2015

INTRODUCTION – LISTEN TO THIS FIRST YA BIG LUMP (2010) .mp3

            Hey, Chanyeol! If you’re listening to this, I’m probably in the land of the burger-eating humans. Not that we don’t eat burgers, it’s just that… Well, never mind—

            “You should think twice before listening to those recordings, that guy left you.” Kyungsoo said as he placed Chanyeol’s order on the table, bacon and eggs. Chanyeol is slouching, rolling the music player in his hands. He doesn’t stir when Kyungsoo comes, making the younger boy roll his eyes.

            “For Pete’s sake, you’re like a broken down highway truck. It’s been 5 years, he hasn’t contacted you, and you still persist on listening to that thing he calls survival kit?”        Chanyeol sighs—it’s always like this with Kyungsoo. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate his best friend’s concern; he just didn’t feel the need to bash Baekhyun behind his back.

            Five years… Chanyeol thinks to himself. Five years since he’s seen Baekhyun, and today marks that 5^th anniversary of him leaving on that plane. Chanyeol was so close, so close to running after him, grabbing him by the hand and tugging him into a warm embrace. The smaller would wriggle out and give him the same toothy smile, and Chanyeol’s hidden high school crush would finally be relieved.

            But it wasn’t.

            “Actually, it’s pretty much you’re fault that you let him go. Boy confessed to you the day before he left, and you still thought it would be a good time to act all homophobe.” Kyungsoo is now sitting across the counter, wiping his damp hands on his apron. Kyungsoo had been running the diner for 4 years, especially after he lost his mother after high school.

            As the silence settles, Kyungsoo leans in so close that his forehead almost grazes Chanyeol’s. “Who’s the ?”

            Chanyeol sighs. “I’m the .”

THE NOT SO-CONFESSION, CONFESSION (2007).mp3

            Hey Chanyeol… It’s Baek. Uh, by now you probably know that… I’m in love with you.

            “Chanyeol!” Baekhyun shouts, running after Chanyeol as the boy had just finished the race. Baekhyun is in tears, proud of what Chanyeol had accomplished. “I’m so proud of you! Them legs finally worth something, yeah?”

            Chanyeol nudges Baekhyun to the side, putting on an act. “I’m offended.”

            Baekhyun raises and eyebrow, breaking the silence with a chuckle.

            The stadium was slowly losing its audience, as the race had ended a little while back. Chanyeol walks to the showers with the rest of his competitors, as he stands champion. Baekhyun patiently waits for him outside, proud of his best friend’s accomplishment.

            When Chanyeol finishes up, they head to the diner.

            “Did you see me go?” Chanyeol says as he imitates his sprinting movements while his hands stay glued to the steering wheel. Baekhyun is laughing trying to calm the taller down. “Stay put or you’ll get us both killed.”

            Chanyeol calms down, driving through the highway at a 70. He retells Baekhyun about the incident in the shower, and how one of the boys at that fancy shmancy Seoul High confessed to the other boy at that fancy shmancy Seoul High, which wasn’t pretty.

            “Guy smacked him clean across the face. .” Chanyeol laughs, taking glances over at Baekhyun when he had the chance.

            “That’s gold!” Baekhyun echoes back, clutching his stomach as he tried to hold in his laughter. “That guy must’ve been pretty shocked huh?”

            “Yeah.” Chanyeol says as he tries to calm down his laughter, wiping away the glint of salt water in his eyes. “I would have been too.”

            Baekhyun turns to Chanyeol with a smile, clutching the car’s leather. “Why?”

            “I mean… it’d be weird. You know, if a guy confessed to me.”

            Baekhyun’s laughter slowly dies down, getting more and more curious as to what Chanyeol meant. “Weird? Weird how?”

            “Weird as in—I ain’t no homo—weird.”

            Chanyeol waits for Baekhyun to laugh with him, a chuckle, a snicker, but all he gets is silence. He turns to his right and sees that Baekhyun leans his head against the car’s door, eyes closed, with his legs hoisted to his chest. Chanyeol doesn’t really understand Baekhyun’s silence, and continues to drive on.

HOSPITAL VISIT #1 (2008).mp3

Remarks: first and last

            Chanyeol, you’re an A-class runner. It didn’t have to be this way.

            Chanyeol settles in the hospital bed, trying to wriggle his pinky toe through the cast. He flinches in pain when the movement causes rapid tingles down his leg, which forces him to stop.

            “Hey, Yeol.” Baekhyun says as he walks into the hospital room, a bouquet in hand. “I brought you you’re favorite…”

            “Oh, my, I can’t wait to devour those carnations.” Chanyeol tries to lighten up Baekhyun’s frown, but he doesn’t budge. “I’m just kidding, get in here.”

            Baekhyun walks slowly to the right side of the bed, trying his best not to stare at Chanyeol’s leg. “You doing okay?”

            The taller only shrugs, trying to give Baekhyun a vague answer. “Could have been worse, we’re alive, aren’t we?”

            And all of the sudden, Baekhyun bursts into tears. “I’m so… sorry… It was my fault… It should have been me instead… I’m so sorry…”

            Chanyeol’s face softens, trying his best to reach out to Baekhyun with his good arm. Baekhyun’s wounds were healing, but the scars from the accident on his cheek remain on his face. Baekhyun winces as Chanyeol’s hand grazes the scarred skin, his hand immediately shooting up to stop Chanyeol from going further.

            “No… Don’t. This is nothing compared to what happened to the both of you.” Baekhyun’s tears are staining the scars, and a long tear expertly maneuvers its way through the large scar that runs across Baekhyun’s right cheek, all the way down to his shoulder blade. Chanyeol could faintly remember when blood was staining his favorite plaid shirt.

            “Shh… It’s nothing. I’m fine, I’m alive, and you’re okay. That’s all that matters.” Chanyeol says with a weak smile, staring at Baekhyun like he was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Baekhyun wipes away his tears, his skin reddening as it clashed with his polo’s fabric. “You’re dressed up today.”

            “Yeah, I had another check up.” Baekhyun perks up, trying to get rid of the sadness in him. Chanyeol was already in this state—he knew depression would only get to him if continued. “They said I can remove the bandages on my legs.

            Chanyeol gives Baekhyun another smile, to which Baekhyun finds comfort in. “You’re going to be okay, Yeol. I promise.”

2015

INTRODUCTION – LISTEN TO THIS FIRST YA BIG LUMP (2010).mp3

            Hey, Chanyeol! If you’re listening to this, I’m probably in the land of the burger-eating humans. Not that we don’t eat burgers, it’s just that… Well, never mind. I made these recordings for you to listen to while I’m in America, which would probably be pretty weird for you since you know… you don’t swing that way. I’m sorry if—

            “You know, if you’re going to listen to the darn thing, listen to all of it damn it—“

            Chanyeol looks up to Kyungsoo, who immediately shuts up when he sees him glare. Kyungsoo sighs, mopping up the tiles from behind the counter. “You know, I’m only trying to help.”

            “Well, you’re not.” Chanyeol says as he pauses the recording and replays it from the start, never going pass the I’m sorry, since Chanyeol is far too afraid to hear the rest. He’s at Kyungsoo’s diner again, and is leaning against the counter with his army boots on.

            “That leg of yours finally doing something right?” Kyungsoo says as he peers from the counter, looking down at Chanyeol’s old injured leg. “Sure you’re up to enlistment when that can crack any time?”

            Chanyeol just shrugs, clutching unto his glass as Kyungsoo sighs. “You know, you don’t have to get all mysterious and depressed. It’s been five years, I’m sure by now you should get over it—“

            Chanyeol abruptly slams his fist against the counter, hopping off the high-chair to grab Kyungsoo by the collar. The smaller boy is lifted up to the air, his face directly in front of Chanyeol’s.

            “Shut the up, you . I’ve got more problems than you’ll ever have, and your pretty mouth better stop running when I’m tryin’ to have peace. You hear me?”

            Kyungsoo is frightened, and when he nods, Chanyeol lets go.

            He allows Kyungsoo to scamper back into the kitchen, tilting his head in shame.

            “God, Baekhyun… What am I doing…”

            Chanyeol leaves the payment on the table, obviously too ashamed to face Kyungsoo. He’ll probably never face Kyungsoo ever again.

            He grabs his hat—a cadet hat—and opens the door. He gets on his bike, driving back into the mist.

NIGHT OF THE SCHOOL DANCE – YEOL’S ROOM (2009).mp3

Remarks: not as y as the title makes it out to be

            Remember that time at the school dance? I asked you to go with me, but you refused. .

            Chanyeol is dressed up for the night, trying his best to stay on his feet as Baekhyun fixes his bowtie. “Baek, you know I look horrible in bowties.”

            “And that’s why you’re wearing one.” Baekhyun says with an accomplished smile as he finishes, backing out as he took a good look of the boy. “Horrible.”

            “Thaaanks.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes sarcastically, hoisting himself up on the bed. Baekhyun is left to stare at his leg, obviously still petrified from the accident. “You holding up okay?”

            “Baek, it’s been a year.” Chanyeol says with a sigh, reaching out for his dress socks. “I’m over it. Running wont get me anywhere, anyway.”

            “Yeah.” Baekhyun says lightly, trying his best to avoid anything awkward. “It got you to the finish line, though—“

            Baekhyun’s hand shoots up to his mouth, his eyes closing shut as he realized what he just said. “Oh, , wait, Chanyeol, I didn’t mean to…”

            “It’s fine, I understand.” Chanyeol says with a smile, lifting his good leg to put on his sock. “Always good with jokes, you are.”

            Baekhyun quickly notices what Chanyeol was trying to do, immediately kneeling down to help him with his socks. “I can do it. Just ask me okay? I’ll put on your shoes.” Baekhyun says as he fixes the laces on Chanyeol’s oxfords, trying his best not to look Chanyeol in the eye.

            Baekhyun moves unto Chanyeol’s other shoe, to which he hesitates. “It’s fine, it’s not toxic or anything.” Chanyeol jokes as he notices the smaller’s rejection.

            “N—No, I didn’t mean it that way.” Baekhyun hurriedly slips on the boy’s socks; his eyes tearing away from the scarred and bruised skin that covered Chanyeol’s bad leg.

            “Jess said it was getting better.” A lump forms in Baekhyun’s throat. He finishes tying the boy’s shoes, lifting himself up from his squat. He hides his frown with a smile when he’s met face to face with Chanyeol, breaking away the tension. “Better get going, Jessica’s probably waiting.”

            Chanyeol nods to Baekhyun’s direction, allowing Baekhyun to lift him up with his crutches. “See you at the dance, Baek. Jess and I’ll be there as soon as we can.”

CHANYEOL’S TRYOUT DAY (2007).mp3

Remarks: CHANYEOL <3 RUN

            Remember that time when you said you weren’t amazing? Well I always thought you were. Whenever you’d run the track, I’d always see wings on your back. You were flying, Yeol!

            Chanyeol is readying himself for tryouts, with Baekhyun being the only one in the stadium. The elder boy is wrapped up in thick clothing, despite the heat of summer. Chanyeol squints to get a better look at him, and notices that Baekhyun coughs every one in a while.

            “You can do this, Yeol! You’re the winner! You’ll get in for sure!”

            Chanyeol smiles, despite the fact that there is a bunch of other people trying out for the team. A few guys snicker as they see Baekhyun flash a CHANYEOL <3 RUN banner, to which Chanyeol panics.

            “Baekhyun, stop!” He says frantically, to which Baekhyun ignores.

            “You can do it, Yeol! I believe in you!”

            Chanyeol sighs and lets it go.

            “Since Baekhyun came all the way out here even with a cold, might as well give him a show.”

            And with the sound of the pistol, Chanyeol sprinted fast enough for Baekhyun’s eyes to glimmer with pride.

2017

BAD DREAMS – ORIGINAL COMPOSITION BY BYUN BAEKHYUN (2010).mp3

            Listen to this when you’re having bad dreams, it’s a song I wrote for you. It’s not much, but I bet it can calm you down in a mighty 3 minutes. I don’t know if you’re still listening to these recordings, but if you made it this far, then—

            “You’ve been listening to those recordings of his?” Tao asks as Chanyeol lugs his bag unto the green-coated foam. “You know the generals won’t be pleased to hear that their star cadet has been slipping out before dinner.”

            “Yeah.” Chanyeol replies, falling unto the lower bed beside Tao’s. “Where do you go anyway?”

            “Somewhere.” Chanyeol covers his eyes with his right arm, trying his best to drown out the conversation with the younger cadet. “Did you love him?”

            Chanyeol loses his cool, quickly sending a glare over to Tao. “Cadet, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll shut that trap of yours—“

            As Chanyeol tries to go further, the bell signaling for dinner rings, allowing all the cadets to pour out from the bed facilities and into the mess hall. Tao sighs as Chanyeol backs down, opening his bag to check if the music player was still hidden, tucked away in the small pocket at the lower area of his backpack.

            He zips it up and hangs it on the bed frame, quickly making his way with the other cadets.

            “No, seriously Where do you go?” It’s Sehun’s turn to annoy Chanyeol, with Tao safely trailing after them. Chanyeol has his hands deep within his pockets, and is slowly clenching them into fists as the two young boys follow after him.

            “It’s none of your business, alright?” Chanyeol mutters, lining up at the food station. Tao and Sehun are still trialing him, to which he sighs.

            “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. If then, would you leave me alone?”

            Sehun and Tao look at each other, and shake their heads. “You also have to tell us why you’re still a cadet. Shouldn’t you be promoted by now? You’re the best one out of all of us.”

            Chanyeol sighs, quickly lifting his tray unto the table. Tao and Sehun sit at either side of him, obviously way too curious. “You’ve been a cadet for two years… What gives?”

            Chanyeol stuffs his mouth with food, making the two boys impatient.

            “I go to the cemetery not too far from here. Got an old friend resting by there. Go there to take refuge, that’s all.”

            Tao and Sehun give Chanyeol a look of sympathy, to which Chanyeol ignores. “I’ve been a cadet for two years because getting promoted means doing . A cadet trains, eats and sleeps—I’ll be fine that way.”

            “That’s a weird way of thinking.” Tao frowns, stuffing his mouth with broccoli. “Don’t you want to get reassigned somewhere else? This town is getting crappier by the second—“

            “—Nah, I’m good here.” Chanyeol says as he finishes up, escaping even more questions.

            Before he disappears back into the bed facility, Sehun perks up with another question. “Who’s the guy on the music player?”

            Chanyeol stops, freezes in his place.

            “An old friend.”

FAREWELL AUDIO PART 23 (2010).mp3

Remarks: there should only be one part, but I ended up prolonging all the audios since I was too shy to ever record the most emotional one

            Chanyeol, I love you. I love you so much, ever since the day I saw those wings. I miss those times when I’d cheer you on in the stadium. I know your leg’s still bad, even if it’s been a year. You’re still amazing as you used to be—and your wings are bigger than ever.

            Chanyeol is running through the crowds, trying his best not to get swallowed by the airport flow. After Baekhyun’s confession to him last night, he couldn’t sleep at all. He replayed the single audio file that Baekhyun had sent him through email, and was far too immersed in getting over himself.

            “Damn it…” He says as he looks up to the light schedules, trying his best to pinpoint Baekhyun’s flight.

            “Seoul to California… There!” He immediately sprints to the terminal where Baekhyun’s probably sitting at; wincing in pain as his bad leg shatters with every step. He knows he shouldn’t be running, especially since it’s been a while since he has. But it’s for Baekhyun, and anything goes.

            When he finally makes it to the terminal, he says Baekhyun’s bob of golden brown hair resting in the sea of empty seats, head tilted. The rest of the crowd is already queuing at the counter, and its only minutes away before the plane takes off. He walks towards him and sits at the seat at his back, trying his best to make himself invisible.

            And then he speaks up.

            “Baek… I know that you might be… weirded out that the guy who rejected you is… confessing to you… and… uh… , uh, I don’t know.” Chanyeol says as he places his head in his hands, out of words. “I’m so stupid, I know. Its just that, when you sent that to me, I kind of felt defeated. Like… I wanted to hear you say it—as you. It was a mixture of emotions, and damn, I don’t know!”

            The silence is drowned out by the people slowly making their way into the dock, until Chanyeol notices that the plane is going to leave soon.

            Chanyeol perks up. “I know I can’t stop you from leaving—god knows why you’re leaving in the first place, but I want you to know…”

            A flight attendant approaches Baekhyun and Chanyeol, a smile on her face. “Sir, are the two of you docking?”

            Chanyeol stares at her for a second, puzzled. “Huh?”

            “You’re friend is asleep, might not make it in the plane. I suggest the two of you dock soon—“

            Chanyeol springs up to Baekhyun, confirming what the girl just said. He sees Baekhyun snoozing, realizing how heavy a sleep Baekhyun is.

            He sighs in defeat, slouching whenever he’s depressed. “No… He’s the only one getting on. Can you wake him up when I get out of here? Don’t want him to see me.” Chanyeol says with a forced smile, clenching his fists as he forces his words out.

            The flight attendant is worried now, but nods anyway. “I’ll make sure he gets on.”

            Chanyeol slowly walks away and give a small thanks as he exits the terminal.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME (2008).mp3

            Chanyeol… Are you okay? You’re probably not… It’s just… I’m sorry. It should have been me. I swear to God, it should have been me.

            “Hey, what’s up tiger?” Baekhyun says as he sits beside Chanyeol at the cafeteria. Chanyeol doesn’t answer him, only looking at Baekhyun with a blank stare. “Jess’ sittin there.”

            Baekhyun quickly shoots up, taking the space on the other side of Chanyeol. “Yeah, sorry, I forgot.” Baekhyun says with a sigh, picked at his eggs.

            The cafeteria is in a fuss, everyone taking their food to their tables. Everyone had the chance to steal glances at the pair, obviously gossiping about something that can’t reach their hearing.

            They’re the only ones at the table, as everyone seemed to be avoiding them.

            Baekhyun keeps stealing glances at Chanyeol, who is slowly picking away at his beef. “You skipped class today again.”

            Baekhyun is shocked, trying his best to formulate words as its been a while since Chanyeol has ever started a conversation. “Y—Yeah, I was, uh, somewhere.”

            “You should probably stop skipping class. Professor Chul isn’t going to be pleased with the number of absences you’ve been accumulating.”

            Baekhyun is trying to speak up, choking on a few syllables. “Y—yeah, he already set me aside last week. Told him I was up to some stuff, let me off with a warning.”

            Eventually the conversation dies down, and the distance in between the two of them grows. “You’ve been absent 12 times, how’d he let you off—“

            The bell signaling lunch to be over rings, and Baekhyun quickly gets up. “We might be late, biology is next.” Baekhyun chokes out.

            “I’m going to wait for Jessica. Probably in the bathroom with Tae. You go on ahead.”

            Baekhyun is forced to take strides back out of the canteen, defeated.

JESSICA (2007).mp3

Remarks: she’s really pretty

            Today, you introduced me to the love of your life. You were so cliché, and I hated it. I hate that I wasn’t the one.

            “Baek, this is my girl, Jess.” Chanyeol said as he held the slender girl by the waist, he gladly clung to his side. Her eyes examined the smaller boy across them like a feline, getting out as much information as possible.

            “Hey.” Baekhyun says, obviously too shocked to absorb it all. “I—I’m Baekhyun.”

            “Nice to meet you, Baekhyun.” Jessica says as she reaches out her slim fingers, which grasps Baekhyun’s even tinier hands.

            They were all hauled up at the track, in the air-conditioned room for the athletes. Chanyeol had another track to run two days from now, and was all up training for the past few weeks. Been a while since Baekhyun even saw him, and was welled up excited to bring him his favorite food.

            Chanyeol stares at the couple, both dressed in sports attire and sweaty beyond belief. “Sorry you saw me like this, probably a bad impression on my boyfriend’s best friend.”

            The word best friend stung more than it should, and Baekhyun had to hold himself up from saying I’m not his best friend. “No—No, it’s fine. You both look fine. I’m used to it since Chanyeol’s always sweaty.”

            Jessica laughs, tying her hair into a tighter knot. “How’d you guys meet?”

            “Well, both of us are training for the race not far from now. Met since I got into the team.” Chanyeol says as he takes a seat beside Jessica, fastening his shoes. “We’re the two players that coach picked to that American League thing next year. Real excited, and we ended up getting along.”

            Baekhyun is trying to absorb everything, but he’s having a hard time as the two seemed like the perfect match. Chanyeol was handsome, tall, and far capable than any man he’s ever met. And Jessica… well, Jessica looked like a star. Slim, beautiful, and a runner like Chanyeol. They matched perfectly.

            “That’s nice.” Baekhyun manages to choke out, tightening his grip on the paper bag he brought.

            “Oh wait, I prepared lunch for us.” Jessica said as she clasped her hands together. “Oh… I didn’t know you were coming along, so I only prepared for two.” She said genuinely, a bit embarrassed.

            “No, it’s fine.” Baekhyun says with a forced laugh, trying to hide away the lumpy bag behind his back. “I can head to Soo’s diner for lunch. You two have a great meal.”

            Baekhyun quickly makes his way out of the room, walking to a sprint as he was out of clear vision.

            He knew Chanyeol wouldn’t swing that way, he never will.

BIG DAY!!!! (2008).mp3

            It’s today, isn’t it… Today’s the day you get on the plane and make me proud. I know you aren’t running for me, but for Jessica, but I swear that I’ll be the proudest when I see you pass that finish line. You’re the only star I’ll ever see.

            “Hurry up!” Baekhyun shouts as he throws Chanyeol his clothes, still lazing in bed. “You’ll be late for your flight if you don’t get dressed now.”

            Chanyeol lazily opens his eye as he sees Baekhyun rummaging through his closet. “God damn, you haven’t packed?! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

            Chanyeol lifts himself out of the bed, rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes. “Yeah… I forgot to. Went drinking out with Jess and a few friends last night—massive headache.”

            Baekhyun sighs as he chucks all of Chanyeol’s stuff unto the bed, trying his best to make out which clothes Chanyeol would bring for the month stay. “You’re really bad at managing you’re time, huh?”

            Only when Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol does he realize that the boy is . He blushes tomato red as he turns around, holding tightly to Chanyeol’s blue polo. “G—Go, get dressed.”

            Chanyeol raises an eyebrow, but ruffles his hair anyway.  “Alright, Mr. Military. I’m going.” Chanyeol hops off his bed and into his closet, to which Baekhyun finds relief in. He sighs as Chanyeol disappears into the bathroom, falling under the weight of his legs.

            “You’ve seen Chanyeol a hundred times—why now?” Baekhyun says as he sighs, folding the taller’s clothes in a neat way. He packs them all into his suitcase, hoisting it up by the door.

            By the time he’s finished, Chanyeol walks out of the bathroom, dripping wet. The steam is enough to make Baekhyun’s head hazy, but Chanyeol doesn’t notice. He makes his way to the neatly laid out clothes on the bed, putting them on as Baekhyun tries his best not to peak.

            “You done yet?” Baekhyun says impatiently, tapping his foot against Chanyeol’s floor.         

            “Yeah, yeah, I am.” Chanyeol says with a sleepy sigh, throwing on his jacket for the last piece. Baekhyun sighs and heads towards the door, taking Chanyeol’s suitcase along with him. “I’ll head on down. Be sure to be down in a few minutes. Jess is in the car, waiting.”

            Chanyeol nods in Baekhyun’s direction, still scratching his eyes. When Baekhyun disappears, Chanyeol reminds himself to take everything else necessary. He trusts Baekhyun enough with his stuff to know that Baekhyun brought everything he needs, and only grabs his wallet, watch and phone.

            Chanyeol jogs downstairs and out the door, giving a quick goodbye kiss to his mother. “See you, Mom.”

            His mom nods, to which he quickly gets in the driver’s seat. “You sure you’ll drive?”

            As Chanyeol sets the car to drive, he quickly shrugs. “I already promised I’ll do it. Jess, you okay back there?”

            Jessice nods from the backseat, her legs crossed as Chanyeol gives her a quick peck on the cheek. Baekhyun sits shotgun, ignoring the scene. “We have to go.”

            “Alright, don’t rush. We’re already in the car. Let’s go.”

YOU’RE LOSING IT (2009).mp3

Remarks: no offense, though

            Yeol, this has to stop. I swear to God, if it was me instead, it would have been better. Sorry things turned out this way. Sorry. I’m so—so—sorry.

            Chayeol is sitting in the school’s park bench, slouching as he tries to wriggle his leg. He winces as the bones shatter against his skin, and he gives up trying to move it. He feels Baekhyun approach, but chooses to ignore it.

            “Hey, big guy.” Baekhyun says as he takes the space beside Chanyeol, giving the taller a weak smile. “You’ve been out here for the entire lunch period, you should get something to eat.”

            Chanyeol doesn’t reply, twiddling a dandelion in his fingers. His fingers gingerly brushes through the hairs, falling off as he pushes them to the wind. Baekhyun sees as small smile form on Chanyeol’s face, which quickly disappears before he could pick up on it.

            “You should eat, don’t starve yourself. You’ve already lost a ton of weight, this is stupid, Yeol.”

            Chanyeol sighs as the last hair flies away, letting go of the stem to let it fall on the pavement. “I’m not hungry, Baek.”

            “Yes you are, you just keep telling yourself that you aren’t.”

            “Maybe Jess is. Go ask her, she’s somewhere in the school.”

            Baekhyun sighs as he sits beside Chanyeol, inching closer as he tries to weigh down the atmosphere. “Jess is somewhere else, alright? She ain’t here.”

            “Yeah… Didn’t see her today. Probably skipped school again.”

            Baekhyun doesn’t push on further. “You have to eat.”

            When Chanyeol doesn’t reply, Baekhyun slaps him clean across the face. “God damn it, Yeol!”

            Chanyeol is clutching unto the swollen cheek, staring up at Baekhyun in fear. His eyes are wide open, seeing Baekhyun enraged. “Stop living in the pass, ! You’re losing it! You’re so bad, you haven’t eaten in days! This has to stop!”

            Chanyeol looks down, gritting his teeth as Baekhyun slouches in frustration. “I just miss the old Yeol.” He says as he turns around.

            “Guess it just shows that it ain’t just that leg that changed about you.”

SHE’S GONE (2009).mp3

            She’s gone, Yeol. She ain’t coming back. Stop living in the past, it’s going to eat you up.

            Chanyeol is driving through the streets, with Baekhyun in the shotgun and Jessica in the back. His eyes are drooping, probably due to drinking too late last night. “You okay?”

            Baekhyun is peering over to Chanyeol’s seat, who is shaking his head to wake himself up. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit drowsy.”

            “Let me drive.” Baekhyun says in worry, trying to shake Chanyeol out of it. Chanyeol shakes his head again, reaching out to the sunglasses compartment overhead. He takes out his shades and puts them on, trying to block out the sunlight. “You don’t know how to drive, Baek. You’ll get us all killed.”

            Baekhyun sighs, returning to his seat. He peers over to Jessica, who is hiding a hangover behind her thick-framed sunglasses. Both of them are horribly hung over, and unfortunately, the only two people who knows how to drive. Baekhyun sighs in defeat, twiddling with his seatbelt in boredom.

            “You okay, Jess? Head still throbbing?” Chanyeol asks in concern, looking up at the girl through the rear-view mirror.

            “I’m alright, babe. Head’s still shaking, and down there’s still pretty aching—“

            The silence swallows them all, and Baekhyun has to double take to understand what she meant. “Oh, god. Too much information.”

            Baekhyun tries to laugh it off, but a whole part of him shatters as he tried to gather his thoughts. They did it, obviously.

            Chanyeol massages his temples, obviously not phased. “Don’t go around saying that, Jess.”

            Jessica chuckles, giving a quick peck to the guy in front of him. “You know you liked it. Your moans were delicious—“

            “—Stop, p—please.” Baekhyun chokes out, making the other two silent. Baekhyun notices the pain in his voice, and quickly tries to shake it off. “It’s gross, you know! Keep your life to yourself. I don’t want to know how delicious Chanyeol’s whatevers are, so please.”

            Jessica laughs it off, ruffling Baekhyun’s hair. “Sorry there, Baek.” She says, leaning back into her seat.

            The silence settles in once again, and Baekhyun lets his mind wander towards the sky. The airport seems so close, and its only half an hour until Chanyeol takes off. But he lets himself drown in his thoughts, making images out of the clouds.

            The minutes pass, and Baekhyun realizes the car slowly starts accelerating. “Yeol, there’s a speed limit. You’re going over 90—“

            Baekhyun’s eyes widen as he sees that Chanyeol has fallen asleep, his head dangling from his body. His feet remain glued to the gas, to which he starts to panic.

            “Yeol—damn it—Yeol, wake up!”

            And as the acceleration reaches over 150, all Baekhyun hears is the sound of the highway barriers braking apart, allowing the car to crash over 30 feet.

2015

THE FUNERAL (2008).mp3

            Oh God, I knew it should have been me. I was awake that time, both of you were asleep. I could have saved her, I tried to wake you up. I can’t believe I only made it with a few scratches and a scar against my cheek. You got worse. She got the worst. I’m so sorry. It should have been me.

            It should have been me.

            Chanyeol lays down a fresh bouquet on the pavement, letting himself sit down on the grass across the tombstone.

            Chanyeol lights a cigarette, allowing the smoke to flow against the wind. He sits alone in the cemetery, in front of the grave at the nearest to the entrance. He looks up to the willow tree that stands at the far end outside the cemetery, remembering the memories he spent there.

            “Baekhyun and I used to sleep there.” He says with a smile, looking back to grave.

            “Hey, Jess.” He says as he removes the cigarette from his lips, exhaling the smoke. He looks at the grave in remorse, trying no to tear up. “Sorry I wasn’t around yesterday. Damn Commander Siwon made me run errands around the office. Said I shouldn’t be a cadet anymore, being the star out of all of them.” He chuckles, something he hasn’t done in a while.

            “I wonder what would it be like if you were here with me. If you managed to make it out alive that time.” He says as he places the cigarette back in, inhaling as much as he could.

            “You’d probably be shouting at me now. Smoking? What the hell, Yeol!” He says as he tries to imitate the girl’s voice, but is far too broken to try. “You would have shouted my eardrums off if you found out.”

            Chanyeol tries to get rid of the insects crawling on her grave with his hat, sweeping each ant and spider out of the way. “You hate spiders, probably would have cried if this thing was actually walking on ya’.”

            He coughs a bit, releasing some of the smoke that had got trapped in his lungs. “We would have broken up anyway. Kyuhyun was at your funeral. I’ve seen you look at him—knew I lost’ya already.”

            Chanyeol feels tears stream his face, staining his cheeks once again. “I know I go here everyday, and it feels stupid. I know I ain’t in love with you anymore, for a long time, but I need someone. I need a friend.”

            He’s sobbing now, clutching his face with his hands. “I need Baekhyun.”

THE WILLOW TREE (2010).mp3

            Remember the willow tree? The willow tree far too close to the cemetery during the time we were self-proclaimed daredevils. We were both nine at that time, I was a few months older than you. You dared me to go to the big willow tree near the cemetery, and I was crying because that place was scary as . We met at the hospital, when you got a small injury from your leg. You were already running that time, and that inspired me to do more than I’ve been doing. Also, you were so mean; you forced me out of my hospital room, and into the outside. But I loved every second of it. That willow tree became the reason why we are who we are. We’re daredevils, Yeol. You run, I run with you. But by the time that you’ve gone too far, and I’m far too weak and behind, then you have to leave me. That time with Jessica, it should have been me. I wasn’t as important as her to you, but I know for sure that if I’ve gone, you would lose nothing. I swear to God, you would lose nothing. It would be better if it were me, anyway.

I’M PROUD OF YOU (2010).mp3

            I’m proud of what you’ve become, Yeol. You held up so well after everything, and I think you deserve better. I left without telling you the reason, the reason as to why I left. I’m going to tell you now, at least, if you made it this far into this darn recording. I left you with this music player, with a recording of everything that has happened in the past four years. I’ve known you for ten, but I only realized how much I loved you at four. Ever since then, I started to count the days. I already knew I was going to leave for America, so I decided to start making this survival kit. Pretty sure you’d survive without me, though. Each recording was recorded after the incident happened, each labeled with the year they happened. It’s stupid, I know. But this went on for four years, all boiling down to the day I left. So, I’m going to tell you why I left, here it goes—

            The audio stops, and Chanyeol’s eyes dart open towards the music player. The audio ends, but before he could try to find the next one, he’s halted.   

“Oh, , sorry—“ Chanyeol immediately flares as a splash of water greets him on the bed. He decided to finish listening to the audios, as each audio was just a few seconds of Baekhyun babbling and whatnot. He winces as the quickly looks up to the perpetrator.

            “Sorry about that, cadet.” Chanyeol growls as he sees his new commander, Kris, fully dressed in his snooty military suit. He holds a bucket of emptied water, now drenching Chanyeol and his bed. “Since your two years of residency, I’m pretty sure you should be aware that you aren’t allowed to keep leisure items in the vicinity.”

            Chanyeol looks down to the music player, eyes widening as he realizes the screen turned dark. He puts the player near his face, trying to shake out as much of the water as he can. When he fails to turn it on, he hisses.

            “Damn it!” He curses, trying his best to turn it out. “Dam you!” He shouts, lunging towards Kris. He aims for his throat, too enraged to care about the formation of cadets around them.

            “You son of a ! You have no right to do this, damn you!” He says as he throws punches at the slicked back commander, who is wriggling under his tight grasp. “Army dogs my , you guys are a bunch of freaks!”

            Kris allows Chanyeol to throw punches at him, as if he’s doing this on purpose.

            The cadets are all shouting at him to finish him! The entire bed facility is in a mess.

            And when someone clears his or , everyone disperses.

            “Mr. Park, in my office, now.” Commander Siwon says as he stares down at the younger, obviously not pleased at what he was seeing. Chanyeol hisses, but lets go off the beaten up commander, trialing behind the taller man.

            The cadets avoid Chanyeol’s gaze as he walks towards the main office, slouching and bruised.

            The drenched music player sits on his damp bed, left short-circuit as he exits through the doors.

2020

            Chanyeol is sitting alone in his old room, dusty over the past years. The house has been empty for a while now, and he’s at lost. He’s holding unto the broken music player, his bad leg stretched out against the wooden panels. He’s been crying, trying to wring the tears out of him before anyone realizes.

            “Hey, Yeol.” Kyungsoo is peering from behind the wooden door, and is too afraid to enter. Its been a good 5 years since they’ve last spoken, since the time Chanyeol threatened Kyungsoo. Ever since then, Chanyeol stopped coming to the diner.

            “Hey.” Chanyeol says as he wipes away his tears, chucking the music player back into his back pocket. “Been a while, come on in.”

            Kyungsoo hesitates to enter, but slowly does anyway. “Saw the old house’s door crack open, new you were back in town.” Kyungsoo stares at Chanyeol’s leg, which he knew by now was completely disabled. “You okay?”

            Chanyeol nods as he leans against the chair, his short hair brushing through an open window’s wind. “Got discharged today.”

            “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Kyungsso says as he sits on the bed beside Chanyeol’s chair, his legs swinging from the floor. “But, shouldn’t you be happy? You hated it there, right?”

            Chanyeol shakes his head. “Nah, it was pretty good at some point. Made it into the warfront against the damn north and blew my leg off.” Chanyeol said as he reached out for his cane. He taps the cane against his leg. “See? Metal.”

            Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. “Oh, .”

            “Yeah.” Chanyeol laughs. “Got caught in one of the bombs, the damn thing. It was broken anyway, couldn’t move it so the bomb blew up right in my face.”

            Kyungsoo stays silent.

            “I’m sorry.” Chanyeol says out loud, not daring to look at Kyungsoo. “Sorry for shouting at you five years ago.”

            “It’s fine, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo says in reconciliation. “Kinda disappointed me when you stopped coming to the diner. I had something to tell you at that time—“

            Kyungsoo quickly shuts his mouth, probably understanding that now was not the time. “Never mind. You headin’ anywhere? How about dinner at the diner? Got it fixed up, no more roaches.”

            Chanyeol tries to push on what Kyungsoo was trying to say, but ignores it. “Alright. Only if you’re paying.”

            Kyungsoo laughs, hopping off of the bed. “You still owe me from your tab.”

            They make their way back into the diner, and Kyungsoo turns on the lights. He wraps an apron around his waist, and waits for Chanyeol to limp unto his seat. He notices the mechanical movements from Chanyeol, but doesn’t question it.

            “You, uh, listen to all the recordings yet?” Kyungsoo says as he notices the lump in Chanyeol’s pocket. “Know everything by now?”

            Chanyeol shakes his head. “I was down to the last audio until the bull commander ruined the thing. Didn’t get to hear the last thing he wanted to say.”

            Kyungsoo ducks his head down. “Oh, darn.”

            “Why, what’s up? Got any news on the bastard?” Chanyeol says with a chuckle, over the fact that Baekhyun hasn’t contacted him in a long while.

            “Y—Yeah. He’s fine.” Kyungsoo says with lump in his throat, but Chanyeol doesn’t notice it.

            “Yeah, I bet the little son of a is. Waltzing into the States like that. I bet that pretty little head of his got a bodacious woman in a matter of seconds.” Chanyeol stops. “Still don’t know why he had to go in the first place.”

            Kyungsoo stops wiping the table, setting Chanyeol’s food on the counter. “Y—yeah.”

            Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. “Is there somethin’ you ain’t tellin’ me? Did the bastard contact you?”

            Kyungsoo shakes his head. “He hasn’t for a long time.”

            Chanyeol ducks down in defeat, throwing in the last of the bacon and eggs. “I always loved this from your diner. Gotten pretty rusty over the years, don’tcha think?” Chanyeol says jokingly.

            “Yeah, Baek used to say it was your favorite. He’d always get it for ya before heading into the track.”

            Chanyeol smiles at the memory, remembering the audio of when he introduced Baekhyun to Jessica. “Bastards been in love with me for years. thinks he can just leave here and never come back.”

            Chanyeol settles in a moment of silence. “I’ll get going. I’ve been planning to visit Jess since I got back, but never got the chance to. See you around, Kyung.”

            Kyungsoo only nods, letting Chanyeol go.

            “He’ll find out eventually, I just don’t want to be the one to break it to him.” Kyungsoo says to himself as Chanyeol disappears into the mist.

            Chanyeol arrives at the cemetery minutes later, still on the same motorcycle. He pulls up on a clearing and walks to the grave near the entrance, taking a seat on the same withered patch of grass. “Hey Jess.”

            He falters, hesitating to speak up. He has nothing to say anymore, and wonders why he still goes here. “I guess I just really need someone to talk to. You’re the only one who ever listened to me before—“

            But Chanyeol realizes she wasn’t. “There was Baekhyun, of course. But I was too scared. Too scared to realize that maybe… I was falling in love with him too. The night of the accident, remember when you said one last time before we hit big time? We did it that night, and I don’t know, it didn’t feel good. I know you didn’t feel good either. Frankly, we were just prolonging everything even more.”

            A stream of tears starts dripping against Chanyeol’s cheek, but he quickly wipes it away. “You were my everything, Jess. The most amazing thing that I thought I could never have. In the end, I really could have never gotten you anyway. You belonged to someone else to begin with, and I was stupid to think that you were only mine.”

            He sighs, and holds unto his feet, trying to weigh himself down.

            “I love you, Jess. But you’re in a better place now.”

            Chanyeol stands up, turning around quickly before he ends up staying any longer.

            Chanyeol makes his way to his motorcycle, ready to put on his helmet until he catches another glimpse of the willow tree. He vowed to never go there ever again, ever since he felt the bitterness of Baekhyun leaving him, but now doesn’t seem to be the time to hate the guy.

            He walks up the hill no too far from the cemetery and sits on the same spot he used to take up, with Baekhyun leaning on his side.

            He closes his eyes and revisits those moments, but feels a lump from underneath him.

            He get curious, and gets off his to dig through whatever had formed the lump. He digs until he’s met with a brown box, worn out from the mud. It looks exactly like the box Baekhyun handed to him with the music player, and quickly opens it.

            He’s met face-to-face with another music player, smaller than the one he had before. It’s silver and rusting, but he takes it in his grasp and plugs in the earphones. There’s a single audio file in the entire library, and he reads the title with a smile.

            Then he presses play.

I LOVE YOU, PARK CHANYEOL.mp3

            Hey Yeol, you probably visited the willow tree if you’re hearing this. The last audio on the music player is cut on purpose. Didn’t want you to skip ahead and listen to the last one if you were thinking about that. I knew how impatient you get sometimes. Well, I guess this is it then. I’m going to tell you why I left. The first time we met was at the hospital, correct? You never asked me why I was in there, even after I asked you. You probably noticed that I didn’t want to tell you, either. We met again after a year, I had purposely entered the same elementary as you. You were my idol, you see. I begged my mom, Mom, I want to go to school, and then she let me. The doctors said I couldn’t, but she let me.

            And then I studied. As you got stronger, I got weaker. When I started falling for you, I started counting the days. 2007 marks the year I started to fall in love, also the time the doctor said I was terminally ill, and wouldn’t make it past 2010. He gave me four years, Yeol. They all give me four years to fall in love with you, to watch you grow, to support you—they told me to cherish every moment with you because I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be with you.

            When that car accident happened, I expected myself to die. Because even if I had 2 more years to love you, I thought God said that Chanyeol has found the one who’s going to take care of him. I thought Jessica could and would replace me, so it was time for me to go. But, surprise, surprise, I survived. The doctors said if I got hurt more than I already was, I would have died. But I didn’t.

            That’s why I continued to love you. I continued to love you even if you waited for Jessica to sit beside you at lunch. I continued to love you even if you waited for Jessica after dismissal since she was taking too long in the bathroom. I love continued to love you even after everyone thought you were crazy.

            If I were to judge, I’m the crazy one here. Because right now, I’m on my way to the States, off for this risky operation that could kill me, or make me better. I’m going all for you, Chanyeol. I’m going to come back, and make myself better. It’ll take a while, I promise I’ll be there for you. Just stay strong until then, okay?

            You’re the bravest man that I know. If this operation goes to shambles, just remember that

            —I’ll continue to love you to the grave.

            Chanyeol doesn’t realize he’s crying, but he wipes away the tears. He gets up, his legs shaking under his discovery. All this time, Baek’s been holding up for me. And I was far too immersed in myself to realize.

            He wipes away his tears until he spots something within his peripheral. It’s not too far from the tree, but his eyes widens as he tries his best to approach it.

            And with the sight he sees, he bursts into tears. 

[a/n] This is an open ended story, so it's up to you to make up what Chanyeol cried about! Leave it in the comments bellow on what you thought he saw hehe thanks for reading guys! Any comments and suggestions on the next angsty thing I write will be appreciated :) I'll try my best to update my other stories but for now I felt angsty so here ya go hehe