"Mr. Lee will be visiting the dorm tonight!!!" Yixing shouts for everyone to hear.

That's the only thing EXO needs to know to start tidying up their dormitory. Minseok struts confidently in the lobby as he overlooks the other members hiding a mountain of things in their cabinet.

"Do you need some help, Suho?"

Despite being the group's leader, Suho is not a good example to the younger members when it comes to cleanliness. Just like the others, he is also trying to hide his ocean of used clothes not only in his cabinet but to any pocket, any space and any gap he can squeeze something in.

"Don't dare stuff any of your things in my cabinet, hyung!" Sehun bawls to their leader. Him and Suho had been roommates for months already. He knows all of his tricks when it comes to cleaning.

"On mine too!" Baekhyun shouts from the living room. "Keep all your things to yourself, hyung!"

"Don't worry about me! Go and get some more garbage bags instead," Suho answers. He points at the pile of food wrappers Sehun placed in the corner of their room, "Just throw those away."

"We ran out of garbage bags. Chanyeol used them all," Minseok interrupts. He is still enjoying the reality show unfolding in front him aka Speed Spring Cleaning featuring EXO's leader and maknae.

"I'm going to the convenience store to buy some." In a blink of an eye, Sehun is already on the front doorstep slipping on some running shoes. 

"I'll drive!" Tao volunteers.

"I'm coming too, guys! Wait for me!" Jongdae shouts from across the room.

Suho successfully dumps his laundry in his travelling bags. Well, more than half of it. There is still a basket of used clothes that he needs to hide for the meantime. His eyes searches around the room like a hyena looking for its prey in the wild.

His cabinet and drawers are already full. He used all of his bags as temporary storage already. Sehun's cabinet is off limits. Suho is sweating bullets. He is running out of options. He looks at his bed. "At least, I can sleep soundly on a clean bed tonight."

Suddenly, there is a loud thud outside his room. "Aaaahhh!"

"It's Chanyeol," Suho rushes towards the door when a small ball suddenly rolls in front of him.

"Catch it, Suho-hyung!" Chanyeol shouts nearly snapping one of his neck veins.

The flustered leader tries his best to catch the ball. He is already on his fours but the ball rolls under his bed. Dead end. Suho looks at Chanyeol with that disappointed face he always had on when none of the members are listening to his opinions during family meetings.

Chanyeol answers him back with a loud grunt. "Just give it back to me when you find it, hyung. I still have a lot to set aside. I think I'm going crazy."

"Chanyeol! Get your things off my bed!!" An angry voice from the nearby room.

"Hyung! Why are your socks on my bed?!" Another one from the same room. Then, Chanyeol disappears as swift as a wind. His roommates are going berserk.

Suho is still pondering where the heavens he will hide his remaining laundry. He is left to hide just one basket of clothes. Just one from the six he originally had. His eyes searches like a hungry carnivore again.

"Where can I? Where... where...whe..." And eureka! He snaps his right finger and kneels down near his bed.

"Two birds with one stone," he proudly boasts to himself. He feels like a genius who had just discovered a Nobel Prize winning math equation. Suho starts pulling out stuff from under his bed to make more room for the remaining laundry. His hand grabs anything that he touches. The time is ticking. It's not like he is hiding dangerous animals under his bed.

Food wrapper. Crumpled paper full of doodles. A bill. One of his lost shoelaces. Another crumpled paper which is apparently his script for their concert in Japan. All kinds of treasures are being discovered. "El Dorado was here all along," he thinks. Then, he feels something hard and square. He pulls it out quickly and senses a sudden rush of blood to his hands and almost numb feet.

"I haven't seen this for almost a year already." A dust-covered brown box is now sitting on Suho's lap. There is a sudden pang of unexplained tremor, happiness, melancholy and longing unceasingly pounding all at once in his chest. He is still battling with himself whether he should open the box or not. After almost two minutes of arguing it out with his coward self, he finally opens his Pandora's box.

Sitting on top of what seems to be a pile of papers and memorabilia is an envelope. Something from inside him is screaming "No, don't open new wounds on your scars!" But the moment he decided to open the box, he also shut the beating beast inside him on an iron cell. "No, you are not taking command today," he tells himself.

go and find myself

These are the first words he sees in the enclosed letter. By reading those, he knew what he was inflicting on himself. The prisoner inside him was right. Hello, new wounds.

He continues to skim the letter. His hand suddenly twitches at the sight of one sentence written in bold.

I'm becoming someone else, Junmyeon.

Another pang in his chest. It is trying to get out from its cell--- that noisy pounding beast.

I can't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at me anymore.

A single tear blots a few words in the letter. He is losing his fight against his prisoner.

"Next," Suho declares to himself in a confident voice, as if challenging the beast eating him alive from the inside.

He skips the other envelopes and grabs a small notebook on the bottom of the items in the box. He slowly opens it as if it is a bomb that might explode with the slightest of movements.

The first page is rather clean. The only writing seen is on the lower right corner portion, written with black ink, the name of the owner. Suho flips to the next page. He suddenly bursts out a laugh or two.

My name is Kris.

내 이름은 크리스입니다

I am EXO's Kris.

나는 EXO의 크리스입니다

I'm EXO-M's Kris.

나는 EXO-M의 크리스입니다.

I'm EXO-M's leader, Kris.

나는 EXO-M의 리더 크리스입니다.

SEE! I CAN DO IT!!

Written below all these are a star and a 'very good!' in red ink. Beside it is Suho's signature.

A warm smile brightens up the messy room. EXO's leader is smiling to himself again. He can hear Kris saying, "I'm not an elementary student! Why do I need to take classes from you?" in his head.

Suho flips to the next pages and starts giggling to himself. "I'm a very good teacher after all," he pats himself on the shoulder as he skims the English-Korean lessons he and Kris had before. Some pages are filled with the lessons, some of their game of 'What is this?' with of course, Kris as the quizmaster using his unique drawings, some of Korean-English or Korean-Chinese lessons with Suho as the learner, and some of their random ramblings and rants about anything under the sun.

Why did the chicken did not cross the street?

That's an old joke, Junmyeon. Cut it out

Because style aniya.

Let me live!

Why did the giant cry?

What is this stupidity again?

Because he was tall.

That's it?

But can't reach his mom!

:(

Junmyeon, buy me some chicken!

I thought you don't like it?

But you bought chicken for the kids!!!!

Oops.

The schedule for the second half of the year :(

Quite tough, right?

I'm auditioning for a movie!

What role are you getting?

It's just a minor one but I'll do my best!

Good luck!

Me and Jongin are going out tonight for some snacks. Coming?

What's in the menu?

Chicken perhaps.

I'm in.

Don't tell the others!

:(

What's up?

Manager-hyung did not permit me to audition. The higher ups don't want me to.

Let's grab a drink tonight. 

On every page he flips, he sees these random conversations written on the corners. Suho never thought these random brain vomits will someday become precious memories to him, spinning endlessly like a ferris wheel in his mind.

再见了，大家好！

Zaijian le, dajia hao!

안녕, 여러분!

Goodbye, everyone!

我很高兴！

Wo hen gaoxing!

반가워요!

Nice to meet you!

The notes that once served as lifelines to them are now records of their highs and lows. Reading again the old notebook made Suho realize that the last three years were indeed a roller coaster ride to them.

Another rejected offer.

Did not make it?

THEY rejected it without me knowing!

I'll try asking manager-hyung what’s wrong.

你好帅哥~ :)

Ya, Junmyeon! I did not teach you Chinese for flirting!

:)

씨발

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?

:)

Why do they keep rejecting the movie offers??!

Manager-hyung did not tell me the higher ups' reason as well. I don't know :(

I can't take this anymore!!

Cry if you need to cry, Kris. I can lend you a shoulder any time.

Why did the chicken did not cross the street?

Why is the chicken crying?

Your Korean is improving! Good sentences!

Are you okay?

Kris?

Are you fine?

:(

Can I go to your room tonight?

You can spend the night here, if you want. Sehun's bed is free for the night.

He's out for a taping anyway.

I hope you're doing fine already.

If you need me, I'll be in my room. I can listen to your stories or rants all night, just like the last time.

The further Suho goes over the pages, the further he is falling into a black hole. His hands are starting to sweat. Something inside him is trembling. Lost words and touches are suddenly resurfacing, washed by the tides of emotions gushing into him. A forgotten song suddenly plays in his mind.

:)

I'm sorry for last night. I did not mean to do that.

You don't need to say sorry.

:)

Have you listened to the song I told you about last night?

Of course! I like it!

Glad to hear that!

Wanna go out tonight?

Where to?

There's a meteor shower

COOL!

I'll show the galaxy to you tonight

Can I come over?

:)

I hope you're feeling better now.

:(

What happened?

The clear blue sky of spring fades into gray. The winter breeze returns to envelope Suho in its embrace. The ocean tides are slamming onto him harder than ever. Heavy raindrops start to fall inside the room. A storm is upon him.

He starts flipping the pages again.

I'm here for you anytime.

I'll wait for you.

I need to find myself.

Do you want to talk it out?

What happened last night? I'm sorry! Did I pass out again?

Yes :)

I'm really sorry, Junmyeon

No worries :)

The ferris wheel of memories suddenly stops. The music keeps on playing like a damaged track but the carriages are still glistening brightly, even more majestic than they used to. The rain is now pouring hard inside his favorite carriage, the one stuck on top of the ride. A clap of thunder rolls in the distance. The storm is fast approaching.

I know it's out there

What?

The me I always wanted to be

Do you want me to lend you an ear?

Thank you, Junmyeon :)

Are you serious about what you said last night?

I am

I think you're still not sober.

I am sober! Last night too!

You had a few drinks last night.

I did not!

Go to my room and explain those cans of beer under my bed!

对不起​

Forgive me.

Are you angry?

No

对不起​

好了

帅哥~

宝贝

What does that mean? You haven't taught me that yet.

Forget it!

Tonight?

:)

Did you try the trick I taught you last night?

Counting 1-10?

Yes

Haven't tried it yet. Maybe next time.

Tell me if it works :)

Kris taught Suho one of 'the tricks in life'. He can still remember it vividly, as clear as the words engraved in the notebook on his hands.

"I know how you lose all sorts of things, Junmyeon. Look at this dumpster you made in just months!"

Suho giggles and scoots closer to Kris' embrace. His wrap around Suho's shoulders tightens. It feels like home to both of them. Kris grabs Suho's hands that are hiding beneath the sheets.

"Here's the trick," he gently opens the palms of his partner.

"Count from one to ten backwards. Slowly." One by one, he touches Suho's trembling fingers while counting.

"And think of the thing you lost. Imagine it." They are now in five but Suho's hands are still trembling as if he just got off from a warm bath on a freezing winter night.

"Are you cold?" Kris tightens his wrap around him.

"When you reach one, slowly open your eyes. But don't let go of that image! Hold on to it," Kris clasps Suho's hands between his. They are not trembling anymore. He now feels warm inside out.

But these are all just a memory to him. Something stored along with the others in his ferris wheel. Something he can be with during bad days, but when the music stops and the ride is over, he needs to leave and move on to another ride called reality. The ferris wheel will keep on spinning though and the music will continue playing from a distance.

The pages left to read in the notebook are getting thinner. The end is near.

Another rejected offer

Maybe they want you to focus more on our activities as a group first.

Look at the bright side! We're getting more bookings from other shows!

:(

Are you still upset?

Who wouldn't be?

对不起

Why are you saying sorry? It's not like it's your fault.

:(

Why are you sad? Don't be!

I can't sleep well at night recently.

Something bothering you?

You.

Me?

You.

Will you leave me?

I'm coming over tonight.

That night, nothing seemed wrong. The tiny little sparkles that they once watched from afar started crashing to Earth. A million shooting stars fell down that night. Everything that they once were, are and will be conspired into verses of a song that will soon sing nothing but the melody they only have. Or so they thought.

"What if I go away?" Kris whispers softly onto Suho's ear.

"To where?"

"What if..."

"I'll wait for you." Suho answers without any hesitations. Something inside him broke into pieces though.

"Even if it takes months or years?"

"Take your time. I won't go anywhere." Suho answers with a smile on his face.

Kris slowly buries his face on his partners chest. The rain is upon him.

"I'm sorry. I can't fix you. I can't save you." Suho wraps Kris in his embrace.

"When you find what you're looking for, come back to me, Kris."

Suho's ferris wheel of memories starts spinning again. He patiently waits for his treasured carriage to reach the ground. In a minute, the ride stops but the music is still playing in the background.

"It's been a year already," he whispers to himself.

He puts a lock on the door of the carriage and slowly walks away from it. The ferris wheel starts spinning again and the music changes to their almost forgotten song. Every step Suho takes stabs the beast inside him. His sky is starting to clear up. The storm has passed.

"Hyung! Have you found my ball yet?"

"Give me a moment, Chanyeol."

Suho closes his eyes and starts counting.

I think of you at ten

I see your smiling face at nine

I hear your laugh at eight

I hear you say my name at seven

I feel your warm caress at six

I try to reach out to you at five

I tell you to come back to me at four

I see you smile again at three

I feel your warm embrace at two

You say, "I will" at one.

A Song For You: Come Back to Me by David Cook

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

* A big thanks to my editor:

PCY's and Kyungsoo's mother, also a Suho disciple, aonegirl

** If you have any questions or clarifications about the story, 

suggestions on how to do this or that,

violent or non-violent reactions,

please feel free to drop me a message :)