not been so afraid of me falling all the time,” she retorts, and I chuckle slightly as we get close to the swing which would lead us to the local convenience store. “It’s not my fault your balance ,” I reply and she simply laughs as she almost stumbles while trying to kick her leg so she can gain speed. I almost smile at her determined eyes, letting go of my hand that I reluctantly loosened up, knowing that it wouldn’t end well, but I let her do it anyway.

She was actually doing okay; she made the short distance from where I was standing to the turn before she fell off and landed on her side, as usual. Laughing slightly I walk with faster steps before I stand above her, lending a hand, but knowing her she would just shake it off and get up on her own. This time was no exception.

As she dusted off the grime and pebbles that landed on her bare legs, due to the shorts she was wearing, I laugh again before stepping closer. “You seriously have to work on your balance, as I’ve said a hundred times before,” I said, still chuckling as I help her get rid of the dust on her jacket and shorts.

It’s not something exactly, new, but as I think of what happened for not too long ago it almost felt different and not what it used to. Especially with the fact that I remember admitting I wanted to kiss her, and not the other way around.

Awkwardly I get rid of my hands, and she continues dusting herself off until she looks decent, and then I notice the scratches and wounds on her left leg. That was definitely going to form a bruise in the morning, but I don’t say it out loud as she steps on the skateboard again.

“One day, I’m going to have to take you to the hospital,” I say as she starts speeding up again, just as clumsy as before, but this time she doesn’t fall and simply jumps off before she can totally lose balance. I laugh again before I catch up. “You are seriously so mean,” she says as if she was offended, although I know she isn’t, and I roll my eyes.

She smiles by that, and for a moment I get a bit surprised because it almost didn’t look like the Jessica I’ve known since I was twelve, but more like another version of her that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I didn’t know what to say in that moment anymore.

“You know what,” she says as she collects the now forgotten skateboard in her hands and places it down again. “If I make it to the convenience store without falling, you are buying me ice cream,” she challenges; it’s not a day without Jessica if there isn’t some kind of bet involved. But then again, that it was made it so typically her. “I really doubt you’re going to make it that far.”

And I was right as she fell not once, but two times more on the way, and I couldn’t help but smile in triumph as we stood by the cashier, hearing her grumble a bit as she took her wallet to pay for not only two ice creams, but also two sodas.

“You’re always thirsty, aren’t you?” Jessica asks and for a moment I almost took it the wrong way, but remember quickly that it was not like that she was thinking of. I simply smile as cutely as I can; shrugging before skipping to the end of the wagon to collect what was mine before looking out the window. Most of the sun was now covered by light clouds, meaning it would probably rain soon, but it was still a very hot day. Maybe there’d be thunder.

As we walk towards the grass near the street and sit down, only then do I really take the time to actually look at Jessica, who’s not focused on constantly switching the song she’s blasting from her phone to something she actually wants to listen to. Her eyes are hidden behind some shades, her hair tied up in a messy bun as her thumb is repeatedly tapping the next button.

When she finally settles for a song, some pop rock song she’d been obsessed with lately, I end up looking at the sky instead. “That cashier was totally checking you out,” I say just to start a conversation, the strawberry Popsicle already slightly runny. I hear Jessica laugh from beside me through the music. “He’s been doing that for the last week now; he probably thinks I’m interested or something like that,” she replies while on some vanilla and chocolate ice cream cone.

“Well, are you?” I ask, trying not to focus on her lips and rather on the grass and the road in front of her. She simply seems to shake her head. “Totally not my type,” she says simply before the music takes over the silence.

And for a moment I want to wonder what and how her type is like; is it the confident, loud type of person she likes? Or does she prefer cool, suave kind of people? I’ve rarely interacted or even seen most of the people she’s been with, but that’s mostly because she doesn’t really bother introducing them either. They seemed to just be temporary; and she didn’t appear too connected with them either way.

Then in that moment I wondered; was I the same? Did she do it just because she knew I was curious and just wanted to be nice, or did she actually want to kiss me? I wanted to ask, but before I could the loud shrill of her phone ringing interrupted us, before she answered the phone and spoke curtly towards whoever it was.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in ten,” she says before hanging up, and she gives me a sorry look before standing up. “Family dinner,” she says and I simply sigh before getting up myself. “Are you seriously going to skateboard the whole way back?” I ask, almost wanting to knock my head to the floor as I watch her stand upon it.

“How can I learn if I don’t actually do it?” she asks and I simply roll my eyes. “Whatever,” I dismiss as we start moving towards the direction of her home, and without even thinking I find myself grabbing her arm and waist to steady her, so she won’t easily fall off again. I don’t know why I do it, but it would be too weird to let go now, and besides she’s warm and soft, and maybe it’s okay not to think too much.

She doesn’t say anything about it, but just continues on proving a point that she’s going to be the next Tony Hawk (which I really doubt but who knows), and other trivial stuff that she discussed.

“Are you coming over later tonight?” she asks once we’re standing outside her door, and for a moment I simply look at her, before slightly shrugging. “Maybe, depends on when my parents go to bed,” I reply and she nods. “Well, I’ll text you later.”

And as we stand there I notice something really odd; the fact that she leans in for a hug, and although it would be normal with anyone else that was not the case for Jessica. She rarely hugs me, let alone people, but sometimes like once in a blue moon she would, and today was that day, although I didn’t really know why.

As I return the gesture and she’s about to pull away, I try to ignore the fact that her lips were dangerously close to the corner of my mouth and that for a moment I was actually looking at her lips, almost wanting her to go closer.

But she didn’t, and stepped away with a slight smile before walking inside, and then I noticed my quickened heart beat and the fact that whatever that was, just happened.

I like the sounds you make

I wasn’t really bothered with the fact until the next night we hung out.

It was the same as any other late night hangout time for us. Only this time we were sitting on her porch facing the back yard, some lights hanging on the walls so we wouldn’t be completely swallowed by the darkness. We ditched the booze for soda, but she still had some extra weed left, and it ended up being put to use as always.

Some say, or more specifically my parents, say she’s a bad influence on me and they’re glad I’m not “talking” to her anymore (I lied about that when I was fifteen, they don’t actually know that we’re still hanging out). Funny thing is that except for this, we don’t actually do anything remotely badass; we usually just hung out and talked, really.

But sometimes, the talking could go a bit too far, especially with weed in my system.

"Do friends even kiss each other?" I asked despite my hazy judgement, almost laughing and knowing the answer yet needing a confirmation. She shifted on her position beside me, took another hit, and exhaled the smoke.

"Sometimes," she says after a while, and turned around to face me fully, her back now leaning on the wall behind her. I lied there on my back; looking up at the night sky, knowing that she was most definitely lying because friends like us don’t, but I don't say anything.

Another moment passes by and we’re already over halfway finished with the joint before I suddenly feel her moving closer, just to hover over me. I turn my body to face her as well, studying the soft features in her face. And as I take in her light brown eyes, her pale skin, her seemingly soft lips I don’t even think anymore, but slowly I start leaning in towards her.

“Do friends kiss each other here?” I asked slowly, placing a soft peck on the right side of her neck, before pulling away to look up at her. She simply looked at me, before lightly shaking her head. “No, they don't,” she replied curtly, yet her voice was soft. I simply looked at her again, before leaning in to kiss the left side of her neck.  

“Do friends kiss each other there?” I ask again, and I could feel her swallowing, the movements of her neck underneath my lips before pulling away. She looked over at me again; gaze slightly foggy and hazy, probably due to the drugs, probably due to whatever is going on right now. Again, she said no, but the look in her eyes didn't seem to ask me to stop, and that she might just give in, although I wasn’t even sure to what myself.

“And do friends kiss each other here?” I whispered softly, my face leaning towards hers, lips barely touching, as I could feel my heartbeat go faster again, and my eyes almost automatically close, before finally leaning in for another soft peck, and the moment I pulled back she sighed almost contently, yet tried to mask it. She opened up her eyes, looking at me for a split second before parting her lips. “Maybe they do,” she replied after a while, and for a moment I wanted to wonder about what this, what that, what everything meant, but instead I found myself cupping her face and dragging her closer.

She ended up lying next to me at some point, and I can only remember that we were kissing a lot and it was actually pretty cold, yet we didn’t stop. And despite my inexperience she didn’t really seem to comment, despite if it was slightly awkward and I didn’t know what to do with my hands, compared to her who seem to effortlessly move her whole body in a way that made me feel as if I was on fire. She only lightly touched upon my skin, feather like contact that sent tingles down my spine which I had never felt before, and despite my condition it reminded me of those dreams again, although they were quickly turning into reality in some sort of way.

But despite the pleasure I felt, even by just kissing, it still felt wrong in a way because what were we even doing? I’m kissing a girl, a girl who I’ve been friends with for so long, and again I say… I’m kissing a girl.

I didn’t want to think of the so called consequences, or the awkwardness that could appear later yet I couldn’t stop because what can I do? No matter what I say or do it won’t change the fact that this is happening, and I’m enjoying it, and I really want to keep on doing this for a long time, even if it does feel a bit wrong.

Some sins can be forgiven, right?