But as much as he likes the thought, the idea of forever, it’s different when it comes to implementation. When it comes to actual commitment.

It takes a while for it to happen, though, for everything to blow up. Somewhere in early November, during some nondescript day when Baekhyun is just hanging out in Chanyeol’s apartment for no real good reason. 

He doesn’t really know how it happens. One second, he’s badgering Chanyeol from the dining room table, randomly reading out random facts that he’s found on some buzzfeed article, and the next he’s being pushed into the sofa, Chanyeol quickly piling on top of him to meet his lips with a kiss. 

It’s a bit different from usual; Chanyeol is taking his time before coaxing Baekhyun’s lips open, taking his sweet time trailing his hands underneath his shirt and eventually down his pants. He keeps their mouths connected the whole time, swallowing down any and all of Baekhyun’s sounds.

It’s only when he has Baekhyun panting, hips sporadically jerking up for more, when Chanyeol finally disconnects. “Bedroom?” He whispers into Baekhyun’s ear and it really shouldn’t even be a question.

 

It feels different this time around, far slower than he’s used to. Each touch lingering even just a second longer -- gentle, like he’s going to break. Every kiss pressed to leave a mark, and every caress to intensify the pooling heat in the pit of his stomach. 

It drains Baekhyun, has him panting like never before and his heart aching for more.

Even after they finish, Chanyeol keeps them pressed together, his arms tucking Baekhyun’s face into his chest so that he can hear the rapid beating of his heart. It’s just them breathing. Their loud inhales and exhales filling the air until Chanyeol breaks the spell with just three words.

“I love you.”

And all of a sudden, Baekhyun’s throat closes. It suddenly feels just a little too warm wrapped in Chanyeol's arms, too sticky being at such a close proximity, and Baekhyun feels disgusting. Chanyeol doesn't seem to notice Baekhyun's sudden discomfort, instead going to cuddle him in just a bit closer, pressing the side of his cheek onto the top of Baekhyun’s head.

“I’m sorry if that was sudden.” Chanyeol blurts out soon after, “I just. I really do. I know we aren’t all that far in this relationship and you’re supposed to wait a while longer before you let something like that slip out but I feel like there’s really something there and I guess I just--” Chanyeol’s rambling but Baekhyun’s not listening to it. Instead, he’s pulling out of Chanyeol's grip, out of the sheets, scrambling to get out of the bed and throw on his clothes.

 “W-what’re you doing?” Chanyeol asks, immediately sitting up. 

“I… Uhm. I have to go.” Baekhyun stammers only affording one last glance at Chanyeol’s confused face before he leaves and slams the door shut.

 

“Get out.” Baekhyun bites out as soon as he enters the apartment.

Just one look at Baekhyun’s gaze and Minseok pushing Lu Han off of his lap. He’s shoving Lu Han off of the couch and shooing him out the door despite Lu Han’s pitiful expression and weak protests.

After Lu Han’s successfully vacated the premises, Minseok steps closer to engulf Baekhyun in a tight hug. He pulls back after a while to wipe away a tear that Baekhyun didn’t even know was falling. “It's late, I thought you were going to stay the night at Chanyeol's. What’s wrong?” He whispers. “Did something happen?”

“He told me he loved me.” Baekhyun says, his voice choking at the word of love.

Minseok doesn’t say anything for a while, opting to instead rub small circles into the Baekhyun’s shoulder blades with the tips of his fingers. “Is that,” He starts, his eyes earnest, “A bad thing?”

“You remember what happened last time.” Baekhyun mumbles and drops his gaze to the ground.

“This is different. Chanyeol is different.” Minseok soothes, his fingers switching up into drawing little infinity signs in Baekhyun’s back.

“And that’s why this hurts. He’s different. He deserves my love but I-- I can’t give it to him.”

“Why?” It’s one word but it’s all Minseok needs to ask.

"You know exactly why..."

Minseok only gives him a pointed look as he repeats, "And you just said it yourself. This is different. Chanyeol is completely different -- you don't have to worry about that."

"I always have to worry about that." Baekhyun scoffs.

"It happened just the one time," Minseok replies quickly. 

"And it could very well happen again." Baekhyun retorts. Just as Minseok opens his mouth again to protest, Baekhyun cuts him off with a shake of his head. “You know the second law of thermodynamics? Of entropy? It says that as time goes on entropy increases and everything will eventually descend into chaos. It doesn't matter how different things are, how different things may start out, it all ends the same, it all dissolves into disorder."

“Baekhyun.” Minseok says quietly, resting a comforting hand on Baekhyun’s thigh. “I’m getting my Ph.D in physics in a year or two. I know about thermodynamics. And I don't think that this is even a valid application of it--"

Choosing to ignore Minseok's last sentence, Baekhyun cuts in bitterly. "Then you should know that everything is bound to up eventually. Why should I bother with falling in love, why should I even put in effort in a relationship if I know that the universe is just going to it all up in a couple of years.” And at this point, the tears are starting to collect in his eyes again.

Minseok doesn’t say anything at first, “I thought you didn’t believe in fate.” He says.

“I don’t.” And Baekhyun’s laughs. “I don’t believe in ing fate or destiny or any of that optimistic . I don’t want to believe in it but-- but if I don’t. Then I have nothing left to blame but myself. Then I know that what happened with Kyungsoo -- what’s going to happen with Chanyeol -- was all my fault. I-- I can’t handle that.” He’s full out crying now, splotchy red face, ugly runny nose, and all. Minseok rushes to squeeze him tight, tighter than before.

He doesn’t actually expect any words from Minseok; he doesn’t want any words from Minseok. He’s perfectly fine seeking silent comfort in the older’s embrace, tears staining Minseok’s ratty t-shirt and sobs muffling in Minseok’s shoulder. 

Minseok starts, though, when Baekhyun’s cries start to die down. “You know, entropy is--”

Baekhyun groans. “I get it. You’re gonna be a physicist. I don’t need you to rub your scientific in my face.”

“No, this is relevant.” Minseok shushes and Baekhyun buries his face into the crook of his neck. “You’re right. The law states that entropy is increasing -- that as time goes on, the possibility of disorder increases…”

“Way to make me feel better,” Baekhyun mumbles, but his tears are actually beginning to subside.

“I haven’t made my point yet.” Minseok laughs softly. “So entropy is ever increasing but at what rate? Whether it can and will ever be enough to become disorderly is the real question.”

When Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, Minseok takes it as a cue to go on. “Whether or not a system will ever reach the point of disorder is, unless there’s energy agitating the situation, something that’s set. A high entropy system is almost destined to erupt into chaos sooner or later but one with low entropy… The chances of it becoming disordered are improbable, nearly impossible even.”

“You aren’t making any sense.” Baekhyun murmurs. “But your voice is nice so it’s okay.”

“So going with your idea of entropy applying to more than just an isolated system but in something like relations, maybe a relationship is like one of these systems. Maybe there are ones that are meant to, destined to fall apart. But then there are others that are meant to last. And others that can extend their time until chaos, possibly push it off indefinitely by adding in just enough energy input into their relationship to sort it out, put it back to work. With enough effort---”

“I used it thermodynamics as a ty, spur-of-the-moment analogy. I don't need you making legitimate sounding science-y theories out of it.” Baekhyun mumbles under his breath and Minseok smacks him.

“Just shut up and give me your input.” Minseok says and Baekhyun quiets, thinking it over.

“Then the kind of system it is. How am I supposed to figure out which one it is then?” He asks after a while.

“You test it out. Just like everything else in life. You figure it out through trial and error.”

“And what if I’m too afraid to get hurt to just go out and try it out again?” His voice comes out sharper than expected and he can feel Minseok tense next time.

This time, Minseok doesn’t have an answer. 

There’s silence. “That’s like a fifty-fifty chance of the relationship failing, then.” Baekhyun says quietly.

"A little more, maybe significantly more given that there's really no indication that half of the time, it is a stable system but..." Minseok trails off as he sees Baekhyun gawk at him. “It’s better than your 100% chance, no?” Minseok decides to say instead,

“This still requires me to believe in fate, you know?” He adds in afterwards, really just saying the first thing that comes to mind.

“Maybe fate isn’t as bad as you make it out to be,” is Minseok’s soft reply and that shuts Baekhyun up.

x    x    x

The next day, Baekhyun decides to go over to Chanyeol’s around noon. He dreads the thought of returning after leaving so rashly but he figures it’s the least he can do. He owes Chanyeol that much at least.

Chanyeol opens the door merely seconds after Baekhyun knocks, like he’s been expecting him, but Baekhyun doesn’t recall sending any sort of prior warning to his visit. “Hey.” Chanyeol offers a small smile.

Baekhyun tries his best to return it. “Hey. Can I come in?” He asks but he's already stepping in anyways, taking off his shoes before moving to take a seat on the couch. 

"Why aren't you angry?" Baekhyun asks whenever Chanyeol makes his way over to take his seat right next to Baekhyun. 

He just shrugs. "What's there to be angry about?"

“The fact that you said you--” Baekhyun says, voice loud and clear before he chokes on the next word, “You-- you loved me.” His voice is just barely over a whisper, “And I couldn’t say it back.”

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol smiles but Baekhyun can see the hurt in his eyes.

“It’s not okay.”

“It’s--”

Baekhyun cuts in as soon as he sees Chanyeol’s mouth open, forming the distinctive beginnings of the ‘o’ in ‘okay’. “Stop. No. It’s not okay.” He stresses, clenching his fist. “It’s not okay. In no world is this okay. I am literally saying that I can’t love you back, and you-- you… How can you just say that it’s just okay?!”

“Look, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol interrupts, gripping Baekhyun’s shoulders as the smile plastered on his face begins to look a little strained. “It’s okay. You weren’t ready. Let’s just put this all behind us. How about we go get some coffee tomorrow?”

Defeated, Baekhyun agrees.

x    x    x

As a sort of return to normalcy, they decide to go out for coffee again at their favourite coffee shop.

They walk there in mostly silence, small talk just barely keeping the unsettling quiet from setting in. When they finally arrive, Baekhyun motions for Chanyeol to snag a table. "I'll get the coffee." He says, glancing at the coffee shop's menu in the corner of his eye.

"Okay I want the--" Chanyeol starts but Baekhyun cuts him off.

"The large house blend coffee with a spoon and a half full of sugar and a some hazelnut cream. You also want the sugar and cream to be poured in before the coffee and you want some milk foam with some kind of design on the top. I know, the usual." Baekhyun finishes and Chanyeol looks at a loss for words.

"Yea...yeah." He stutters out, looking a bit shell shocked, "I'll just uh get us a table." 

While Chanyeol is off grabbing a table, Baekhyun steps up to the cashier and orders.

He doesn't really want to sit with Chanyeol, waiting around awkwardly for the coffee to arrive so Baekhyun stands around at the counter. The cashier gives him a weird look but shrugs it off. 

Baekhyun can practically feel Chanyeol's gaze boring into his back but he doesn't dare turn around. Instead, he pulls out his phone to kill some time.

When the coffee is finally ready, he takes it upon himself to bring it to the table. Again, the cashier looks like he wants to protest but he -- Sehun as the name tag says-- allows it anyways, watching cautiously as Baekhyun attempts to transport the two mugs full of hot liquid back to the table.

Chanyeol stands up when he sees Baekhyun coming over. He moves to take his cup from Baekhyun and then sits back down. “You got something different.” He points out.

“Yeah.” Baekhyun only shrugs as he takes his seat. “There was a special.” He doesn’t really know what else to say so he blows over his coffee and then takes a sip.

“How is it?” Chanyeol asks right after Baekhyun swallows it down.

“Good.” He answers with widened eyes, “Like really, really good.” 

“Two reallys? It must be mindblowing.”

“Life-changing.” He accentuates.

“Really?” Chanyeol asks, a smile playing at his mouth. “Well now I have to try it. Give me a sip?” He’s already reaching for Baekhyun’s cup.

“And why would I do that?” Baekhyun laughs, moving the coffee so that it’s just out of Chanyeol’s reach. 

“Because you lo--” Chanyeol’s grin falls immediately and he has to stop himself to replace the word. “Like me.” The pause is obvious, though, and has Baekhyun fidgeting in his seat. 

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything about it but Chanyeol quickly apologizes for it, “I’m sorry. Should I have not said that? Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“No,” Baekhyun sighs, “It’s fine.”

Chanyeol still continues to apologize, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I just… It kind of slipped out, it’s not meant to pressure you or like--”

“Hey.” Baekhyun cuts in, effectively shutting Chanyeol up, “You’re babbling.” He holds out his cup for Chanyeol to take and offers a little smile, “But takes some. It’s seriously the best coffee I’ve ever had before.”

Chanyeol’s a little hesitant to take the cup, but he sips some regardless. When he does, his lips curl into the faintest smile. He returns the cup to Baekhyun who in turn gives a forced smile and sips as well. An uncomfortable silence that has Baekhyun squirming in his seat settles over them.

“Look, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts, heaving a sigh that earns a look of concern from Chanyeol. “I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want it to affect our relationship but at the same time, I don’t… I don’t want us to just go on pretending it never happened.”

Chanyeol’s quiet. “So…” He begins hesitantly. “What do you want?”

“I…” And he falters when he tries to come up with the words. “I don’t know.” Baekhyun admits, lowering his eyes to the table. Maybe this is the root of the problem. Of all his problems. He doesn’t know what he wants. He never knows what he wants.

There’s a sharp inhale from Chanyeol. “What do you want me to do?” He repeats, his voice hushed but steady. “Look, Baekhyun.” Immediately, Baekhyun’s eyes flick up and meet with Chanyeol’s intense gaze. “I love you.”

Baekhyun coughs and reaches for his coffee, hoping to swallow down the sudden feelings of nausea.

“I love you.” Chanyeol says again, not even in the slightest fazed by Baekhyun’s reaction. “But you have to tell me what you want. I’ll do anything, but you have to make up your mind.”

"I just..."

"You have to make the decisions." Chanyeol cuts in, urging.

“About what?!" Baekhyun snaps, suddenly. "What am I supposed to decide on? How we’re supposed to act around each other? How we’re going to be? Our dynamic?” Baekhyun starts to ramble, the uncanny feelings of hysteria settling in. “Am I supposed to just figure this whole damned thing out on my own?”

“No that’s not what I--” Chanyeol cuts himself off. Instead, he changes his approach, moving to grip one of Baekhyun’s hands in his own. “Do you like me?” He asks in a seemingly random manner.

“What?” Baekhyun says surprised, “Yes! Of course I do!”

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

"Well yeah," Baekhyun says, squinting. He fails to see the point in Chanyeol's questions.

“Do you…” Chanyeol pauses to give Baekhyun’s hand a light squeeze, “Want to be in this relationship for a year? 5 years? 20 years?”

Now he knows where Chanyeol was going with it. He has a harder time answering this one. “I…” Once again, he falters and finishes with just the same, “I don’t know.” Baekhyun jerks his hands away from Chanyeol, not seeing the flicker of hurt that flashes through the other’s eyes, to bury his face in his hands. “I don’t know.” He repeats again, his voice muffled by his hands. “It’s not really a matter of wanting or not wanting.”

Chanyeol moves to push Baekhyun’s hands away, forcibly uncovering Baekhyun’s face. “Then what is this about if it’s not about wanting?” He asks, staring straight at Baekhyun.

He can’t take the intensity in Chanyeol’s gaze and he has to avert his eyes. “It’s about being able to. More specifically, It’s about not being able to.”

"Why?" Chanyeol asks point blank and Baekhyun's instinctive reaction is to shrug. He watches as Chanyeol's jaw clenches, obviously frustrated by the response. Frustrated by Baekhyun. "You can't think of anything?" 

Again Baekhyun shrugs but the frown pulling at the corner of Chanyeol's mouth has him adding, "Commitment issues. The like." 

And just slightly, that has Chanyeol's face brightening. "Then we can fix that. You just have to become accustomed to the idea of long term 

"Why are you acting like I'm something broken? Like this is something I need to fix?" Baekhyun snarls out, "This is something you can’t just fix. It's a flaw. It's my flaw."

“I’m not saying that I’m trying to fix you.” Chanyeol says. He keeps his voice soft but the irritation in his voice is pretty easy to pick out. “I’m just saying that this is something we can work through, something we can resolve.”

“Work through. Resolve. That means the same thing as fixing me, as changing me.” Baekhyun huffs. “I’m sorry that I can’t be as perfect as you might’ve hoped but--”

“Look, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol interrupts. He exhales as he massages the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “I’m not going to lie to you. I want to be in this relationship for the long run. I don't want this to be just some stupid fling that ends at the first sign of trouble. This is just one of the things that needs to be worked through."

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe that's not what I want?” He spits out, eyes aflame with anger. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe all I wanted from this, from you is a simple fling? Maybe this was all just for fun.”

"You're lying." Chanyeol shakes his head. "You want more than that from this. You aren't the kind of person who would -- who could just do that."

“And I suppose you know just absolutely everything about me given that you've known me for less than a year." Baekhyun growls.

“Why are you getting so mad when you’re the one at fault? You're the one who can’t love me back.” Chanyeol cuts in and he doesn’t raise his voice, doesn’t even look angry. Instead, his voice is steady, low, but still cut with the way they’re coupled with the emotionless stare of Chanyeol.

That shuts Baekhyun up. His freezes mid-word. He doesn’t know how to respond to that so he does what he does best.

He gets up and leaves.

x    x    x

Whenever he gets home, he locks himself in his room, sulking. Minseok (even Lu Han at one point) knocks on his door every now and then to offer him some kind of food or ask if he wants to watch something with them, but for the most part, Baekhyun rejects all the offers. He’d really rather just wallow in his own self-pity alone and undisturbed.

Someone obviously doesn’t get the message because sometime the next morning, the door slowly creaks open despite being locked. He needs to get around to fixing that lock.

“Go away, Minseok.” Baekhyun groans, not bothering to lift his face from where it’s quite firmly planted in his pillow. “Or Lu Han. Whichever one of you bastards decided to come in.”

The footsteps approaching his bed stop. “What if it’s not either of those two?”

The sound of the voice has Baekhyun practically jerking up to look at the intruder. “Chanyeol?” He squeaks.

And there he is, standing awkwardly in the middle of his room. In his arms is a fairly large bouquet of white tulips and--

“Are those dead leaves?” Baekhyun blurts out despite himself and Chanyeol seems to shrink away.

“They… uh… There’s a reason.” Chanyeol stammers out, hurrying to point out one of the tulips. “You see, these mean forgiveness and,” He moves to picks out one of the leaves, “These mean sadness. So like…”

“You put. Dead leaves. In a bouquet.” Baekhyun tries to stifle his laugh because not only would it be rude but inappropriate given the current situation.

Chanyeol only offers a sheepish smile, “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” He admits before moving to lay the bouquet down on Baekhyun’s desk. “Can I…?” He doesn’t finish off his question, instead making a gesture to the space on the bed.

Baekhyun fights back the laughter bubbling in his throat and gives a slight nod, he himself moving to the edge of the bed so that they can sit side by side. When Chanyeol sits, Baekhyun can feel the slight dip in the bed but he keeps his gaze trained forward to the bedroom door. “Look,” He says and he can feel Chanyeol’s gaze. He doesn’t dare turn around, though. “Yesterday, I was being a . I was -- am -- being selfish and I totally, understand if you want to end this all.” 

There’s a  beat of silence and Baekhyun is afraid. So afraid that Chanyeol will get up. That he’ll just walk straight out the opened door and out of his life. 

But he doesn’t. He stays where he is, looking unbelievably lost. “Why would I end this, why would I leave just because of that?” 

And Baekhyun shrugs despite himself, despite how irritated he knows Chanyeol gets when he’s unsure of himself, unsure of their relationship. “It could happen,” He tries to justify but he can’t stop himself from lifting his shoulders again just slightly. “It does happen. It will happen.”

“Why are you like this?” Chanyeol asks but his voice is soft. The question in itself sounds accusatory, angry, but there’s nothing but concern in Chanyeol’s tone. Right as Baekhyun opens his mouth to answer, to say the exact same things as yesterday as that’s the only way Baekhyun can see this conversation going down, Chanyeol holds up a hand, immediately cutting him off. “And I don’t want to hear an answer like yesterday. There’s a reason behind problems like these, always. So what’s yours?”

And it’s not that Chanyeol’s wrong. There is a very legitimate answer to the question but instead, Baekhyun only averts his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Will you ever want to talk about it.”

He’s at a loss for words. “I-I don’t know.” He admits and he hears Chanyeol in a breath. He doesn’t have the courage to look Chanyeol in the eyes, meekly avoiding eye contact by fiddling with the hem of his bed’s blanket. 

The silence lasts for a long beat, the two of them just sitting side by side, waiting for the other to speak up first. “Baekhyun,” Chanyeol starts out slowly, “I wasn’t lying when I said that I would wait forever for you.”

"You never said that to me." Baekhyun says before he can stop himself. "You said that about my book, not me."

"You, your book, everything." Chanyeol moves to caress Baekhyun's cheek. "I don't know if what you said yesterday about not wanting to be with me for a long period of time was true or not--" Baekhyun hurriedly shakes his head. He's about to open his mouth and say something, deny his stupid, irrational rantings of yesterday but Chanyeol holds a hand to his mouth, a silent gesture to let him finish. "But what I got from yesterday is that you're unsure of this. You're unsure whether you really want this or not and I get it. I'm willing to wait for you to make up your mind about this -- our -- relationship. I'm willing to wait for you to accept the idea of commitment -- if that’s what you actually want. And if it's not, then I'll be okay, I just want you to be able to tell me truthfully. I'm willing to wait for you, for all eternity, so long as you'll allow me."

“Why?” Baekhyun asks softly. “Why are you willing to do this? Why are you so prepared to do this much -- for me?”

Chanyeol offers a small smile, reaching down to grip one of Baekhyun’s hands. “Because you're worth it.”

“There’s better people out there. People who would be so much more willing, so much more deserving to have someone like you."

“To me, there’s no one else better than you. For me, there’s no one else better than you.”

"You're making a mistake," Baekhyun croaks out, trying to blink back the tears threatening to fall. 

"Then I'll make a mistake," Chanyeol shrugs. “So forgive me? For all of the things I said yesterday, things I didn’t mean, forgive me?”

“You shouldn’t be the one apologizing.” 

Chanyeol quiets for just a second. “Then accept me?”

Baekhyun blinks at him and then curves the corners of his mouth into a small smile. “Give me that damned bouquet.” He holds out his hand and Chanyeol obediently retrieves it from off the table to hand it off to Baekhyun. He spares just a glance at the arrangement before hastily picking out some of the dead leaves from out of the bouquet.

“What are you doing?” Chanyeol exclaims, alarmed by Baekhyun’s actions, “They’re symbolic.” He pouts, trying to stop Baekhyun from throwing out the part he’s picked out.

Baekhyun laughs. “Then this should be symbolic, too” He teases, “Look, I’m throwing out the sadness.” He punctuates his words by chucking some of the leaves he’s managed to pick out into his room’s wastebasket.

Chanyeol frowns. (But that doesn’t stop him from helping Baekhyun out)

x    x    x

Chanyeol, in fact, does wait for a very long time before Baekhyun ever says anything about the issue but it’s not like he seems to be waiting for Baekhyun’s explanation. He doesn’t mention it again. He doesn’t pry; he doesn’t badger. And that’s fine with Baekhyun. 

And Baekhyun, he doesn’t want to talk. He doesn't want to tell, doesn’t plan on telling Chanyeol -- on telling anyone besides Minseok, really --  why he’s so afraid of being in love, of being committed for a good amount of time but that changes.  

But one day, when they’re just hanging around Chanyeol’s apartment as always, he’s suddenly struck with an odd urge to say it, to admit it and get it off his chest once and for all.

“Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun mumbles, his head currently settled in Chanyeol’s lap as they’re watching some random movie that’s come on TV. "That's his name."

“What? Who?” Chanyeol asks, confused. “Kyungsoo?” He reaches over to the arm of the couch to retrieve the remote, turning down the volume.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun replies, keeping his eyes forward, refusing to turn toward Chanyeol even if he can feel Chanyeol’s gaze on him. “He was my last boyfriend.”

This time, Chanyeol turns the TV completely off. “Where are you going with--”

“Can I tell you a story?” Baekhyun cuts in, sitting up straight. And Chanyeol’s silent. He takes that as a yes. “So once upon a time, there were two boys who met in college. They hated each other. From the moment they met each other, it was like oil and water; they didn't mix. They weren't supposed to mix. Something about their dreams, their personalities, their everything set each other off. They were opposites but I suppose opposite are always attracted to each other in the end."

Chanyeol nods slowly as Baekhyun continues. "The first time they got together, it was a mistake. Orchestrated by the effects of alcohol, all of it was just a drunken mistake. Afterwards, they treated it as just that and went back to ignoring each other, hating each other, that kind of thing. But it happened again, and then again. Somewhere around the seventh time of waking up next to each other, I guess they finally realized that there was a problem.

"So they talked, finally got themselves entangled into some kind of relationship but it was all kinds of ed up. Really, it was the exact same as before just under the name of boyfriends. It wasn't even a relationship but a one night stand. A series of one night stands. A series of mistakes. 

"And they tried to work it out, be romantic, be normal, but every time they opened their mouths, it was just screaming. They fought about everything. Anything." Baekhyun grimaces. "You’d think it be logical for them to just break up, break apart but against all odds, they lasted throughout college. It seems just pure lust was enough to make it through. 

"After college, they moved in together, thinking that would help smooth things out, but it really only made things worse. At least before it was arguments. But after they graduated, they realized how wrong it was to be fighting so much in the first place. They were supposed to be mature now, adults and so something as childish as petty arguments had to be done away with.

“Neither of them were particularly good at moderation, though, so from one extreme onto the next, they moved to silence. It wasn’t meant to be like that at first. It really just started out as them biting their tongue whenever they felt the need to start an argument, you know, to become more tolerant toward each other. And it seemed to work -- at first. The amount of disputes decreased significantly but as time went on, as they grew -- no, forced is a better word --to be more tolerant of each other, as they forced themselves to endure every little thing that might set them off, they just ultimately came to the conclusion that keeping quiet, not speaking at all was the best way to get through without an argument.

"And it's not like they didn't acknowledge how wrong all of it was. It was wrong for them to be fighting so much in the first place. It was even more wrong for them to cohabit a place and still act like complete strangers, move about as if there was no one else there. There was a lot to be fixed. But they never really got around to fixing it.

"Somewhere along the two year mark is when things started improving. They started to talk more, started to at least try to connect and love. At a certain point, their love even seemed normal. But this meant two different things to them. One thought it was finally them trying to stabilize their love, to normalize it so that it was a steady flame, not just spontaneous flickers of passion.

"The other, though, he apparently saw it as a way of drawing their relationship -- if you can even call it that -- to a close. You know,  paint over the flaws, the ups, so it all looks pretty whenever you look back on it. There was the inherent difference in values, in ideals and they just never got around to fixing it, they never got around to even recognizing it.

"The optimistic one just thought things would only get better from there on out but he realized he was wrong when he walked in on the other ing into some other man on the bed, on their bed.

"Retrospectively speaking, it wasn't so much the fact that he cheated that was the problem; it was more in the way that the er reacted. He didn't seem to feel any sort of regret or remorse for what he'd done, it was like he thought it was just okay to do. Like the relationship had deteriorated so far to the point that things like this were okay."

"He was wrong, you know." Chanyeol interrupts for the first time. "It doesn't matter what the situation but he cheated on you, you aren't to blame."

"You figured out this story is about me?" Baekhyun offers a wry smile.

"I didn't realize that you were trying to make me think it was anyone else."

Baekhyun sighs. "I wasn't. It's just easier to think of this whole situation as something that's outside of me. So I don't have to recognize all of these stupid, stupid mistakes as my own."

"They aren't stupid." Chanyeol's quick to defend, reaching out to grip one of Baekhyun's hands in his own. "I mean, yes, there were probably smarter ways to deal with some of the things but you were young. Too young to know much better."
 
"That was less than a year ago." Baekhyun shakes his head, letting out a mirthless laugh. "So I wasn't all that young but I was still plenty stupid."

"A lot can change in a person in that little period of time. Maturity isn't measured by time but by experience."

Baekhyun doesn't add to the idea, instead only offering a noncommittal shrug as an answer before moving onto something else. "But what hurt me in the most was the fact that I was the only one who thought it was love. ed up, yes, but in my mind it was love, especially when things began to get better. And I expressed this many times, practically abused those three words and let my feelings be known at nearly every instance. Looking back, saying it that often, the frequently probably degraded their meaning. It lost its significance, became more of a routine thing rather than something special. I guess he fell into that habit too…

"He said them back. Not nearly as often as I did but enough to where I actually believed it. He said them without ever meaning them, though. Never once did he actually mean it and I guess that's what was the worst part of it all." Baekhyun finishes and he can feel the tears that are threatening to fall. 

"So this is why you don't...?" Chanyeol trails off, finishing his sentence with just an earnest look instead of actual words.

“Well that and also my pet turtle died,." Baekhyun cracks a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. “So I’m afraid to ever love again.”

Chanyeol's face remains solemn, though, and Baekhyun heaves a sigh before saying, "Chanyeol. You're great, really. But I'm afraid of becoming like him, of saying those words back for the sake of parroting them back without any meaning." Baekhyun forces a laugh, wiping at the tears collecting in his eyes, “It’s kind of stupid, isn’t it? How one thing managed to affect me so much. It was one relationship. It was a college relationship, for ’s sake. Things aren’t even serious at that point -- or at least they shouldn't have been."

“Maybe not for others. But it was for you.” Chanyeol answers softly as he pulls Baekhyun into a hug. 

There's no words spoken at first; Baekhyun's trying to stop the tears from falling and Chanyeol trying to wrap himself around the other as tightly as possible.

“How long ago was this?” Chanyeol finally asks when Baekhyun's calmed down.

“You know when I first moved in?"

Baekhyun can't see it, what with the way his face is buried into Chanyeol's chest, but he can feel the way Chanyeol nods. "Just about a week before that," He says, "Right after I saw him with his lover, I packed a suitcase and left for a hotel. Two days later, he somehow found out where I was staying and sent all of my things packed in neat little boxes. He left a note but it wasn't an apology, all it said was, the apartment is mine and that was the end. I ran into Minseok in the next day or so, told him what happened, and he offered to let me move in with him. So I did."

"I--" Chanyeol starts out but he's at a loss for words, "I'm so sorry."

At this, Baekhyun pulls himself away from Chanyeol's chest and offers a small albeit shaky smile. "I'm not. He was toxic and I needed to get away from him. Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me."

Again, words seem to escape Chanyeol and instead he brings Baekhyun in close to him again. In a low voice, he whispers his response into the shell of Baekhyun's ear: “Stay with me tonight?”

Baekhyun only nods.

 

It’s later that night, when they’re lying sticky on the bed, Chanyeol says it.

“I love you.” He mumbles sleepily as he runs his hand through Baekhyun’s hair.

“Stop. Don’t say that.” Baekhyun snips, “It makes me uncomfortable. Guilty.”

His words seem to awaken Chanyeol out of his post-coital daze. Chanyeol's quick to apologize and that's seems to be the end of it.

x    x    x

But it's not the end of it because Chanyeol still drops those three words occasionally, but whether it be by accident or on purpose, Baekhyun doesn’t know. For the most part, he seems like he genuinely didn’t mean to say it, characterized by his sheepish expression and eyes wide with apprehension. But there’s one incident where it's undeniably intentional.

It’s happens near the end of November. On Chanyeol’s birthday, to be exact. 

Chanyeol’s turning 26 and they go out to some fancy restaurant to celebrate. Chanyeol’s treat.

“I’m just saying.” Baekhyun starts, irritatedly fiddling with one of his keychains. “How is it a birthday dinner if you’re paying?”

“And what I’m saying it that it’s a treat in itself to see you get your out of the apartment and its 5 mile radius.” Chanyeol answers back, only sparing a look at Baekhyun when they’re stopped at a red light.

“But you’re still paying so it’s not a present.”

“Did you not listen to anything I just said?” Chanyeol laughs, “And okay but think about this? Are you really offering to pay for a dinner at a place that sells a single dish for like 50 dollars?”

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “No…” He admits and he doesn’t even need to look over to know that there’s a triumphant smirk plastered on Chanyeol’s face. As the car begins to accelerate again, Baekhyun adds, “Which is why I suggest you turn this car around. It’s not too late to order some chinese food or something.”

As a reply, Chanyeol only snorts, “You’re such a cheap date. I want to eat somewhere nice for my birthday so I’m going to do just that. Even if I have to pay for it myself.”

“You’re making me sound like a terrible boyfriend!” Baekhyun protests, lightly punching Chanyeol in the side. As he does it, Chanyeol decides it would be funny to suddenly swear severely to the left, eliciting a shrill shriek from Baekhyun. “You piece of !” Baekhyun exclaims, grasping his racing heart.

“It’s not my fault you’re poor.” Chanyeol shrugs nonchalantly, as if he didn’t just almost kill the two of them.

“Are we just going to ignore the fact that you may or may not have given me a heart attack?” Baekhyun takes the smug little smirk on Chanyeol’s face as a yes. “Well… You’re not exactly swimming in money either.” He gripes, sinking into his seat.

“I have more money than you think.” 

“You’re a freelance graphic designer.” He says with venom before innocently adding, “No offense.”

Chanyeol laughs goodnaturedly. “At least I have a legitimate job, Mr. Unpublished Author.”

“Oh low blow, man. Low Blow.” Baekhyun narrows his eyes, speaking with a voice filled with mock anger. 

“I’m a good saver,” Chanyeol continues on, making a left that is far smoother than the first.

“Is this your way of telling me you’re secretly a millionaire or something,” Baekhyun says. He moves to lean up against the car door so he can gawk at Chanyeol. “Because I am okay with that.” He finishes with a sly grin that Chanyeol doesn’t see.

“Sounds like the words of a gold digger to me.” Chanyeol teases as he steals a quick glance to where Baekhyun is situated in the passenger’s seat. Baekhyun makes an obscene gesture and earns himself an amused chuckle from the younger. 

Turning toward the window, Baekhyun cranes his neck to watch the street lights go by. “Marry rich. That’s the dream, isn’t it?” He muses comically.

Immediately, Chanyeol adds in: “Hate to break it to you but that’s one dream I can’t make true.” 

“Then take me to a nice dinner and we can pretend to be kings for a night.”

Chanyeol chances just one more glance to the other. “And yet you were complaining about me taking myself out for my birthday.” He deadpans. In the window’s reflection though, Baekhyun can see just the traces of the amused smile that has settled on Chanyeol’s lips.

They arrive at the restaurant a couple of minutes later and while Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol was taking him out somewhere nice, he definitely wasn’t expecting this. It’s some French restaurant with a name that he can’t even hope to pronounce. He can practically smell the wasted money from within the car.

“Really?” He says, lifting an eyebrow. “Just flush some money down the toilet, why don’t you?” 

“Okay okay. So it is a bit expensive.” Chanyeol ignores the unamused look on Baekhyun’s face. “It’ll be good, trust me.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes but gets out of the car anyways, grumbling about wasting money. He doesn’t know how he manages to do it, but as soon as Baekhyun turns around to shut the car door, Chanyeol appears beside him and slings an arm around the older. “Are you cold?” He whispers into Baekhyun’s ear as he pulls him into his side.

“It’s like a five minute walk, I’ll survive.” Baekhyun grumbles as he burrows into his hoodie.

As grand as the exterior looks, the interior is about three times nicer. There’s a sizable glass chandelier hanging right above the waiting area and Baekhyun can’t take his eyes off of it. Vaguely, he hears Chanyeol talking to the waitress at the front.

“Right this way, sirs.” She says with a tightlipped smile, leading them farther into the restaurant. It’s when she and Chanyeol have taken a couple of steps forward when Baekhyun has to wrench his eyes away from the amazing floating death trap and hurry to catch up.

“Did you see the chandelier?” He asks in a whisper as he waddles up to Chanyeol’s side.

“Yes and I also saw you gaping at it with your mouth wide open.” Chanyeol chuckles and Baekhyun frowns. 

It takes a couple of minutes to get to their table; the waitress brings them to a table on the second floor, way in the back. “Wow you reserved a window table?” Baekhyun asks incredulously, glancing at the lovely view of the skyline. “How classy.”

“Only the best for my Baekhyun.” Chanyeol winks and in the corner of his eye, Baekhyun can see the hostess trying (but failing) to keep her face stoic. Being the gentleman he is, Chanyeol immediately moves to pull out Baekhyun’s seat for him. Baekhyun graciously accepts, gracing Chanyeol’s cheek with a kiss as a reward and watches as Chanyeol goes to his own chair. He shrugs off his jacket and hangs it off the back of the seat before sitting.

"Your waitress will be here shortly." The hostess bows before disappearing. They're left by themselves. 

Baekhyun suddenly leans forward, giving Chanyeol a bewildered look. "I feel like everyone is looking at me." He says in a hushed voice

"Wow that's a bit pretentious." Chanyeol comments with a grin, one side of his mouth raising higher than the other. "I mean I know you're highly attractive but still."

Baekhyun shakes his head and then quickly surveys the tables around him. Sure enough, many of them are watching him. "No I'm serious." His gaze returns to Chanyeol and he squints at him. "It's like I'm doing-- oh my god." He cuts himself off, his mouth dropping into an o. "Why didn't you tell me we are going to a fancy restaurant?!"

Chanyeol looks confused. "I did. Many times in the car. I recall we even had a conversation about how it's weird that I'm paying even though it's my birthday."

"Yeah yeah yeah," Baekhyun waves off. "But before! I would've dressed up, I mean I'm wearing skinny jeans for god's sake!" 

Chanyeol shrugs, "You look good. What's it matter?"

"How the hell did we even get in here? This place probably has a black tie dress code." 

Chanyeol shrugs again but something catches Baekhyun's eye. Hurriedly he pushes the vase obstructing his view and gapes.

“You’re wearing formal clothing too!” Baekhyun hisses. “What kind of betrayal is this?”

Chanyeol only laughs, leaning back into his chair to hook his one of his arms around the back corner. “You didn’t notice before?” He makes a show of readjusting his silk blue tie.

“I don’t notice your clothes.” He’s quick to justify with the smallest hint of a pout.

“Why? Too busy looking at my face?” Chanyeol smirks and Baekhyun doesn’t have a good response to that. Instead, he goes back to sitting upright and pretends to be too occupied unwrapping his silverware. 

"So what do you want to eat?" Baekhyun says eventually, deciding to ultimately avoid responding by throwing another topic out instead. He opens his menu up, scanning over the choices and trying not to cry at the exorbitant prices.

Promptly, Chanyeol moves to shut Baekhyun's menu closed. Before Baekhyun can even protest, Chanyeol is pulling it out of his reach. "I already have the course planned out. Don't worry about a thing, darling."

 

He ends up buying a seven-course meal for the both of them and Baekhyun can't help but imagine how expensive the whole thing is going to be. The food is good, of course, but the wine is far more spectacular. Baekhyun’s not one who usually has a taste for class (usually, he’s the one to scour for the cheapest there is, looking to get his drunk on with paying as little as humanly possible) but he knows a good wine when he tastes it and there’s nothing stopping him from downing glass after glass of the finest alcohol to grace his lips.

“This is so good,” Baekhyun leans in, whispering. They’re on their final course, a chocolate torte paired with the sweetest dessert wine he’s ever tasted. Baekhyun’s drained nearly half of his glass already. 

“Maybe you should stop drinking so much,” Chanyeol advises helpfully as he sections off a spoonful of the dessert and pops it into Baekhyun’s mouth. The corners of Baekhyun’s mouth turn up happily as chews.

“Well, you apparently can’t get drunk.” Baekhyun says as soon as he swallows. “So I’m doing it for the both of us.” Baekhyun waves his hand in front of his face and he doesn’t quite know how the gesture is to help his argument but he does it anyways. Seconds later, Chanyeol bats it away with a look of an embarrassment. 

“Yes but I’m driving.” Chanyeol points out helpfully and as Baekhyun’s hand goes inching back to his glass to wash down the decadent taste of chocolate, he moves quickly to slide in just a couple inches out of reach. “Seriously, I don’t want you passing out drunk and me having to haul your back up all those stairs.”

“I’m not going to pass out,” Baekhyun assures, sticking his tongue out childishly as if that proves his point. “Now give me back my glass or so help me God I will start drinking from the bottle.”

Chanyeol only gives a skeptical look before sliding it back over.

 

And true to his words, Baekhyun doesn’t pass out. Instead, he’s oddly awake on their way back, giddy even. He’s practically bouncing up and down in his seat, eyes flicking back and forth between Chanyeol and the outside view.

Chanyeol seems worried what with the way he's glancing over about every four seconds, but he doesn't say anything, mouth pressed into a fine line in concentration as he maneuvers his way through the traffic.

They pretty much drive in complete silence, only the soft hum of the engine in the background, and somehow, Baekhyun hatches a brilliant idea. When Chanyeol's not paying attention, Baekhyun ventures a hand to Chanyeol's thigh, giving it a little squeeze. 

Immediately the action has Chanyeol ripping his gaze away from the street to Baekhyun. "Keep your eyes on the road." Baekhyun teases and juts his chin forward in a gesture.

Chanyeol frowns but he turns back just seconds later as the car begins to veer slightly to the left. Probably not intentionally. 

As soon as Chanyeol rights the car back into its proper lane, Baekhyun's hand starts to move. Up and down, just simply trailing along the expanse of the thigh. "What are you doing?" Chanyeol asks, not looking over at Baekhyun this time around.

"Nothing," Baekhyun answers back cheekily, but Chanyeol doesn't bother challenging it. Baekhyun takes that as the okay to continue on. 

It's when Chanyeol takes the exit to a street that's particularly empty at this time of night that Baekhyun scoots in closer to the middle of the car, making for an easier reach for him to press his hand into Chanyeol's groin.

"What are you doing?" Chanyeol repeats again; he keeps his hands clamped tight around the steering wheel.

“Nothing!” Baekhyun says innocently but palms at the area again. He has to bring his other hand over so that he can Chanyeol’s pants leaving him reaching across the center console. He catches Chanyeol’s eyes when he’s down there and the unreadable look in Chanyeol’s gaze has him leaning back into his own seat once he accomplishes his mission. His other hand remains there, though, kneading Chanyeol through the thin layer of cloth.

“You,” Chanyeol’s words are abruptly cut off with a groan, “Are so drunk.”

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun shrugs nonchalantly while exerting just a bit more pressure that has Chanyeol clench his jaw, “This seems like something I’d do if I was sober too, honestly."

He can’t see the speedometer clearly from his angle but he does feel the car speeding up, Chanyeol’s jerky movements steering the car through the obstacles of the road. He knows the streets are empty though, knows that they’re really at no risk so he takes his chance to slip his hand underneath the waistband of Chanyeol's underwear and grasp at the heat that lies beneath.

"ing Christ, Baek!" Chanyeol exclaims just as he slams the brakes for a red light. As soon as they've fully stopped, Chanyeol wretches Baekhyun's hand out from his pants. "I swear if we crash because of you…” He exhales and his eyes look just a bit wild, a bit bleary. “Just wait. Let's just wait until we're back at the apartment."

Baekhyun hums in agreement, not even trying to cover his smug little smile.

 

It happens when they've finished and are collapsed onto a pile of limbs on the bed. "I'll go get a towel." Chanyeol announces and Baekhyun only makes a small sound in agreement, too tired, too boneless to come up with anything better to say.

As Chanyeol gets up, Baekhyun curls up into a little ball to conserve heat. He'd reach for a blanket if he weren't deathly afraid of dirtying the pristine fabric. When Chanyeol makes his way back, Baekhyun just turns onto his back and let's Chanyeol do all the work.

Chanyeol works in silence at first as he diligently cleans off Baekhyun but he breaks it when he asks, "You know how you didn't give me a birthday present?"

"You said you didn't want anything," Baekhyun protests, frowning. "I'm not a bad boyfriend, I swear!"

Chanyeol only chuckles, "I wasn't saying you are. And that's true, I didn't want anything then, but I want something now."

"Well I'm sorry but I do not have my wallet anywhere near me so you will have to wait until tomorrow for me to order it." Baekhyun says matter-of-factly but Chanyeol only laughs.

After he's cleaned up Baekhyun the best he can, Chanyeol proceeds to just fall on top of him, much to his protests. “You’re all sticky, this is gross,” Baekhyun complains, trying to push the other off of him, “Get off me--”

“I love you.” Chanyeol murmurs into Baekhyun’s ear and Baekhyun freezes.

He thinks its unintentional. After all, Chanyeol does seem to let the words slip out every now and then but he usually realizes his mistake pretty early on. That doesn't seem to be the situation here as Chanyeol repeats, "I'm not kidding, Baekhyun. I love you."

His first instinct is to play it off as a joke. "What's with you and dropping the l word after we have ?" Baekhyun laughs, but who is he kidding? Even a child could see through his shaky tone. He closes his eyes as he exhales, deciding to just nip all of this at the bud. "Stop it.” He says, shoving Chanyeol off of him.

“I love you,” Chanyeol says again and Baekhyun buries his face into the crease of his arm.

“Stop it.” He growls but Chanyeol doesn’t get the message.

“I love you.” Chanyeol tries again for the fourth time and Baekhyun's patience wears thin.

"Stop it!" He snarls, jerking his arms down in frustration to turn and glare at Chanyeol. He misses the flicker of hurt that flashes through Chanyeol's eyes as his own tear up. "Stop it, please," He repeats, his voice far softer than before, "I don't -- you don't deserve this kind of treatment."

"I," Chanyeol stops as he holds Baekhyun's face gently between his palms. "I love you so so much. Please just let me say it this one time. As a birthday present."

"How is this a birthday present if I'm the one receiving?" Baekhyun blurts out without actually answering the question at hand.

"It's a treat in itself to have you hear the words you deserve more than anything in the world."

Baekhyun’s feels the tears begin to swell at the edges of his eyes, threatening to fall, and he immediately turns his back toward Chanyeol. He doesn’t want Chanyeol to see him cry. “Okay." Baekhyun says quietly, after a while whenever he feels like he's not on the brink of crying anymore, "Just this one time."

There’s not a sound from the other but he feels a weight slink over him, pinning him beneath his body. Chanyeol grabs both of his wrists and holds them over his head as he lowers himself down to press a kiss into Baekhyun's forehead. "I love you." He whispers against the skin.

Immediately, Baekhyun averts his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He says, avoiding Chanyeol’s gaze. “I’m so sorry.” And that's all he can say as Chanyeol repeats the three words over and over again.

 

He justifies his actions by saying that it was supposed to be his birthday present, but he ends up apologizing at the end of it anyways. “I’m sorry.” Chanyeol says finally as he’s running his hands through the silky strands of Baekhyun’s hair. “I shouldn’t-- I know you don’t want me to do those kind of things, I just… I just had to get it out there. I won’t do it again.”

Baekhyun peers up wordlessly at the other through his bangs. “Promise?” He asks softly, raising his pinky finger for Chanyeol to take.

Silently, Chanyeol twines his own little finger around Baekhyun’s with a small smile. “Yeah. I promise.” He whispers back.

Chanyeol doesn’t break his promise.

x    x    x

And after that, things are fine on the Chanyeol front. No more random conflicts, no more accidental words. But with Baekhyun’s luck, just as one thing finally clears up, something else s up.

He hears it when he’s supposed to be sleeping. Minseok’s at the dining table as always, working on whatever, Lu Han is just quietly watching TV, while he’s napping. Sometime while he’s sleeping, Lu Han decides it’d be cute to go over to Minseok while he’s supposed to be typing up an essay and bother him in some way, shape, or form. Baekhyun doesn’t really know what Lu Han ends up doing but he does awaken to the sound of Minseok’s hysterical laughter. 

And really, he has half a mind to go back to sleep; he’s seen enough of Lu Han and Minseok being all cute. 

But just when he’s teetering on the edge of consciousness, he hears something.

“Minseok,” He hears Lu Han quietly sigh out, “Let’s get married.”