“When everything ends what do you want to do?” Luhan asked, looking dead serious too early in the morning.

Xiumin hitched up his backpack. “What do you mean? School?”

“School, university, work everything.” Luhan said after he made a quick pace so he could walk backward while facing Xiumin. “After they all end.”

“Die?” Xiumin laughed at Luhan.

It's not funny."

“Why so serious?”

Luhan stopped, causing Xiumin to stop too. “I don’t know. I just feel like why do we have to struggle to live when there’s nothing to live for.”

“Nothing to live for?” Xiumin repeatedly, amused.

“You know, nothing to wake up for every morning. We don’t have the urge to do something, see new things or meet new people. It’s always the same thing every day.” Luhan explained, his hands were also busy while he talked. “All we are doing right now is go to school so we can go to college then get a job. Doesn’t it sound boring to you?”

Xiumin tilted his head to one side and pondered Luhan’s words. “Maybe your problem is that you already have everything. You don’t have to worry about getting a job and all.”

Luhan made a face. “What do I have?”

Xiumin smiled at Luhan’s innocent face, clearly missing all the wonderful things in life that he owned. “What I don’t have.”

It didn’t take long for Luhan to know where Xiumin was going at.  Luhan looked so offended and angry. “Don’t keep reminding me that. You have family. I am your family! We are family!”

“You are not my real family.” Xiumin said, matter-of-factly.

“You wanna know a fact?” Luhan asked way too suddenly that Xiumin almost chocked on his drinks.  Luhan had been quiet during class and had been ignoring Xiumin totally so Xiumin was only expecting silence from his friend.

They were at the basketball court having their lunch. Luhan could be acting like an but he didn’t forget to get them food and drag Xiumin to his favourite place for lunch. In between his coughs Xiumin managed to reply. “W-what?”

Luhan was worried when Xiumin looked like he was going to upchuck his lungs. After he was sure Xiumin was going to live, Luhan said. “It wasn’t because we are friends.”

“What wasn’t?” Xiumin asked. “You are so weird. You need to stop doing that. One time you are so quiet and one time y-…never mind. Ugh…My throat.”

“I swear you will probably die from chocking on your own drinks.” Luhan shook his head at Xiumin and used his sleeve to wipe the corner of Xiumin’s mouth.

“Yeah, wonder who will be the reason behind my death.” Xiumin said, pushing away Luhan’s hand off his face.

Luhan made and exaggerated eye roll. He then let out a heavy sigh and slowly said. “It wasn’t because we are friends. Mother and father didn’t adopt you because we are friends.”

“Probably because my parents were their friends.” Xiumin reasoned out.

“Not that either!” Luhan growled feeling unreasonably angry.

Xiumin sighed. He wished to end the conversation quickly. Talking about his dead parents was not the thing he wanted to do during lunch break. “Okay, tell me. Why did they adopt me?”

“I am not going to say a word to you.”  Luhan looked away from Xiumin looking pissed off.

“Then don’t.” Xiumin nonchalantly replied and grabbed his sandwich. “Why are we eating sandwich every day?” He complained and he didn’t expect Luhan to reply. He was fully prepared for at least two more hours of silence from his friend.

Luhan sat still not touching his food. Whatever appetite he had was gone.

“Hey, I am so hungry; if you don’t want to eat yours can I have it?” Xiumin said, eying Luhan’s sandwich after he had finished his.

Luhan pushed his sandwich to Xiumin without looking and Xiumin took it. “I am sorry, I am just so hungry.” Xiumin apologized.

For a few minutes the only sound coming from both of them was the sound of Xiumin chewing on his food. Both refused to say anything to each other.

Luhan groaned and lied on his back on the court. He gazed up at the sky. They were lucky it was cloudy that day.

Xiumin who had finished eating absentmindedly played with his sleeves and followed Luhan’s gaze. “Do you think my parents are looking at me right now? Like they are really in heaven, watching over me?”

Luhan smiled, his anger immediately gone. “I think they are.”

Xiumin grinned at the reply. It seemed that Luhan didn’t need two hours to start talking to him. Xiumin proceeded to lie next to Luhan. “Why are you so angry today Luhan?”

Luhan shut his eyes for a brief moment before he answered. “I am pissed at how you don’t appreciate the life you have now.”

Xiumin didn’t say anything.

“I am pissed that you think people are kind to you not because they love you.”

Xiumin didn’t say anything.

“And for your information my parents adopted you because they love you. They love you even before your parents died. At some points I think they love you more than they love me and I am not complaining. I am completely okay with it.”

Xiumin shifted to lie on his side, facing Luhan. “I think it’s because they have an for a son, so why not adopt the angelic me.”

Luhan smiled. “I hate you.”

“Good, because I love you too.”

Luhan grinned. “Your parents loved me more though. They are probably watching over me.”

“No they did not. They loved me best.”

“No, they loved me best. I got a pair of football boots for Christmas and all you got was a shirt.”

“It was a Rolling Stones shirt. You wished you had the same shirt.”

“No, thank you. I just don’t understand why you love rock so much. I wouldn’t want a shirt for Christmas.”

Xiumin smiled weakly. Luhan hated his taste in music. Luhan was everything that was the opposite of him but still they were the best of friends. “We are not getting any present from them this year.”

“I think I know what I want to do!” Luhan exclaimed loudly rewarding a glare from his father.

“You need to stop doing so much thinking at the dinner table, young man.” Mr. Lu said while pointing a fork to Luhan’s direction.

Luhan didn’t bother. “Xiumin, I think I know now!”

“Han, you haven’t touched your food.” His mother said. “And let Xiumin eat then you can talk.”

Xiumin snickered, enjoying the little show.

“Isn’t the purpose of eating dinner together is so we could have a proper conversation where we exchange thoughts and ideas?” Luhan complained, stabbing his chicken.

Mr Lu could be heard sighing. “Okay Han, let’s hear your thoughts and ideas.”

Luhan lighted up. His changing emotion was an amusement to everyone. “I am thinking about going travelling all over the world.”

“All over the world?” Xiumin repeated.

“All over the world.” Luhan said, excited. “Remember what I said this morning? I have a reason to live for now. I want to go travel.”

Mrs. Lu who at first didn’t want to engage in the conversation couldn’t resist asking. “What do you mean you have a reason to live for now, Han? Don’t you love sports? Don’t you want to become a professional football player?”

“I love sports but I am not making it a career.” Luhan answered. He was waiting for Xiumin’s response but Xiumin wasn’t giving him anything. Xiumin was busy with his food.

“So, travelling is a career?” Mr. Lu asked, smiling at his only son. “I mean are you going to become a tv host or something?”

Luhan pouted. “No. It just means that I think I want to travel and see places.”

Mr. Lu put down his fork and knife to focus on Luhan. “I can’t help but feel a little bit concerned when you said you have a reason to live for now. Don’t you have any reason before?”

Luhan shrugged, playing with his food. “I don’t know. I just didn’t know where I am going with my life.”

“You are way too young to be wondering about it. Just enjoy your life for now. Go to school, make friends and go to college.” Mr. Lu said.

“I am so not into business, dad.” Luhan stated quickly.

“And I am not forcing you to work for me.” Mr. Lu replied. “You can do whatever you want but I will have Xiumin keeping an eye on you all the time.”

Xiumin snickered and added. “He is not going far from you, Mr Lu. He is afraid of heights.”

“There are trains Xiumin, trains.” Luhan said while pointing his fork at Xiumin. When he was sure his parents weren’t looking, Luhan mouthed to Xiumin, Call him dad.

______________________________________________________________________________

“I don’t get why dad insisted you to come with me. You don’t even like sports.” Luhan said apologetically.

“It’s okay Luhan. I can play football too.” Xiumin said for the hundredth time that day. “I also enjoy watching.”

“If you want to leave you can leave. We’ll meet somewhere when I am done with training.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“I want you to stay but I don’t want to force you to stay.” Luhan explained.

Xiumin slapped Luhan’s arm. “No one is forcing me, I come because I want to. I am keeping an eye on you.” Xiumin said, mimicking Mr. Lu.

“Yeah, right.”

“I have to look out for you. Call you out on your bull.”

Luhan smiled. “It’s not like I am going to commit a crime or anything.”

“We can’t be sure about that.” Xiumin said, eyeing Luhan from the corner of his eyes.

Luhan let out a loud pfft. “That kid was asking for it.”

“You didn’t have to hit him. He was hospitalized for two days Luhan.” Xiumin shook his head at the memory.

Last week, he followed Luhan to his football training. A boy named, Eric had picked up a fight with Luhan by calling him Xiumin a girl. Luhan didn’t handle the teasing so well and he had punched Eric and broke his nose.

“They said he had problem breathing.” Xiumin added.

“Well, he has his big mouth. He can use it for a better purpose now than talk about you.”

“You really need to control your temper.”

“We don’t have to worry about that.” Luhan put his hand over Xiumin’s shoulder as they walked side by side. “I have you right? To look out for me? To call me out on my bull?”

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“This is bull.”

“It’s an art. It’s music.”

Luhan frowned at Xiumin’s album collection. They were all from rock bands and there were some groups Luhan had never ever heard of before. “Guns N’ Roses? That sounds seriously rock to the core.”

“Shut up.” Xiumin said sounding vaguely irritated as he grabbed his album back from Luhan. “What are you doing in my room? Get out.”

Luhan’s only response was to lie in Xiumin’s bed. “Nope.”

“If you are going to annoy me about my music you better leave.”

Luhan rolled over until he lied on his belly. “Come on princess, don’t be so touchy.”

Xiumin grabbed a pillow and threw it right at Luhan’s head. “Get out!”

Luhan pushed the pillow away, not looking amused. “First of all, that hurts. Second of all, I am bored.”

“First of all, it supposed to hurt. Second of all, that’s what you get for calling me princess!” Xiumin barked. “You are no different than Eric!”

“Okay, I am sorry.” Luhan apologized and changed into sitting position. Something was clearly bothering Xiumin and he had been waiting for Xiumin to tell but it seemed like Xiumin preferred keeping it all to himself. “What’s wrong with you lately?”

Xiumin sat on the floor and collected his albums that were spread on the floor. “Nothing.”

Luhan got off the bed and sat right in front of Xiumin. “You can talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Something is clearly bothering you.”

“I am okay, Luhan.”

“Xiumin…”

 Xiumin slammed his albums back on the floor. “Which part of I am okay escapes your understanding?” He hissed. It sounded so harsh that Luhan was taken aback.

Luhan nodded slowly and climbed on his feet. “I will go then.”

“Good.”

They didn’t talk for days and went to school separately. Luhan left for school late every day and had his seat changed with one of their classmates. It worked out well for them because Luhan had always wanted to sit at the back of the class but wasn’t able to do so since Xiumin preferred sitting at the middle.

At home, Xiumin locked himself in his room, blasting his rock songs and Luhan always found ways so he could get out of the house. Luhan was getting busier with his football training.

It seemed like they had grown apart over a problem unknown to Luhan. Luhan thought he should give Xiumin some space. They went to the same school and live at the same house, maybe his presence had started to annoy Xiumin. Luhan considered this but quickly pushed the thought away. He would never be annoyed by Xiumin’s presence. He liked it being close to Xiumin. Hell, he cared for Xiumin so much.

If Xiumin needed space he would give it but he had started to feel incredibly miserable by it. His stomach was churning when they accidently bumped into each other but Xiumin was fast to run away. It felt so weird sometimes. It was weird because when they grew apart that was when Luhan knew how much he needed Xiumin in his life.

It was completely normal at the dinner table. They had gotten used to acting for the sake of the captive audiences, Mr. and Mrs. Lu. It was like they came to term over a silent rule that Mr. and Mrs. Lu should never know that they were not talking to each other.

Luhan, being the one who kept the conversation happening during dinner was always let down by how cold Xiumin was treating him. The bitterness sometimes accidentally shown when Luhan’s shoulders dropped after the eye contact they made ended.

Luhan wasn’t quite sure if he liked dinner or hated it. Sometimes he found himself running from his busy schedule to get home on time but sometimes he made excuses so he could skip dinner and preferred being hungry all night.

Tonight he was feeling so tired that no word escaped his mouth. He just listened to the conversation between his parents and Xiumin. Xiumin sounded happy and Luhan was glad. He was glad that despite everything Xiumin was happy. That was all that’s important.

“We actually have a performance this Monday. It’s a big thing for me, will you come?”

Luhan heard Xiumin said. He stopped eating and stared blankly at Xiumin. “Performance?”

“Yeah, my rock band. I have a rock band, don’t you remember?”

Luhan couldn’t hide his surprise expression. “You do?”

“Yes Luhan, I told you.”

Of course, Xiumin didn’t tell him. He probably had skipped the part where Xiumin had mentioned anything about the band at the dinner table. Dinner was their only way of getting updates about each other.

When did he form a band? It’s a big thing. Xiumin should have told him about this.

Luhan slowly said in a weak voice. “Xiumin loves rock music.”

“We know that.” Mr. and Mrs. Lu said in unison before they laughed at each other. Xiumin just smiled at the couple.

“Am I not invited?” Luhan asked abruptly.

“I would invite you but you have a game that day.”

“What day?”

“This Monday, Luhan.” Mrs. Lu answered for Xiumin.

“Yes, I have a game that day but you could just ask me.”

“You can’t go.” Xiumin replied.

“Whether I am going or not isn’t the problem.”

“You can’t miss the game” Xiumin said sternly.

Luhan had always went along to whatever Xiumin said but not tonight. “It’s my decision.”

Xiumin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, will you come on Monday, Luhan?”

Luhan opened his mouth and closed it back.

Xiumin gave Luhan a sharp look. “That’s okay, Luhan. I fully understand.”

“You look upset sweetheart. Is there something bothering you?” Mrs. Lu asked Luhan as she reached out and caressed Luhan’s hair.

Luhan shook his head. “Nothing Mother.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

Mr Lu smiled at his wife, thinking that the boys were just having their normal bickering session and added. “What kind of music do you like Luhan? You never told us.”

Luhan lied on his bed, staring at the ceiling he suddenly found interesting. He didn’t care what his parents were thinking. If they knew they were fighting, he couldn’t care less. What else was Xiumin expecting him to do? He tried to mend whatever was broken between them but all attempts seemed unsuccessful. Xiumin couldn’t be bothered.

Was that all they were now?

“Nice job letting them think we are fighting.” XIumin said as he entered Luhan’s room.

Luhan who was caught off guard sat bolt upright in his bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Don’t worry, I am not here to talk to you. Well, I told your parents I will talk to you. But we don’t really have to do the talking. We’ll just pretend that nothing happened. They are just worried.”

“Pretend like nothing happened.” Luhan repeated, enraged because obviously something happened. The last time Xiumin came into his room was months ago. He still didn’t understand what had gotten into Xiumin to be acting like such an . “You are such an , you know that?”

Xiumin smirked. “The fact has just only recently been firmly established.”

“Recently?” Luhan wanted to slap the smirk of Xiumin’s face. “Is this all we are now? Pretending everything is fine?”

“Do you want to let you parents know that we’ve been on each other’s throat?”

“No.” Luhan answered.

“Then we will continue pretending, you got me?”

“I don’t even know if we are fighting. You are just acting weird.” Luhan stood up from his bed and took few steps closer to Xiumin, couldn’t believe what he was hearing from him. “How long do you think we have to do this ?”

“Forever?” Xiumin suggested.

Luhan couldn’t hide his surprise. “Who the hell are you?” His voice dropped several octaves.

Xiumin stood, unmoved as Luhan got closer to him. “People change, Luhan.”

“And what is the reason behind this change?”

Xiumin smirked. “Not for you to know. I’m done. I’m going out.”

Xiumin turned around and was about to walk away when Luhan grabbed his arm, stopping him from leaving. “I will tell you this, just once, so listen carefully.” Luhan said sternly.

Xiumin tried to free himself from Luhan but was to no avail. Luhan had a strong grip on him.

“Listen to me.” Luhan hissed. Luhan used his other hand to grab Xiumin’s collar, pulling him close so he could whisper to Xiumin’s ear. They were so close that Luhan could smell Xiumin’s favourite cologne. Xiumin was frozen in place. “Luhan…”

Luhan took a deep breath. He had to fight the tears that were threatened to fall. “If I did hurt you in any way, forgive me. I can’t live like this. I want the old you. I miss the old you.” Luhan paused, trying to control his emotion. “But if you can’t find any way to forgive me, that’s okay too but I have to warn you, things will change. Not that you will care, but they will change. I will play your game.” Luhan pushed Xiumin away from him and pointed to the door. “Now, leave.”

Luhan’s words sounded more like a warning that they gave shiver to Xiumin.

“Get out, now.” Luhan said, not looking at Xiumin at all. He hated how Xiumin was emotionally affecting him. He hated how much control the other boy had on him. He was going to lessen that control. Forever.

“Luhan.”

Luhan waited for days for Xiumin’s response but it never came. So he assumed he must have really ed up somewhere that Xiumin didn’t even care to forgive. He knew he had to accept the fact he had lost a friend and a family so when he saw Eric punched Xiumin in school, Luhan only stopped for a good two seconds before he walked away.

“I am okay” Luhan told his mother, pulling her hand off his forehead. “It’s nothing.”

“You are having a fever.” Mrs Lu said. She grabbed on Luhan sweater, pulling him backwards when he tried to escape her. “Where are you going?”

“Training. Where else?” Luhan answered as he fixed his sweater. “Mother, I am late.”

Mrs Lu studied her son carefully. She bent down a little and cupped Luhan’s face with both hands. “I know when my baby is lying to me.”

“I am not lying and I am not a baby.”Luhan protested.

Mrs. Lu looked at Luhan, amused. “Luhan, your training ended two weeks ago. Your teacher told me.”

Luhan’s eyes went wide. “You called my teacher? Mother, that’s embarrassing!”

Mrs. Lu pulled away from her son and said. “You are being so obvious don’t you know that? Do you not like it that Xiumin stays with us? You were okay in the beginning but I can see you are trying to escape him every chance you get.”

Luhan looked away, avoiding his mother’s eyes. She always knew. “No.”

“Luhan, you are still our son. We love you more than…”

Luhan was quick to stop his mother. “No! That’s not it. Don’t say that. You will hurt him.”

His mother looked at him fondly and continued. “More than anything in this world and I love Xiumin just as much.”

Luhan looked relived. “Thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“For loving me…and Xiumin.” Luhan said. “Equally.”

“Then tell me what’s wrong.”

 “Nothing is wrong.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, mother.” Luhan looked to the floor and nodded. He hoped his mother will end the conversation soon.

Mrs. Lu let out a loud hmph and turned around and headed to the kitchen. “If you two don’t get along I will have to send Xiumin back to Korea. He looks stressed out it’s not good for him and it’s not good for you either. He just lost his parents I don’t want him to be upset while he stays with us. I will ask your father about this and then I will ask Xiumin if he wants to go back to Korea.”

His mother’s words sent alarm blaring in his ears. Not having Xiumin in his life was the last thing he wanted. Luhan dropped his bag pack and made a quick pace to the kitchen. “Mother, nothing is wrong with us. I promise. I will take care of Xiumin, I promise. I will not hurt him, Mother. Don’t send him back to Korea.”

Luhan was holding his mother’s hand when he said. “You promised his parents you will take care of him. We are his family. His only family.”

“Oh, what is a family when you are not talking to each other?” Mrs. Luhan said, pretending to ignore Luhan’s pleading.

“We talk to each other. I am just sick. I don’t feel like talking to anyone.” Luhan grabbed his mother’s hand and put it on his forehead. “Look, I am having a fever.”

Mrs. Lu looked down at Luhan and smiled. “Oh really? I thought you were okay.”

“I am not. I feel dizzy.”

Mrs. Lu couldn’t help but laughed. She pinched Luhan’s red cheek. “Okay, go call Xiumin, lunch is ready.”

“Promise me Xiumin is not going anywhere. You will take care of him.” Luhan pleaded. “Mother, will you promise me?”

They had finished high school when things started to change for the better. They could finally maintain a conversation for more than five minutes and usually it was about college and sports. Sometimes it felt like they were talking to strangers they met at the bus station while waiting for the bus. It was always awkward but was everyday expected by Luhan.

Years, for years Luhan had ignored Xiumin completely while repeatedly telling his parents he was not jealous by Xiumin’s presence. Xiumin was their son.

For Mr. and Mrs. Lu, it was hard to understand the two boys. Both would say nothing was wrong when the opposite was apparent. They had stopped broaching the subject since the night Luhan stormed out of the house, annoyed for being asked the same question.

More holidays were spent in Korea instead of in the China. Luhan was very adamant about celebrating holidays in Korea every year. His parents were baffled at first because Luhan was not a fan of airplanes. Luhan reasoned out that he wanted to fix that one problem he had.

Luhan spent most of the time in Korea with his good friend, Chen. Chen was their neighbour in Korea. They had become best of friends because they shared the same idea about travelling. Mr. Lu suspected the two had been planning for their big escape for quite some time now.

Meanwhile, Xiumin would hang out with his cousins, Kai and KyungSoo. Both were younger than him. 

 ________________________________________________________________________________

 Luhan came to a halt when he saw Xiumin at a café with a girl. He knew that girl. Her name was Lily and Lily was his first crush. Luhan had no idea since when the two became friends for all he knew Xiumin hardly talked to girls.

Luhan maintained his cool and walked past the couple. Were they even a couple?

“Luhan! Hey!” Lily called out for Luhan who looked like he was trying to run away.

Luhan spun around and awkwardly replied. “Oh..hi Lily.” Too late to pretend not to hear her.

 “Come, sit down.” Lily offered. “I was just talking to Xiumin.”

Luhan shook his head and smiled. “No, I think I should go. I am late.”

“Go where?” Xiumin looked up and asked casually.

“I.. I have a… you know…” Luhan scratched the back of his head and luckily Xiumin interfered.

“Owh…Are you going to play basketball?” Xiumin lied for him. Luhan swore that lying had become Xiumin’s talent.

Luhan nodded vigorously. “Yeah.. that.”  

“Are you in a hurry? We were discussing something about moving to the U.K. Thought you wanna hear about it.” Lily said as she pulled a chair for Luhan.

“U.K?” Luhan repeated. He felt like he just got hit by a truck. “To… together?”

Lily tapped on the chair. “Come on, sit down. I wanna hear about your future planning. What do you plan to do after this?”

Luhan’s stomach was churning and he didn’t know why. But he did know he hated the idea of Xiumin and Lily moving in together. All of a sudden, he couldn’t function very well. His mouth was open but he spoke no word. The time had come where Xiumin would leave his family and he had a good reason for it.

Xiumin stood up from his chair and grabbed Luhan’s arm. “Luhan, are you okay?”

Luhan looked at Xiumin confused. He wasn’t ready to lose Xiumin. Well not to Lily or perhaps not to anything in this world. He looked at the hand that was holding him. What was it that felt so strange?

Sensing the discomfort, Xiumin quickly let go of Luhan. “You are making me worried.” Xiumin, for the first time in years was worrying about Luhan.

“I am okay.” Luhan lied. “Don’t worry.”

“Luhan, what’s wrong? You look kinda pale.” Lily added. She too was already on her feet.

Luhan managed a weak smile and straightened up. “No. I am okay. Something just crossed my mind.”

“Xiumin, maybe you should take him home.” Lily told Xiumin.

“Let’s go.” Xiumin agreed.

Luhan couldn’t hide the surprise and looked at Xiumin as if he had said the most ridiculous thing ever. “What?”

“I’m not letting you walk home alone like this.” Xiumin said, trying to appear nonchalant.

“Yeah…right.” Luhan still couldn’t act casual despite having Lily who was looking at them. All these years Xiumin never cared for him and suddenly he was being all nice and even offered to walk him home. “I think I am okay. How about you just stay with your girlfriend here? I can walk home alone.”

“Luhan…” Xiumin said, his eyes went wide. Lily was blushing hard.

Luhan slowly took a step back. “You guys continue with your future planning. I gotta go.” He spun around and walked away as fast as he could.

Xiumin followed suit. “Luhan, stop!”

Luhan was too busy thinking that he couldn’t hear Xiumin. He was always so pissed off with Xiumin but today he had a full blown jealousy fit which was wrong in every sense. He swore not to let Xiumin affect him emotionally, he had sworn that. So why did the thought of losing Xiumin hurt him so bad? Lily? Geez, Xiumin could do better.

Xiumin was the most perfect human being who deserved to be loved by someone who cared for him more than his own life. Xiumin deserved someone who would love him more than anything else in this world. Xiumin could just stay and he would do everything for Xiumin. Yeah, he could take care of Xiumin. He had been doing so for years. No one could take Xiumin away from him.

Luhan stopped abruptly upon realizing something that he had once suspected.

“Luhan!”

The very familiar voice, and the desperation that he had missed.  Luhan thought he should stopped running away now. He turned around and came face to face with Xiumin. This was the face that had haunted his dreams and the face that had put him into so much misery.

“Tell me what I should do.” Luhan ordered to a completely mystified Xiumin.

“What?”

Luhan grabbed Xiumin’s arms and repeated. “Tell me what I should do?”

Xiumin stood still. “I don’t…”

“I’ve been doing whatever you asked me to do.” Luhan said. “I stayed away from you. I quit bothering you. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Luhan.”

“You know I’d do anything to make you stay, so tell me what I should do to make you stay.” Luhan inquired.

Xiumin remained silent and he looked away.

“Are you running away from me?” Luhan asked, looking deeply wounded.

“I am.” Xiumin answered to Luhan’s surprise. “I have been planning to run away from you since we were in high school...”

Luhan let go of Xiumin and bent over, holding his knees. He had thought of this but he just didn’t find any concrete reason why Xiumin would want to do so. “Why?” Luhan whimpered. “Why do you hate me so much?”

“That’s the problem.” Xiumin placed a hand on Luhan’s shoulder. “I don’t hate you.”

Luhan slapped Xiumin’s hand away, straightened up and took a step back, fuming. “You confused the hell out of me.”

“You don’t understand.” Xiumin said and tried to reach for Luhan’s hand.

“Make me understand damn it!” Luhan screamed, not caring people passing by the sidewalk. “I had an accident two years ago you never bothered to care. You didn’t even ask if I was okay. But suddenly you want to walk me home. What the Xiumin?”

“Luhan, let’s talk about this at home.” Xiumin begged. “I will explain to you.”

“You know what I think? I think you know best how to hurt me. You know by moving away you’d hurt me more than a ing accident would.” Luhan accused, pointing a shaking finger towards Xiumin.

Xiumin grabbed Luhan’s hand and pulled the other man away from the crowded sidewalk. Luhan protested at first but Xiumin had a stronger grip so he ended up following Xiumin.

They arrived at an alley and lucky for them there was no one there. Xiumin let go of Luhan’s hand and took a deep breath. He took few steps away from Luhan. “You are driving me nuts.” Xiumin hissed between his gritted teeth while grabbing his own hair. 

Luhan leaned on the wall and slid down to the ground, looking utterly disappointed. He was so angry he couldn’t even look at Xiumin.  How dare Xiumin say he was driving him nuts? It was Xiumin who drove him crazy.

Now that no one was witnessing them, both Xiumin and Luhan had nothing to say. Xiumin proceeded to sit on the other side of the alley, facing Luhan who had been staring at his own feet. They stayed quiet for few minutes because that was the only way to keep Luhan from bursting into another angry fit.

Xiumin knew and remembered quite well it how long it usually took for Luhan to calm down but they didn’t have that long. Xiumin stood up and walked over to Luhan, approaching him carefully like approaching a wounded animal. When he was sure Luhan wasn’t going to run away he sat down next to him.

Xiumin cleared his throat and said. “I’ve planned this for years.”

“Heard you the first time.” Luhan snapped. “What the makes you think this will make me feel better?”

“Maybe it will make you feel better if you know it’s not your fault.” Xiumin quickly added.

“What do you mean?” 

Xiumin stared at Luhan for a good few seconds. “You will hate me if you know.”

Luhan’s expression changed, he took Xiumin’s hand in his. “Nothing will make me hate you…but your leaving will.”

Xiumin pulled his hand away slowly. “You are killing me.” Xiumin said sadly.

“And I will kill Lily.” Luhan added as if threatening to kill someone was not a thing to frown upon.

“You will not kill Lily.” Xiumin ordered.

Luhan turned to face Xiumin. “What did I even do to you? Do I have to apologize? Because if that can make you stay, I will.”

Xiumin smiled weakly. “This is why I can’t stay. You have been too nice on me.”

Luhan’s eyebrows met. “Is that a crime?” He asked, dumbfounded.

“No. Not really.”

“Is it because of Lily?” Luhan couldn’t hide his jealousy in his voice. “Are you leaving me because of her?”

“Are you jealous?”

Luhan made a face. “No!”

Xiumin just ended up laughing. “You are always so possessive over me. Well, were…”

Luhan was annoyed. “Because you are my friend!”

Xiumin sighed. He appeared to be thinking hard before he said. “I don’t think I ever thought of you as a friend. That’s the problem.”

Luhan stood up, enraged. “Why do you hate me so much?”

“Calm down.” Xiumin held out his hand to Luhan and surprisingly Luhan took it. He pulled Luhan back down.

Luhan sat down reluctantly, he swore, one more bull he will run away and Xiumin can go to hell.

“Where to even begin.” Xiumin said after a long sigh. “I did not stop caring. I was trying to keep a distance between us. We were too close.”

Luhan frowned. “Because we are friends. It’s normal.”

“Because we are friends.” Xiumin agreed. “But I do believe the feelings I have for you is more than friendship. You won’t understand and I don’t want you to because you will hate me.”

“I will hate you if you keep saying . Just go straight to the point!” Luhan sneered in frustration.

Xiumin laughed. “Look at us, we are talking.”

“I will punch you, in the face, if you don’t give me an answer.” Luhan warned and he looked like he was a heartbeat away from doing so.

Xiumin shook his head. He wasn’t ready to tell Luhan why he did what he did. They were talking to each other and what more he could’ve ever wanted. “Can’t we just start anew and be friends again?”

“You er. Why is it so hard to tell me what’s wrong? I am trying to fix things between us if you could appreciate it just a bit.” Luhan had had enough and stormed away in annoyance. Xiumin had decided to be difficult and Luhan had decided to be an .

Before Luhan could leave the alley, Xiumin responded. “You can’t fix anything. And I can’t help it.”

Luhan stopped in his track and waited because he knew Xiumin wasn’t done.

Xiumin stood up and continued. “I’ve loved you more than I should.”

Luhan turned around very slowly to face Xiumin whose eyes were fixed to the ground.

After the confession, things just turned more awkward between them. Luhan had developed a skill of running away whenever Xiumin was home, much to Xiumin’s heartbreak. Xiumin should have trusted his conscience and had regretted his decision to confess. Which man in his right mind would not think it was a bit creepy to live in the same house with another man who was in love with him. He knew he should have kept it to himself forever.

It had been four years since he moved back to Korea. Xiumin had finished his study and was working at a café. Things had fallen back in place except he had missed Mr. and Mrs. Lu so much. They called very often and came to Korea to check on him twice a year the least. The caring never stopped and Xiumin was very grateful for that.

Since he left China, he hadn’t heard anything from Luhan. He tried to call but Luhan was never home. For a couple of years he tried, hoping Luhan could forgive him and maybe they could be friends again. Damn, he’d take anything Luhan had to offer but it seemed like Luhan had nothing to give him. It was two years ago when he had given up on Luhan completely. Never spoke about him nor had he ever tried to contact him again. When he waited for Mr. and Mrs. Lu at the airport, he never bothered to stretch his neck looking for any sign of Luhan, in case he might come along.

Xiumin focused on his study and his work to distract himself from thinking about Luhan. For all he might know, Luhan could be somewhere; cringing about the love he had for him. There was never a day passed without him regretting his confession.

He heaved out a heavy sigh and took out his phone from his pocket. He put on his earphone and played his favorite rock songs. That will kill the emptiness he felt inside, at least for a while.

It was very dark outside and Xiumin was walking home alone after his shift at the café was over. A few seconds before Knocking On Heaven’s Door ended, his phone signalled him to a new text message.

Where are you?

Xiumin frowned after reading the message. He wasn’t familiar with the numbers.

“Well, who the hell are you?” Xiumin muttered to himself and decided to ignore the message. Well, it could be Kai. That kid changed his phone number regularly in his attempts to run away from his many ex-girlfriends. Upon remembering he had promised Kai to take him out for dinner, Xiumin quickened his pace.

He pulled his sweater close to him and looked up to the sky believing his parents were looking at him. Xiumin smiled to himself remembering the conversation he once had with Luhan when they were younger. Those were the good times. The times when he would trust everything Luhan said. Luhan promised to take care of him and here he was, living alone. 

He admitted that he was both mean and selfish to push Luhan away from his life. Now, he got a taste of his own medicine because he had royally ed up the situation. Luhan was probably the best thing that had ever happened to him, Luhan was the best friend who stayed with him through thick and thin and…. he was there in front of his house.

Xiumin stopped as if he had hit an invisible wall. His feet refused to move and he even considered turning around and run away. It was like seeing a ghost from his past. Luhan was there, standing outside his gate, both hands in the pocket while kicking the stone on the ground. When Luhan lifted his head up and looked past the gate into his house, Xiumin’s heart skipped a beat. Was Luhan here to look for him? One part of him told him, what else could Luhan be doing here right now if it wasn’t for him? Another part of him told him to run away, spare himself from more humiliation and rejection.

The second option seemed like the wiser choice. But if he leaves, he would never know why Luhan came. He could just call and tell Luhan he was busy or something and just ask through phone. That would be less embarrassing. But he didn’t have Luhan’s number.

He must have been thinking out loud because right then Luhan turned around and their eyes met and Xiumin wanted to die. Act casual, he reminded himself but he couldn’t. Instead of continue walking to Luhan, Xiumin chose to stand there and prayed to god he was invincible.

Despite the distance, Xiumin could hear Luhan sighing.

“There you are.” Luhan said. His face was bright red and he was shivering. “I texted you. You didn’t reply.”

Xiumin pulled out his earphones. “Haven’t checked my phone.” Xiumin lied, secretly thanking god for not having any speech impairment.

“I am freezing.” Luhan said rubbing his hand together. “I waited for you for hours! Where have you been?”

“Who asked you to wait?”

Luhan pushed out his lower lips. “Is that the way you greet your friend?”

Xiumin smiled. He didn’t really know how to answer to that. He couldn’t completely register the fact Luhan was in front of him and they were making conversation. He made a mental note that he should not screw this. God was being nice and was giving him second chance.

“Let’s get inside.” Xiumin walked towards his house and took out the key to his gate, trying to act like his heart was going to jump out his mouth.

Luhan grabbed his hand when he tried to open his gate. “We need to talk now.”

“Can’t we go inside and talk?” Xiumin asked, nervous.

“No.”

Xiumin stared at the hand that was holding him. “Well… Okay.”

“What you did was stupid and you made me sad.” Luhan said as he pulled Xiumin to face him. “You made me confused and it wasn’t fair for me.”

“I know. I am sorry.” Xiumin apologized. He resisted the urge to touch Luhan’s face. He looked tired and pale. He had missed him so much and he was here.

“I have been doing a lot of thinking.”

“I can see that.”

“Shut up. Let me speak.”

“Okayyy”

“I finished my study and I went travelling with Chen.”

Xiumin nodded. “I know, your mother told me.”

“She is your mother too. Whatever happened between us does not lessen that fact. Stop calling her my mother. Luhan’s lips were trembling and as he closed his eyes, he continued. “And yes…I was away and the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about you and everywhere I went, I wished you were there with me.”

Xiumin could feel his heart pounding. Was he dreaming? Did he fall somewhere on his way home and hit his head pretty badly?

“You…” Luhan opened his eyes and pointed a finger to his head “Are always here. I can’t stop thinking… about you. It’s driving me nuts.”

Xiumin held both Luhan’s hands. “I think we should go inside. You are so pale.”

Luhan shook his head. “No. Let me finish.”

“Hmmm”

“I am sorry for running away from you. I really am.” Luhan apologized as he squeezed Xiumin’s hands. “I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I was panicked.”

“I deserved that.” Xiumin assured him. “When I told you how I feel about you, I wasn’t expecting anything from you. I was just afraid that you’d be disgusted.”

“Never.” Luhan’s eyes widened as he pointed a finger to Xiumin. “I can’t even hate you. I tried but I can’t.”

“That’s okay Luhan. I couldn’t have hoped for more. You don’t have to do anything about it. We can just be friends again.”

Luhan pulled his hands away. “I’ve been thinking about that too.”

“You can stop thinking now.” Xiumin said. “I stopped.”

“Excuse me?”

“I just want us to be friends again.”

Luhan narrowed his eyes at Xiumin. His lips were moving but nothing came out of them. He then straightened himself and asked. “So, you just stopped? Just like that?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Xiumin answered carefully.

Luhan looked upset. He looked like he was about to die from the cold too. “Even when we were younger, you were always in my head. Day and night and I thought that was normal because you hurt me. I was very sad when I thought I lost you.” Luhan explained. “We were too young and too close I couldn’t figure out my own feelings but you were always in my head.”

“Luhan…”

“Not once I stopped thinking about you. Never!”

Xiumin took a step back.

“And you just stopped thinking?” Luhan asked. “I can’t believe you. You put things into my head and left me to deal with it alone and you stopped thinking about it?!”

Xiumin knew he would lose Luhan again if he didn’t fix this. “Whatever you feel, I assure you I’ve felt much worse. You, you left first. Imagine what I felt.”

Luhan looked away. “I am sorry for that.”

“So we both did something wrong. I shouldn’t have pushed you out of my life.”

“It hurt. I was sad.”

“I know.”

“So, never make me sad again.” Luhan took Xiumin’s hand in his. “Promise that.”

“Yes, Luhan. I won’t.”

It took a few seconds before Luhan added. “There’s also something else we need to talk about.”

“We should really go inside. I don’t want you to freeze to death.” Xiumin suggested.

Luhan shook his head in refusal. “I need to know if… if what you felt for me, is it still there? I mean, do you still love me?” He stuttered.

Xiumin had prepared for this. He had made up scenarios in which he’d have to face Luhan and answer this question. “If you are going to run away from me again, then I am not in love with you anymore.”

“I am not going to run away from you.” Luhan told Xiumin whilst vigorously shaking his head.

Xiumin exhaled. “Before I say anything, I want you to know I am not expecting anything else in return. I just want my bestfriend back.’

“Okay”

Xiumin thought about this but he was sure that Luhan would keep his promise. “Luhan, you don’t just change love. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. Since I couldn’t stop loving that was why I stopped thinking. It hurt less.”

Luhan beamed. “So you stopped thinking because it will hurt you less?”

Xiumin rolled his eyes. Luhan still couldn’t let go of it. “Yes. But I never really stopped thinking because thinking that I should stop thinking still counts as thinking.”

Luhan’s eyebrows met. He looked confused. “I don’t want you to stop loving me and to stop thinking about me.”

Xiumin squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s wrong.”

Luhan cupped Xiumin’s face. Xiumin startled, his hands were ice cold. “I think I love you too. I think I have been in love with you for so long. Like I said, we were too close. I was confused.”

“Luhan…” Xiumin covered Luhan’s hand with his.

“I am not confused anymore. I want you back in my life. I don’t ever want to spend another day without you.”

Never once in his many made up scenarios Xiumin imagined Luhan would come and tell him something he ached to hear. He didn’t really know how to react to this. “You…you do?”

“I do. It’s not wrong.”

“It isn’t?”

“No.” Luhan pulled Xiumin into a hug. He hugged Xiumin like he never hugged anyone before. “I missed you so much it was killing me.”

“I miss you too.” Xiumin hugged him back. Tighter. Just because. “I thought I’ve lost you. I thought you have stopped taking care of me.”

Luhan buried his face in the crook of Xiumin’s neck. He chuckled. “No. I always have people watching over you.”

“What do you mean?”

Luhan kissed Xiumin’s neck tenderly. “Kai. Kyungsoo. My spies.” 

Xiumin ran his fingers through Luhan’s hair. “Those two…”

“Good spies.”

“Did you pay them?”

“Maybe.” Luhan pulled Xiumin closer by the waist. He kissed Xiumin’s cheek. “We are going to make this work. I promise.”

“Okay”

Luhan forced Xiumin to look at him. His eyes were full of light. “All my life, I keep trying to find a reason to live. I thought travelling was it.” Luhan took Xiumin’s hand and placed a soft kiss on his fingers. “But wherever I go, I am not as happy as when you were with me.”

Xiumin couldn’t recall anything he ever did to make Luhan happy. But here Luhan was, proclaiming his love to him even when the only thing he ever did to Luhan was putting his life in misery. “I hurt you.”

“You did but it’s okay now.” Luhan smiled. “I think I really, really love you to be able to put up with your nonsense. I even took a flight here.” He said, unable to keep from sounding like he was whining.

Xiumin laughed. He looked at Luhan lovingly and said. “And I think I really, really love you too.”

Luhan stared at Xiumin with so much love in his eyes and pushed him up against the gate. “I think it’s time to go inside.”

Xiumin nodded and wrapped his arms around Luhan’s neck and pulled him down to his lips. Luhan’s lips were cold but still soft and sweet. Just the way he had always imagined. They kissed slowly as a signal to the start of their relationship. Something that was more than friendship, something worth waiting for years and Xiumin was finally very, very happy. 

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Thanks for reading. Check my other stories 

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The One Who Left

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