I clutch the not-that-old-but-feels-like-years-ago photo to my chest, briefly, as though hoping the memories would somehow seep into my very being and become as tangible as they once were. But, of course, they’re still just memories, and while vibrant in my mind, they still invoke such a strong sense of nostalgia that my heart can’t help but clench a little.

     My thumb gently brushes over the frame. It’s my favorite picture of us. God, I remember how much Tao-yah whined about his hair here…true, he’s looked better. Everyone else look fine, though. I chuckle, remembering the day he sulked and sulked for hours on end. It was dyed differently the next morning and he had brightened up immediately. What a baby. A small, sad smile makes it way to my face. “Wolf” seemed so long ago…

            I run my fingers through my newly dyed brown hair, actually missing the blonde. It suited me, if I do say so myself. But, that had only been a few months ago, and, so much had happened in between. So much that it felt like a mind-numbing—no, a heart-numbing blur. But, I suppose I’d rather that everything felt numb than breaking from feeling at all.

            My finger almost cautiously traces the outline of the figure at the top, my last memory of that person being a smile. Although, initially, in that moment, I had thought it was his regular old smile, until I looked at him closer. I had startled my co-leader a little at the time with my scrutiny, but there was definitely something different. Now, I know to the full extent what was different about his smile then. The corners of his mouth had trembled, as though they were trying to suppress the sob that was fighting its way through. His mouth was slightly twisted, as though it knew it had to smile, but couldn’t help but shrivel slightly. His mouth smiled, but his eyes didn’t. They were inexplicably sad. I let out a tired sigh.

How many times had he actually smiled like that and I didn’t even notice?

With a mad sort of desperation, my eyes fervently roam over his face in the picture again, seeking his eyes in particular. My heart trembled in relief. At least he looked genuinely happy here. We all were.

            I then let my eyes slowly travel down to another member at the front of the picture, right next to Kyungsoo. If the first member leaving wasn’t enough of a blow, this was definitely a stab to the heart. And, yet, after months and months of mulling things over, can I really, truly blame them? Still with the picture frame in my hands, I let my eyes sweep across every other framed picture that lines the shelves.

            Not a single picture has less than 12 members in it. It was our way of remembrance, of holding onto something that feels like it’s quickly slipping away. But, let me tell you, we’ve all certainly got strong grips.

            Countless times, out of stress, rage, and pure anguish I had wanted to take every single photo and smash them to the ground, hear the satisfying sound of glass breaking to smithereens on the wooden floor of our dorm. I had wanted it so badly. It had all felt like lies anyway. And, yet, something stopped me every single time.

            Was I too cowardly? The same thoughts echo in my head once again. I give my head a slight shake. No. It’s because I can’t bear it. What precious things I had—still have—, I just can’t seem to let go of them.

            I think this realization that I had been reflecting on over the past few months was why I had come up here, back to the dorm the moment we flew back from filming my comeback teaser in France. Not even bothering to let jetlag get to me, I had found myself here, in front of all the pictures, thinking.

            My teaser had me sitting down, in the end, in a large basin, letting the water, my own supposed superpower, consume me. The director had said that my expression had been the perfect tired, accepting look that they were aiming here. Honestly, it wasn’t hard; I think that’s been my expression for far too long now. Although none of us were completely told the meaning behind our individual teasers, I had pretty much figured mine out, or, at least, devised my own interpretation of it.

            While everyone else had been running in their own teasers, I let my own ability take me under, let it get me, unlike the other members. Positively, it seemed that I was willingly facing all those waves of adversity that came our way; because I’m the leader. Now…for the negative. It looked like…like I was being defeated; that I had surrendered. Leader? Please. I let my teammates down.

        My temple throbs, causing me to clench my free fist. No, but Kim Joonmyun only focuses on the positives…EXO’s guardian only focuses on the positives. It’s what the members would want anyway. I fervently stare at the picture from our Wolf promotions again. The members don’t want nor can they afford a leader that doesn’t believe in himself. You were given the name “Suho” for a reason.

        Moments later, a soft knock behind me pulls me out of my reverie.

“Hyung?” Yixing calls out, a small crease between his eyebrows. “Tao’s just come back from filming his teaser in Barcelona. Apparently, his legs were acting up pretty badly again.” He pauses, eyes briefly flickering down to the photo still grasped in my hands. “I’ve requested he go to the hospital. Do you wanna come with?”

            A small, cold swirl of unbidden sadness and anxiety creeps its way into my chest. The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, more ominous, actually. It was quite akin to the same feeling that spread throughout me at two different points in time, months ago. I quickly pray that it’s not the same feeling.

         I gently set my brothers back on the shelf, giving the photo a last onceover. Twelve shining faces smile back up at me, and in that moment, I feel a rush of strength.

          Turning around, I say, eyes crinkling into a half-smile, “Yeah, let’s go together, Lay-ah.”