The first memory that comes to Jongin’s mind is coming home to preschool with tears in his eyes. He was not drawn to cars or dinosaurs and felt uncomfortable around the other boys in his class, so he had hung out with girls. But the very first time he held a Barbie in his hands, he was immediately greeted with jeers. “You’re not supposed to play with dolls; you’re not supposed to play with girls.”

Ok, thought Jongin. So he played alone after that.

The boys still ; somehow, they could not forego the incident. Jongin kept quiet until they eventually stopped. He wasn’t happy being alone, but at least he no longer cried. Jongin was okay with that.

---

Jongin’s mother was concerned for her son because he never went on playdates nor talked about any particular classmate. Actually he didn’t seem to talk at all. She would encourage him to socialize and would even invite some of his peers over to their home, but Jongin shrugged off every attempt and shut himself out.

His mom stopped trying.

---

Jongin first took notice of a boy in third grade. Yixing had transferred from China and had difficulty speaking the language. The other students in class had scoffed at his thickly accented Korean, but from the farthest side of the room, Jongin could only notice the warmth in his eyes and the dimple that surfaced when his lips upturned in a smile. They bonded if for no other reason than that they were both outcasts: one struggled speaking; the other just didn’t want to.

 They played on the seesaw, answered their homework, and ate lunch together. They didn’t bother talking because each other’s presence was enough to ward off any previous loneliness that they felt. The teasing also went away, because the basic point of bullying was to make a person feel alone, and Jongin wasn’t alone – he had Yixing.

But then another student – a girl – transferred from China, and suddenly Yixing didn’t have to fumble with a foreign language to make friends.

The teasing returned after that.

---

Jongin developed more crushes in the years to come and kept his mouth shut through them all. He stole furtive glances from between the pages of his book until he memorized his crushes’ features, and then he daydreamed about chaste kisses and holding hands. But he’d catch these boys with girls, or hear them gush about girls, and he knew he shouldn’t have felt disappointed but he was.

Because no matter how much you condition yourself to think realistically, a small part of you still clings on to the “maybe” and “what if” – maybe he feels the same way, what if he’s just like me?

He was about to give up entirely…

And then he met Sehun.

---

Jongin entered high school expecting to stay in the background without anyone taking notice, just as he’d always done in the past. He gave the standard introduction in front of the class on his first day, and then with head bowed took his seat. He kept his gaze on his desk, with the sound of other students’ excited voices in the background.

When an Oh Sehun started talking, he felt eyes burning into him. He snapped his head toward the front and suddenly found himself locking eyes with a tall, stoic-looking but altogether handsome boy. His heart gave a tiny flutter but he decided not to acknowledge the sensation. Maybe the Oh boy was looking at the wall behind him; Jongin knew better than to raise his hopes.

---

He was poring over his notes in the library when he heard the chair opposite his being pulled. He found it annoying if he was being honest – there were plenty of empty chairs and tables at that time, and it was common sense to fill those first. He chose to pointedly ignore the person at the other side of the desk, but this decision apparently wasn’t mutual.

“Hi! Jongin, right?”

Jongin remembered that voice.

“Sehun.” It wasn’t a question.

“You also spend your lunch break at the library?”

“Yeah, there are too many people in the cafeteria for my liking. And that’s the irony of it: I feel more alone there.”

Sehun nodded in understanding, bit on his lower lip, and mustered enough bravado to ask, “Do you maybe want to hang out after class?”

Jongin said yes to Sehun.

He said yes to Sehun every time after that.

---

They were in Sehun’s room one afternoon playing video games, when Jongin tried to figure the other out. He’d long been certain of his feelings for Sehun, but all his experience with unrequited affection had made him wary about placing too much stock on their relationship.

Still, when they exchanged eye smiles and languid laughs, Jongin couldn’t help but wonder if this was only natural of friends. Sehun’s interests were not unusual of boys their age: sports, cars, and video games. That told Jongin that he probably shouldn’t expect too much. But can’t it mean that he likes boys just because of his affinity for traditionally manly pursuits?

The need to clarify this and dispel all assumptions that existed in his head had clawed at him more than ever as he furtively glanced at his friend’s stunning profile, with sunlight punctuating the sharp angles of his face and his eyes boring through the screen in laser focus.

He knew he shouldn’t have been involved, that he should have just kept to himself and gazed at Sehun from afar. Because what he felt for his friend wasn’t an ordinary crush, not mere physical infatuation; he knew details, mannerisms, flaws about him. And this close to Sehun, with their bodies almost touching, breaths mingling in the air, he knew this was love. And love was not a feeling you can hope would just go away.

“Are you alright, Jongin?”

He didn’t answer that question – he made for the door.

---

Sehun cornered him in the library the next day. A part of him wanted to avoid Sehun, so Jongin didn’t seek him out. But another, larger part of him wanted to finally bring a resolution to his ordeal, so he situated himself somewhere he knew Sehun could find him. If he wanted, that is.

“I know you didn’t leave yesterday because you lost the game. Would you like to tell me about it?”

And that bundle of muscle in Jongin’s chest constricted a little more. Sehun didn’t demand an explanation; he didn’t force him to talk. Of course he wanted to know, but he didn’t want Jongin to press on if it hurt. Why did he have to care so much?

“You know I consider you my first real friend, right?”

Sehun nodded and Jongin knew that all escape routes and U-turns had been blocked at that point. “So I wouldn’t really know for sure since I don’t have any reference, but is this,” he pointed between them without looking up at Sehun, “is this really just friendship?”

He could feel the inevitable scoff but only a suffocating silence existed between the two. And he knew it would shatter what’s left of his heart to see the look of disbelief and mortification on Sehun’s face, so he buried his head in his palms.

“Yes, this is just friendship.”

There it was: the collapse.

“But I want to turn it into something more.”

And there it was: the birth of a star.

---

Jongin thinks he won’t ever forget how he felt when Sehun confessed to him.

He’d willfully imagined the other rejecting him in his head whenever his heart got ahead of itself, but when the words finally came from Sehun’s mouth, he found out he still hadn’t completely accepted the idea that he was nothing more than a friend to Sehun. Because before, there was still the smallest chance that Sehun thought of him as beyond that.

And how often is it that no matter how farfetched, we still cling on to that scintilla of hope in our hearts that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out how we wanted?

Often.

Too often.

All the time.

Because holding on to that sliver of optimism is the only way we survive; the only reason we hold on despite all the struggles and heartbreak. It is the idea that something good, something worth living for, is possible, that sustains us.

But Sehun had said it himself – what he and Jongin had was nothing more than a platonic bond. To still believe otherwise was just plain masochism. And then Sehun had augmented his statement; he had said the words that Jongin could only have before conjured in his dreams: I want to turn it into something more.

The feeling was mutual. Jongin liked Sehun…and Sehun liked him back.

His initial reaction was shock – like a pail of iced water had been upturned over his head and his mind couldn’t yet register the cold. The cautious side of him also still thought it was a jest and that he couldn’t be thrilled just yet.

But Sehun had held his hands and turned his face to meet his own. He stared Jongin in the eye and repeated the words. Slowly. Deliberately. “I want to turn it into something more.” He relaxed, because then Jongin knew for sure that it wasn’t just his imagination playing tricks on his hearing; yes this was really happening and he could believe it.

“I do too,” he had said.

“I do too,” he had said every time after that.

---

They were private people, so Jongin and Sehun still kept their relationship under wraps. It wasn’t so much being scared of judgment than it was feeling as if other people just didn’t need to know. They kept to each other’s side in their shared classes, as they’d done previously, as friends naturally do. But something was significantly different. Because when the classrooms had emptied and students were rushing outside to head home, they stayed a little while more, glanced that knowing look in each other’s direction, and let their fingers intertwine. Like they were supposed to. Because finally they were supposed to.

They also continued to play video games at Sehun’s house but usually wouldn’t make it past the first level, preferring instead to cuddle in bed, talk and maybe make out. It was during these moments that Jongin still had to pinch himself to be convinced that this was really happening. It’s not that he didn’t think Sehun sincere, far from it, but he just found it hard to believe that he was finally at a two-way street. Sehun would notice whenever such doubts aded him, and he’d always peck him sweetly on the lips. Jongin would be so absorbed in the warmth brought about by his boyfriend’s kiss, leaving no more room in his mind for any other rumination. He felt blessed. He felt happy.

At long last.

---

Months of glorious company had passed and their first anniversary was approaching. Jongin was ecstatic to say the least. They’d agreed that Sehun would plan their lunch date and Jongin their dinner. The idea for a gift materialized early on in the relationship: whenever Sehun was unaware, Jongin would film him – sleeping in the morning after they made love, looking so blissful despite his hair sticking out at odd directions and his mouth hanging open just the slightest bit; laughing that throaty chuckle when someone made a particularly funny (or particularly tacky) joke, eyes almost disappearing as they crinkled into crescents and freckles dotting his reddening nose and cheeks. These were just some of the moments Jongin stealthily recorded and planned to compile in a montage that he was then going to set to their song. Jongin smiled at the idea. He knew Sehun would love it.

---

The day dawned with the two boys hastily fixing themselves and racing to school – a pair of lovestruck teenagers celebrating a monumental milestone in their relationship. Sehun was first to arrive and was quick to snatch Jongin by the arm the second the older boy appeared in the hallway. “Happy anniversary,” the two whisper-screamed simultaneously, as they made their way to one of the more deserted corners of the school at seven in the morning. Jongin’s arm reflexively s themselves around Sehun’s neck and leaned in for a gentle kiss. They headed to their separate classes knowing full well that neither of them would actually be able to pay attention.

When the lunch bell rang, Jongin all but bolted to their rendezvous in the library. Sehun intercepted him at the entrance and with their fingers lightly brushing left for their midday escapade, which due to their school’s rigorous policies, was simply a picnic on the football field. No matter, the field was empty and they were with each other and with food. And Sehun sure made to impress as he prepared a sensational spread for them.

“I didn’t know you had an inner Julia Child.”

“Well, all those months of Sunday cooking school had better paid off.”

“Since when do you attend cooking classes?”

“Since I realized I wanted to cook something nice for you someday.”

Jongin didn’t manage to say anything to that, but the violent blush that spread across his face was enough of a sign that he’d been deeply moved by Sehun’s efforts. That and the kiss he placed on the lips of his domestic god-boyfriend.

“If you wanted to show me you were marriage material, you definitely succeeded.”

“Happy anniversary, Jongin.”

“To the first of many,” he replied as they clinked their cans of Coke in a toast.

To the first of many.

They spoke too soon.

---

Jongin didn’t opt for dinner at a fancy restaurant that night, but took Sehun home instead. His mom was out of town for a conference and wouldn’t be back until the night after, so they had the house to themselves in the most opportune of times. Unlike his boyfriend, Jongin was actually a domestic disaster. But like Sehun, he was determined to woo the other at least with effort and intention. He’d purged on omelettes for breakfast the past few weeks until they no longer turned out like scrambled eggs.

That night, his boyfriend watched over as Jongin prepared his dish, brows furrowed in concentration and fingers crossed in optimism, effectively inducing a lighthearted chuckle from Sehun.

“What?”

“Relax; it’s just eggs, Jongin.”

“I’ll have you know professional chefs consider omelettes the trickiest dish to perfect.” He waved his spatula at Sehun while reprimanding him, resulting in bits of egg flying toward and sticking to his face.

“Uhm, happy anniversary?”

“What a touching present. And this after I’d prepared a fantastic lunch for us.”

“Just you wait.” It was never a question to Jongin what he’d cook for Sehun when he finally got around to doing it: his absolute comfort food, omu-rice.

“Here you go princess. Enjoy!”

“Cheater. You know I’d never hate omu-rice even if you botched it. And you know I’d never hate anything you do when you flash me that smile.”

“You can be annoyed that I manipulated you or touched that I know you so well.”

Sehun stuck a fork in and consumed his first bite with his signature deadpan expression, before giving Jongin an approving nod. They finished the meal together and Jongin found that it really did, bias aside, taste delicious. Thank goodness for that – he didn’t want his first dish he cooked for Sehun to be a disappointment.

“So,” Sehun interjected while wiping his mouth with the cuff of his sleeve, “you wanted to show me something in your room?”

“Yes! But don’t worry; it’s not what you think it is. Well…unless you want that too.”

“Doofus. Of course I know your anniversary present for me isn’t your thing in a box! But…well…now that you’ve mentioned it, we can have that too right?”

“You got it, but first things first. Take my hand?”

“Lead me, dashing knight.”

But by some of ill fortune, the front door opened to reveal a disheveled Mrs. Kim. One glance at their intertwined hands had turned her expression from exhaustion to one of undeniable vehemence. Jongin never knew his mother to be a homophobe, but any doubts in his mind were quenched when she fixed Sehun a firm glare and mouthed the single word, “Leave.”

Sehun looked at him then with a muddled mixture of emotions in his eyes, reluctantly let go of his hand, and obeyed without a single word. Jongin took this as his cue to exit as well and trudged to his room in a state of detachment. He cried himself to a fitful sleep, unable to contact his boyfriend due to his phone being confiscated. He woke up with fresh tear stains on his face and no recollection of what exactly he had dreamed, but painfully aware of the bitterness he felt.

He’d quietly gone outside but was stopped in his tracks. Because at the foot of the stairs were his mom and a pair of suitcases.

He fainted.

---

Jongin startles awake almost expecting to see Sehun, but what greets him are a pair of doe eyes laced with worry. It takes him a few seconds to properly gain consciousness and return to the present.

“Thank God you’re awake. I was terrified.”

Jongin places his hands on the elder’s shoulders to calm his trembling, and then wipes the sheen of cold sweat that had formed on his brow. “I’m fine. I think. What happened, exactly?”

“You just collapsed on the sidewalk. Did you get enough sleep? Are you hungry?”

It all comes back to him now. “No, I’m fine.”

But he knows it would be unfair to lie to Kyungsoo by omission, so he quickly adds, “Actually, I think it’s time for that story.”

---

They are back on the park swings with sandwiches in their hands. Jongin takes a bite and composes his thoughts while chewing, before finally looking up and placing his hand on top of Kyungsoo’s smaller one. He starts, and then the story unfolds itself for him as if waiting all these years to be shared.

This is when Jongin finally breaks down. Kyungsoo wraps him in an embrace and cards his hands through his hair. He doesn’t trouble with consoling words because he knows all Jongin needs right now is physical reassurance.

“I’m sorry. I guess I have too much baggage, huh?”

“No, we all have that. As long as you’re no longer pining, I don’t see why I should give this up.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever move on from the guilt, but I have moved on from the cause. You have my undivided love.”

“Did you just tell me you love me?”

Jongin blanches at the realization, thinking he’d just scared the other away, but then Kyungsoo continues.

“I hope you don’t mind that I can’t say that yet. Because I never have before – say I love you, but you know how I feel about you, right?”

“Thank you.”

And as they sit there with hands firmly grasping, Kyungsoo is aware that Jongin still hadn’t told him why he fainted or who he’d seen at the café to trigger all those painful memories, but he doesn’t rush him.

Jongin can tell him another day. He isn’t leaving this time, right?

---

A/N: So I suppose this was not mild sekai like I previously disclaimed; this was fullblown sekai. Also, please pardon me for any conflicts in tense; I’m not used to writing in past tense. :| And it came out longer than expected so I had to cut Jongin’s backstory. Idk still when the rest is going to come up. Stay tuned! :)