If it's not Sehun, I won't be like this.

If it's not Sehun, I won't divide my hearts into two pieces    *** My relationship with Sehun went smoothly. The days with him beside me felt like a dream come true. In his embrace i felt settled. I thought I won't change my heart anymore as Sehun has been always the guy who settled my heart. The love he gave is so beautiful and great. For once I thought I would never think of anything or anyone again except him but i was wrong. Yeah i was wrong and my fault made me wanna kill myself. It took me to my misery. I don't know which one the mistake was. Whether when i first met him and having crush on him or whether i ever met Kai. When I realized, i already hurt both of them especially Sehun.   *** It was a turn back incident. The plot twisted as the days I thought i will always be with Sehun and depend on him turned out just my daydreaming.  Maybe the heart just can't lie? Or maybe i just follow my faint mind? I just hurt everyone with all of this. It was just another ordinary college day when the teacher asked me to meet at his office, i left my bag to Jihyun. But when I came back to get my bag after meeting the teacher, Jihyun got panicked. "OMG Choi Sulli I forget where i leave it!" "What? You leave it?!"i asked with widened eyes. "Yes i have something to do with Mr.Kang so i...ah I think i leave it with Sohyun!" "Sohyun-ah! Where's Sulli's bag?"we approached Sohyun at the balcony. "Eh? Sulli's bag? I don't see that, you didn't leave it to me,"Sohyun replied. I cupped my head so hard desperately because all of my things are inside the bag. My cellphone, my wallet and my tasks. What will i do if i lose that? While the girls were busy talking about where could my bag is, i began to cry because of how frustrating to lose your things.  "OMO! Sulli-ya dont cry! Gosh! Can you help me to find it in our campus?"Jihyun asked to Sohyun. "Calm down Sulli, I think your bag is still somewhere in our campus. I will search for it!" But I can't stop to cry. So frustrating and depressing! In panic, i unconsciously asked Jihyun to lend me her phone and began to type the number which just running on my mind. I just did what just crossing on my mind.  "Hello?"the voice on the line greeted me. "*sobs* Kai...," "Sulli?! What's wrong with you?"hearing Kai's voice just made my cry ever harder. "Calm down, sweetheart. Tell me what's going on?" "I...i lost my bag *sobs* my phone, my wallet...the most important my papers. I'm so done Kai,"i cried even harder when he called me 'sweetheart', i felt like a spoiled girl in front of him. "How did you lose it?"he asked softly. "I left it with Jihyun. I should meet my teacher and when i came back she lost the bag," "Pass the phone to Jihyun,"Kai said in husky voice. I felt that he's going to scold her but I didn't care because I couldn't even thinking straight so i passed the phone to Jihyun.  My guess was right. Kai scolded Jihyun and demanded her to find my bag. He said in a very controlled yet firm voice and Jihyun got pale so she started to search the bag again. I felt sorry to Jihyun but I was hopeless too. The bag was so important. "Calm down Sulli, I'm at class right now so I can't go to your place. If you can't still find the bag, i'll pick you up,"Kai said to me after Jihyun left. "*sobs* o...okay Kai. I'm okay, i can go home with Sohyun. Thank you and sorry for bothering you,"i said, slowly I realized that i went to Kai instead of Sehun. My heart felt complicated. "Never mind Sulli. If it's you, I would never feel bothered,"he said, i felt smile at his tone. I smiled bitterly. How i miss him so much yet i have Sehun right now.  "Thank you,"i said almost whispered. After the phone call ended, i laid down to the bench lifelessly trying to process what's going on. What just i've done. In panic and couldn't think straight, i went to Kai instead of my current boyfriend slash first crush Sehun. Do i still in love with Kai? Why now my heart couldn't stop beating so fast and i want to meet Kai badly? I felt tears running out from my eyes as i felt guilty with Sehun cause i felt like just betray him.   *fast forward* The day when i lost my bag (but eventually found it that actually Jihyun left it with Mino our classmate) things went not as smooth as it was before when i was with Sehun. Guilty and dilemma at a same time. I couldn't stop thinking about how i got used with Kai deeply until unconsciously i searched him. What Sehun for me actually? My heart was still beating fast whenever i saw Sehun, touched him and being at his side, i still felt happy but my mind went to Kai as well. But whenever i had phonecall with Kai, i felt the same to as i feel whenever I'm with Sehun. I was talking with Kai, but half of my mind and heart were at Sehun. I'm so ed. "Why did you go for me when you lost your bag?" That one day Kai asked me, we talked via phone frequently and he began to pick me up from college like before. Of course Sehun was still here, yet i met Kai when Sehun didn't see me.  His question just made me speechless. I know I'm being y about this. I went Kai when I'm dating Sehun. I went to Sehun when i was dating Kai. I can't recognize my heart anymore. But when kai asked me that, my heart was beating so fast. Unknowingly tears rolled down to my cheeks. "No don't cry. You